I want to feel free and strong, not held back by fear.

I imagine it before me. Huge wings beating, hot breath, in my way. I will stare it right in the eyes. I will know it for what it is. I will learn and remember that I am stronger than it. I will know that being scared is not bad or weak, but constantly escaping weakens me.

I used to imagine myself staring my fear down and feeling so vulnerable without alcohol, like I was left out in the open bare, without any weapons or shield. Any arrow could pierce me in an instant. Now I believe that my sobriety is the most important defense of all. It gives me strength beyond what a couple of glasses of wine each night would. Because that was just an illusion of strength. That was like putting on an invisibility cloak. It was just hiding, closing my eyes, and hoping the dragon would go away.

Now I will stare it down. I will look it right in the eyes. I will say, “I see you. I’m still here.” And I will eventually invite it to sit with me. I will someday realize it is not the enemy. It may come and go. It does not need to be defeated, just acknowledged. But while I’m learning all of this, I will not avert my eyes. I will come out of hiding. I will see things for what they truly are.

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From Staring it Right in the Eyes

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