If you are anything like me you’ve rarely had sober sex. I am 36, I have been drinking since I was 13, and I am addicted to alcohol. I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve had sex without being under the influence. So it comes as no surprise to me now that I’m sober, that sex without the booze crutch, can be seriously nerve-wracking (even if its with the same partner you’ve had for the last 7 years!)
Alcohol lowers our inhibitions which means that any issues around body confidence, insecurity, genuine intimacy etc… go out the window. When you take alcohol out of the equation you may find yourself feeling extremely shy, uncomfortable and exposed.
So! What do you do?
Well as a person who has experienced the switch between overly confident, drunk porn star to shy, fumbling, sober sex virgin, let me give you some pointers.
First, talk to your partner!
Explain what it feels like to be sober. Everything is heightened. All sensory experiences can seem intense. Part of being sober is finally allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a scary world. Explain that to you, everything feels a bit raw and new. Ask for some loving patience to work through this. You may find that it is more comfortable if you are allowed to be in control. If so ask for your partner’s indulgence to let you run the show.
Second, take things slowly.
And by slowly I mean both mentally and physically. Besides all the mental stuff that’s going around in your head, there can be physical barriers to having enjoyable sober sex.
Habitual alcohol use can cause vaginal dryness in women which can result in painful sex. Pain that you might not have noticed when you were drunk. It can also cause recurring UTI’s which makes everything down there feel a bit uncomfortable. For men it can lead to erection problems, both getting and maintaining one. Alcohol abuse often leads to erectile dysfunction disorder. So, It will take your body time to recover from the effects of chronic alcohol use. The key here is a lot of foreplay. Penetrative sex is not the be all and end all and it doesn’t even have to be the main goal. Experiment with exploring each others newly sensitive bodies in creative ways, and stop when you encounter anything that feels physically unconformable. Forcing things will only cause more stress which leads to more physical symptoms.
Thirdly, have fun!
Sobriety has given you the opportunity to rediscover sex in a completely conscious way. That my friend is a gift!
Rediscover what you like. Rediscover your body and your partner’s body. Experiment with toys, dress up, switch up where you engage in sex. Whatever you want. Use your newly vibrant imagination. Remember, sex is adult play. So let yourself go and play!
And lastly, relax!
Here’ s the exciting part.
Don’t be afraid of sober sex. If you can lean into the vulnerability of this experience and embrace your sexuality, the new sober you should be in for some seriously intense orgasms. Alcohol has a numbing affect on both the brain and the body. Remove the alcohol and you will experience heightened sensations, increased blood flow to the genital area, increased lubrication for women and erections for men, and increased levels of sexual desire.
Work through these issues and you will most likely find that alcohol- free, you are seriously on your way to pleasure town!
Enjoy.
Consider sex as one of your new sober treats.
You deserve it!
This post was contributed by Sam Shields
An active member of the BOOM Community Rethink the Drink
BOOM Rethink the Drink and the Boozemusings Community Blog
We are a Private, Anonymous, Online Forum, open to anyone hoping to stop drinking or take a break from the booze. An international group of men and women tucked away from the busy commercial noise of social media but there for you at the touch of a finger when you need us most. In a world where you’ll be questioned for not drinking with the crowd, we’ll encourage you to find your own path. Sign up and sign in via our Web Site here or download the free Mighty Networks app and find us at BOOM Community Rethink the Drink.
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Did someone say Cupcakes???
Boozemusings is a lifestyle blog and the BOOM Community is a peer support group. We are NOT trained addiction counselors but simply a community of people who have overcome or are overcoming alcohol issues. We do not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, nor does anything on this website create a physician/patient relationship. If you require medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, please consult your physician.
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