Well two of my clients haven’t showed up today, so I am interpreting this as The Universe’s way of saying to me: “Pop your feet up love, and take some time to relax”. I’ve done some stretching, and some nice deep breathing, and now I think some reflecting is in order.
It’s a fascinating thing this Alcohol Free journey. Taking alcohol out of my life has given me back so much clarity and quality of life. I wouldn’t even think of swapping these treasures for alcohol at this stage. It’s now been 65 days since I have had anything alcoholic to drink, and I am again feeling the inner calm which had escaped me for a little while due to a busy time at work, and some self-diagnosed hormonal imbalance.I think that Wild Yam cream is gold too!
I have become a little withdrawn I think, and quite introspective. This is less threatening since I stopped drinking, as I no longer feel like I am doing anything “wrong”. So there’s no need for me to criticize myself internally any more. When I was drinking, I used to beat myself up if I needed a nanna nap, for example, because I thought it was the alcohol that made me tired. Now I know it cannot be that, I am more forgiving of myself, and I sleep whenever I need to. I now realize my tiredness is probably due to lots of exercise and a very draining job. And I need the exercise to help me cope with the job. Anyway, I am kinder to myself and that feels good.
Also, I don’t feel like I have to perform so much at home, to convince myself that everything is getting done, despite my habit. When I was drinking, I felt bad about how much stuff I let go because I was drinking or hungover, so I would either be berating myself about that, or pushing myself really hard to try and stay on top of things. Like a poor little mouse on a treadmill, running but not getting anywhere..
I notice I am keeping very much to my home and my family and a small and select number of friends, because that just feels like it’s enough. As though more than that might be too much. I am barely interested in socialising or social media. And I’m not taking quite as many photos as usual. I don’t know if that’s because I feel I don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore? That I don’t need external approval so much, and I’m not worried about what other people think. It’s like I am just letting myself be. I can go out into the world if I need to, and it’s fine. But I do prefer to be at home.
I have moments of immense joy and contentment, coming from the most simple things.
For example, my son got back with his girlfriend, and they went to his best friend’s 18th the other night. His girlfriend got really drunk, and was vomiting everywhere. It almost ruined his night as he had to look after her at the party, and thought he would have to bring her home to shower her and put her to bed. Unfortunately she does this at every party they go to and is a major reason for his dissatisfaction with the relationship. As a sober mum, I decided that I would pick her up and take her home and look after her, so he could stay on and enjoy the party, which he really appreciated. I helped her shower and popped her in the upstairs bedroom, so I could hear if she continued to vomit. (I was so scared that she might choke!). She was sad, and saying she knew he didn’t want to be with her anymore, that she made him get back with her… And I felt sad too, but said not to think about it now, as she was drunk and just needed some sleep. She said “thanks for looking after me Jules, you’re so nice to me”. I nearly got a little tear. It felt weirdly satisfying to know that me not drinking meant I cold pick up my son’s girlfriend, and look after her, and relieve him of that stress. As drinking me would have ordinarily been passed out as well on a Saturday night, at 10pm. Unless she was still out drinking somewhere. I’m not sure how much life there is left in that relationship of theirs, but that’s not my problem. Anyway, as I popped quietly back into my own bed, my husband said in a very sleepy, quiet voice “you’re such a nice mum”. Again, I felt really quite emotional, but in a good way, like ,y heart would burst open. I feel very good about myself as a mum these days. I was always a good mum, but now I am proud of myself, and I feel that I am looking after my children better than I was before. And being a good example to them. Rather than drinking my life away, and somehow hoping they hadn’t noticed this rather enduring pattern of mine.
Anyway, there’s a lot more “Being” and a bit less “Doing” and I feel very appreciative of the life I have created. As though I kind of have a second chance at it. So much so, I wondered the other day if maybe I was about to be diagnosed with some awful terminal illness, and I actually don’t have much time left to live. And as I allowed myself to think like that, I also thought, well that is okay, as I am very happy with everything just as it is. Without the alcohol messing with my head and my health, there is nothing I need to change or work on or improve upon. I am happy with me. And that’s a very nice place to be. Happy Monday to you all in HSM land. Hope you are all going well.