Just a few days away now from 3.5 years sober. A great big empowering freedom.
It’s maybe more than a little ironic that I used to regard freedom as the freedom to do what I wanted, and want I wanted to do was get ‘buzzed’ as often as I could.
About 20 years ago, when I was living in Arizona, I was still what they call a ‘functional alcoholic’. But I would get sick and tired, of being sick and tired of drinking every night, spending the first half of everyday trying to shake off the night before, so I would quit.
I had this idea that if I made it enough days in a row, I would feel great and everything would return to normal. So I would obsess on how many days I had gone without drinking while trying to figure out how many more days I needed to get to this mythical state from which point I would just proceed with the rest of my life as a non-drinker. The result of that was thinking about drinking non-stop until it drove me crazy.
The conclusion; sobriety sucks! may as well go back to drinking!
So I would go back to drinking, and after a time, I would be sick and tired of it again and decide to stop drinking, until the obsession drove me back to the drink.
And on and on it went.
That was hell. That was bondage. No matter what I did I couldn’t get free from it. It had me even when I was abstinent.
Today I’m free from alcohol. I don’t crave it. I don’t obsess over it. The decisions I make don’t revolve around it. And the way I maintain that freedom is by living responsibly.
Responsibility; the very thing I thought was the antithesis of freedom is my only guarantor of it.
Isn’t it ironic? (take that Alanis Morissette!) It starts with being responsible with myself. Response- able. Able to respond to my own needs in a way that results in well being. To live well. The freedom to do what is right. To be true to myself so I can be there for others.
That’s true freedom. That’s what freedom of stop drinking has done for me and I’m thankful for it.
Today I will continue to live free by not picking up a drink.
Will you join me?
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