I am Free !

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2018 was my first full year of sobriety . Do I need perfect ? What is perfect ? My life is far from perfect but that’s ok .

I’ve learnt to feel and not numb .

I used to numb and not feel.

That wasn’t perfect either .

I’ve gained confidence, I know that much . I’ve chosen my battles . My response to all the annoying stuff , tragic stuff , all that everyday stuff that life throws at us . I’ve responded in my way . In an appropriate way . No dramas . No crazy nonsense.

I’ve used alot of 4-7-8 breathing and contemplating. Booze doesn’t allow that . There is no calm or rest .

I was restless . I was always seeking for something else . Usually my next drink .

So many questions: would there be enough ?

Would they sell it ?

Did I need extra stashed in my bag ?

Can’t you see my fu##ing glass is empty ?

Where’s mine. ?

Will he notice if I slurp his ?

Can I get away with a sneaky trip to the bar ?

Can I top up this bottle with water ?

Why can’t I remember?

When did those blackouts start ?

Will they know ?

Why are you drinking so slowly ?

Why can’t I have another ?

Why do we have to leave so early ?

Why are you so annoying ?

When did I say that ?

Why can’t I remember ?

Where did I leave my stuff ?

Why are my clothes wet !?

Why can’t I remember ?

I don’t know how I’ve spent so much !

Why can’t I remember?

Why are you looking at me like that ?

No I don’t remember what I said !

Why all this tension ?

Why do I feel sick with anxiety?

How am I so anxious ?

Why am I eating so much garbage ?

Why can’t I smile ?

Why did it take me so long to get here ?

It certainly was a journey of stopping & starting a lot . Figuring it out day after day . Realising finally that I couldn’t do one drink ! What’s the point in one f###ing drink ? The million dollar question that I never thought I’d be answering . The realisation that I couldn’t stop at 2 or 3 drinks or 6 or 7 drinks . I couldn’t stop the mayhem . I couldn’t stop the destruction until I finally understood that it literally was destroying me .

Dear alcohol terrorist,
You took away my freedom and promised a good time only to drop me like a hot potato to pick up the chaotic pieces . Turning people away from me . They didn’t like me & you together . You lied . You took my dignity & respect . You didn’t care . I’m so over it . Thank God my tribe here screamed & tore their hair out pulling me away from you .
Nothing will take me back .

Some of you are struggling . It’s heartbreaking to read . But boy do I get it .

It’s the freedom and quiet clear conscience that is the best bit . No drama .

Not perfection by any means but a calm me .

I remember stuff . I smile at stuff . I shake the anxiety off easier .

I’m showing up today and what you see is what you get .

No drama . No lies . Just me .

Imagine xxxxxxx

Alcohol Free in 2019 ! Year two I’m ready for you!


“When you quit drinking you stop waiting.”

― Caroline Knapp, Drinking: A Love Story


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