Sometime back in January, I decided that I had hit my final rock bottom.
I rolled up in my blankets for a couple of days and started googling.
One of the things that hit me was a statement that I read a few times in different places that said it usually takes 6 years for people to stop drinking once they decide that they need to.
I’ve never been able to commit to keeping a daily journal or diary but I have tried a few times when I thought it might help.
Back in March 2009, I wrote
” Somehow I have given up the belief that I have control over this but that is wrong!
Two days ago I drank an entire bottle of wine and went to bed angry.
Last night I drank nine beers and went to bed angry.
I do not need alcohol. I will stop today because I love my self, my husband and my kids! It stops now! I am back.”
November 2010 ( full of big words this time… trying hard… )
“A partial commitment is a commitment to failure
There is no inherent magnitude to this task.
It is as big or as small as you make it
You’re allowed to want a drink
as much as you’re allowed to chose not to have one.
Commit to 30 days
Life is a laboratory
Every time you reach for a bottle you are making a decision to do so. “
I’m not going to read backward in this book today because I know what it says.
I will , however, read this page every day this week to remind myself that I cannot drink anymore!
I also Do No WANT to drink anymore.
If I have one beer or one glass of wine I will have eight
as I have done almost every night this week.
It is time to say enough and get on with living my life.
Enough is enough!
I will not have ONE beer at the end of the day anymore because I want to love the beautiful life and family that I have been blessed with!
THIS IS EASY!
The reason that I have been coming back to this book for two years and writing the same thing is that I keep finding myself at a crisis point where I know that I am addicted to alcohol and have to stop and then after a couple of days I convince myself that it really is no big deal.
It really is a big deal Alcohol really is trying to destroy my life. I really am addicted and I really do need to make a JOYFUL POSITIVE commitment to stop drowning in it.
Since I know that one will lead to eight or nine I will commit to no longer having one!”
Use this book to remind yourself that it really is time to take this seriously
THE REALLY IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER when you start feeling really good in a couple of days is the feeling of DESPERATION, LONLINESS, and HOPELESSNESS that will come back if you decide to go ahead and let yourself have a beer.
It has been a long time now that one almost always leads to eight.
Get free and Stay free “
So that did not work…
I haven’t looked at the journal in at least 4 years.
Over that time I vacillated between desperation and denial.
I switched to wine so I wouldn’t get too fat, tried to burn off the alcohol with exercise and super healthy nutrition…kind of a binge and purge sort of thing. And then finally the blackouts started sometime in 2014.
This is how hard it was for me to “just stop” but finally that was what I did.
For me, it took blackouts to scare the crap out of me and HSM. Without HSM I would not be 2 months sober and HSM is you guys.
If there is any way that I can help any of you not need to spend 6 years in purgatory I will try….even if I might sound overly simplistic sometimes believe me I get how hard it is.
But at some point, the only way to stop is to stop……. Rethink the Drink BOOM