How often do you think ‘I’ve got to stop drinking!’ in a week? Or a day?
If you are here then it’s fair to assume it might be pretty often.
I was Constantly thinking about drink. Constantly.
When my glass was less than half full; I need to top that up.
‘The bottles getting low; I’m gonna have to go and get another one’.
‘I didn’t want to drink this much again. But I can’t not now I’ve started’
‘I hate myself for drinking’
‘I’m a pathetic failure for drinking like this’
‘I hate myself when I’m this drunk’
The rest of the time:
I fucking hate myself for drinking last night’
‘Can they all tell I drank?’
‘How bad do I look?’
‘I am not drinking tonight’
‘I want to drink’
‘I shouldn’t drink’
‘I’m gonna drink’
‘I’ve got a serious problem. I need to stop drinking’
‘Am I dying of something because of my drinking?’
I don’t know about anyone else here but I had these thoughts Every day. Repeatedly throughout the day.
I was spending a significant amount of time with booze on my mind one way or another.
There’s a lot of shame and self loathing in all of those thoughts. Desperation too.
Sometimes I would get inspired and fired up and manage 2 or 3 days. Then I would go right back to, where I thought, I belonged. This went on for a long time.
Then I found Boom. And thoughts about alcohol started to include:
‘I can do this!’
Peoples stories made me feel less alone in my failure. They gave me hope and inspiration. They gave me support and guidance and acceptance and love.
So I kept coming back. And coming back and fucking coming back. I didn’t stop trying to get sober. In the first year my biggest achievement was 10 consecutive days or less of sobriety. A lot of four days. And a lot more 2 days. But I kept coming back.
Because to give in completely would mean accepting, actively choosing to stay in my hell. Which felt like slow motion suicide.
And every time I came back I learned something new. From myself and others. More tools. More inspiration and wisdom. And the more sober days I experienced, the more I wanted it.
Unhungover days were the best days of my week. And my hunger for them steadily increased.
I clung on.
I was in continuous battle with the wine witch.
I felt small. And exhausted from being constantly smacked down by her. But I kept getting back up. She couldn’t defeat my desire to change. To shake her off and start Really Living without her. It felt so impossible. But it wasn’t. I just had to not stop trying. And eventually, something cracked. The penny dropped.
I’ve been sober 59 days out of 63. And feel fantastic about it. It is the best gift I have ever given myself.
So. If you can’t stop thinking about it – Don’t Stop Working For It.
Use the abundant support that’s freely available to you here. Write here and share you thoughts (important). Experiment. Try out the suggestions.
FORGIVE YOURSELF immediately for any slips. And try to be open here about them. You’re never judged and writing about it helps you to look at the experience objectively and learn from it.
LOVE YOURSELF as much as possible, treat yourself with a lot of love while you are trying to quit. Watch your thoughts and replace negative or defeatist thoughts with positive ones when you catch yourself running yourself down.
HAVE FAITH. Trust that you can do it. Trust that it’s going to be ok. Trust your decision to be sober.
Have Faith and Don’t Stop Working For It.
We are an independent, anonymous and private community who share resources, support and talk it through every day. It helps to have a community behind you in a world where alcohol is the only addictive drug that people will question you for NOT using
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Don’t let the shame of the stigma keep you from saying “I think I have a problem with drinking”