I spent years writing tortured private journal entries promising to stop drinking. I didn’t journal often but when I did I wrote empassioned, apologetic, sad, and frustrated pleas to myself. I wrote promises to my kids and husband swearing that I would stop! That I would stop TODAY! But I sealed those promises inside my journal and hid it in the bottom of a drawer.
I wrote those journal entries sincerely but when I wasn’t able to stick to the promises I made I would kick myself hard for being weak willed, and then settle back into the routine of lying to myself about the dangers of daily binge drinking untill the next colossal hungover guilt fest. Then I would write another tragic, empassioned, apologetic, sad, and frustrated secret plea to myself and a promise to my kids and husband that I would stop this time, finally, today, because enough was enough !
But it never worked.
My addiction was absolutely dependent on lies and secrecy. I drank like my friends in public but when I got home I continued, and continued, and continued. The further I sank into secrecy about the extent of my drinking the more important it became that I get real in a public way ……. public but somehow private at the same time .
The first day that I started journaling publicly, by posting my plan anonymously to an on-line community, was the day that I finally stopped drinking once and for all.The process of recovery for me has been about finally growing up, finally accepting responsibility, working out my truth and unexpectedly awakening to a childlike wonder at the world around me. It took courage to state my plan publicly and It took courage to lay my thoughts on the line each day but in return, for trusting the people around me to gently catch me if I fell, I was rewarded with genuine freedom.
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