Was I drinking everyday? No .
Did I get drunk every time? I don’t think so. I masked it well.
So was there a problem ?
It got to the stage where after a few drinks, my emotions were all over the place. Nasty me . Picking on my hub, poor guy. Raging at my kids, poor guys. My mind was going crazy. I wasn’t in control.
I tried moderation many times. Kept promising myself that it would be ok today. The house is tidy, supper is cooking. Wow what a wonderful domestic goddess I was. Sneaking a few more “extra”.
He won’t know.
It’s a game. The thrill of seeing how far I could go. !!!! Until the game was up.
” What was wrong with you last night ? ” did he not know !??? ! To this day I don’t think my hub has any idea how much I used to drink.
Growing up with an alcoholic mother has left its mark but I’m ok. I chose to not leave those marks on my own kids.
I was deceitful, and untruthful, and made some ridiculously stupid choices.
I cannot believe how calculating and sly I was. I went to many lengths to feed my thirst and desire to greedily down as much booze as I could. I was pretty close to losing my marriage …..
Every ounce of energy and time was taken up by figuring out how I’d sneak the next drink !! Until I found an online community where I could talk openly about it, I honestly didn’t realise other women were doing the same thing.
How I’d share a bottle of wine with my hub. Oh, but I had my own secret stash going alongside too!!! Hidden of course!
He could never understand how ‘two’ glasses affected me the way they did !!!
Did I mention that I’d slurp from his glass if he went to the loo. How F##ing greedy was I ???
Oh, but did I mention the several cans of pre mixed G&T ‘s I’d slurped from 3pm !!!
My god I can’t imagine how much money I spent every week.
Then I’d panic. I panicked a lot in those days. Would he find my empties ?? Would he notice that I’d watered down the gin !!! Wtf !! It certainly was a full time job keeping these secrets and lies from him and those around me. I’m exhausted just thinking about it . Not to mention getting rid of all the empties.
Sums it up.
Remembering this is a stark reminder to myself that at the end of the day, I was only kidding one person …… Alcohol f##ing lies. Promising it’ll be ok this time. Just stay in control. You’re OK.
It’s the next morning and I’m trying to piece it all together. Looking for clues. How much trouble was I in ???? Omg no wonder I was a nervous train wreck !!!
I can honesty say that my cyber communities HSM & Boom saved me. Watching any documentary on sobriety saved me. Podcasts, audiobooks, saved me. Heather Kopps audiobook ” Sober Mercies ” really, really, really spoke to me . My god I could relate to so much of it. Her lies and deceit were so like me and mine. Don’t be put off by the Christian element. It’s not full on and mainly towards the end. I still listen to it. Even today after many sober months it reminds me.
Coming here on line continues to boost my resolve and remind me that I have done the best thing that I ever could for myself. You can too you know . Read & post . It really does make a difference. I’m absolutely mortified at how horrible I was when I was drinking !!! But now I’m free!
Booze gives nothing but takes everything. I never saw it before I stopped.
How deceitful were you ? What lengths did you go to for a drink ? How sneaky were you ? How creative and inventive were your lies ????
Today I won’t drink. I’ll not bury my head in the sand !
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