Change

The Subtle Difference Between Should and Must

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I thought too many times that I should stop drinking or at least I should cut down on my drinking. In the morning I told myself something should change. Even as I gave myself my gift of my wine after a hard day I would promise myself that tomorrow something should change. Oh I wanted something to change. Be sure of that. I knew something should change.

When I woke up anxious, sweating and disorientated at 3am.
When I couldn’t go back to sleep.
When my thoughts told me I was a waste of space.
When I dragged my leaden body to the shower in the morning.
When I stared at my puffy face and saw ‘black under the eyes’ in the mirror.

I knew something should change.

When I fretted over all the things my unloosened mouth may or may not have said.
When I flounced to bed after another stupid argument.
When I couldn’t remember….
When I pretended I could remember and tried to piece whatever fragments of the previous nights conversation I could.
When I worried I’d embarrassed myself.
When I’d talked on the phone or text…

I knew something should change.

When I watched the drinks being poured and made sure I got my fair share – angry if my glass was a millimetre lower than yours.
When I couldn’t understand how people could drink so slow.
When my glass was clearly empty and no one was refilling theirs or mine.
When I hid the bottle deep into the bin.

I knew something should change.

When I hated my life.
When I hated my thoughts and feelings.
When I hated myself…..

I knew something should change.

Should should should.
I should all over the place…..
I should all over my life.

But my life didn’t change……
Even though I knew it should.

Until the day I changed the word should to must.
Must.


Such a subtle change.

Must stay AF whatever happens in my life.
Must accept that no one else can make this change for me.
Must accept that I – and I alone – can change it.
Must begin the process of change.
Must do what is necessary to change my life.
Must accept that I am the source for the change.
Must make this change last.
Must believe that I can change all this.
Must do this for me.
Must do this because it’s time.
Must do this because it’s what I want.

I finally accepted without doubt that something MUST change.

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