On New Year’s Eve, 2023, I started drinking early. We had already thrown four Christmas parties, and I had been in an absolute binge since the day before Christmas Eve. The only thing making the days manageable was more booze. I hated it. I hated that I couldn’t stop drinking. Alcohol was in control.
I cried a lot (to myself).
On New Year’s Eve that year, I started drinking at work, then left and drove quite far to pick up our catering for yet another party. I drank on the way there and drank on the way back, and the rest of the night was more of the same… DRUNK AND BORING! Me being there, but not really.
I was angry and depressed.
I have read my journal entries from the year leading up to that New Years Eve. I can still feel the self-hatred and disgust I had for myself. I can still remember being so hungover on a daily basis that all I could do was drink to make it better. I can still remember walking outside in the morning, and it was always too loud and too bright. I would get sick sometimes. I can still remember the fights with my husband, the nights he left me passed out on the couch, the THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of dollars I spent on programs to get me sober (not one of which worked). I can still remember the nights I laid in bed absolutely sobbing because I f*cking HATE alcohol and want nothing more than to drink it.
I never ever want to go back to that place. Sneaking, hiding, lying. I was in a world all my own.
I truly believe that if I’d continued on the way I was, I may not be here today. I was on the edge. I still am not ready to talk about that very dark stuff, but I don’t need to yet. I know that I was not heading in a good direction.
I lost my uncle in this battle last year. When I say battle, I don’t say it lightly. He had been dealing with this poison for as long as I can remember. Suddenly he was taken to the hospital, unconscious, for alcohol poisoning. The plan was to keep him sedated until he got through the initial withdrawal, but he was never able to come out of it.
When I imagine someone who dies by alcohol, I imagine them getting liver cirrhosis or stomach cancer or some other terrible thing that will absolutely kill you, but my uncle quite literally drank himself to death. Suicide by alcohol. And that is not to say that the other things aren’t terrible – they are!! But I guess my brain never put that piece of the puzzle into place: Alcohol by itself can kill you.
I wouldn’t say I remember him being the “life of the party” or wild and crazy – but I ALWAYS remember him having a beer in his hand. And it sounds like, toward the end, they can turn to bottles and multiple bottles per day.
He was awesome though!
He was hilarious with his dark humor and one-liners. He was fluent in Mandarin Chinese and Korean. He was in the military a good portion of his life and worked in aerospace! He loved to fish and hunt and would talk politics to anyone who would like an argument. Too smart for his own good? Maybe. But it is a true shame that a single substance could take such a seemingly successful, incredibly intelligent human being and turn off his light.
January 1st, 2024, I was just so mad. So sad. My body was telling me that it’d had enough. I decided that it was time to stop drinking and hoped I could make it 7 days. And now, over a year later, I am FREE!
My secret? I did nothing besides being sober. Every time I thought, “Oh, I shouldn’t eat this cookie,” or “I need to stay at work late to get this stuff done”, I stopped and told myself that as long as I was sober, I didn’t have to do anything else.
I started asking questions when I was on the verge of drinking. I’d ask, “What do I REALLY REALLY want right now?” and also, “If I could do anything I wanted today, what would I do?”
To my surprise, I didn’t (always) say alcohol. My responses were things like “I want to leave work and get cheesecake” or “I want to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia all day long”. And then, I did my best to move my schedule around so that I could do those things! I did whatever it took to stay sober. I’m still doing whatever it takes to stay sober to this day.
I also made a point to really have fun during activities where I’d normally drink. During this first alcohol-free year I survived a boozy adult waterpark picnic, a wedding, a 4-day trade-show-drunk fest, camping, Christmas, and several bonfires and hangouts.
I would force myself to think, “I am having FUN right now!” and I did!
I found a girl who I was really intimidated by in real life and found out that she’d quit drinking. “If ___ can do it, then why the f*ck can’t I !?!!” and I’d get mad (in my mind) and say, “Tell me I can’t stay sober right now… watch me!!”.
I attended online meetings (both AA and meetings on the Reframe app). I didn’t really participate, but they were VERY VERY helpful. And you guys. Boom. I don’t know if I could stay sober without Boom. A place to write it out. To get it out of my head. To bounce ideas off of people and to know that I won’t be judged. This place is truly a safe haven. I am ever grateful.
All of the stuff people said I “had to do” to stay sober, I took some and left some and made it up as I went. Sometimes, a mantra or habit would last for 2 or 3 days, and then it wouldn’t work anymore, so I didn’t force it. I’m still making it up now and it’s working.
I made a bargain with myself. This is probably not a healthy thing to do, but it’s worked. I’ve come up with a scenario in my mind that if ___XYZ___ happens, and ONLY then, I will calmly ask myself if I want to drink, and if the answer is yes, then I will. If this particular thing happens, things will be pretty darn bad, and drinking would not be my biggest problem. I am truly hoping to never encounter this thing (which is too horrible to talk about), but if I do, I have an out.
I know that I can no longer drink alcohol. I don’t want to drink “one drink”. I want to drink ten drinks and all at the same time, one after the other. By next week, I’d be that girl laying in bed sobbing at 3 am again. I don’t ever want to go back there and I’m not sure I could make it out again.
If you are struggling I want to reassure you that things DO get better.
That’s not to say it is easy, goodness me I haven’t found it to be a walk in the park. Through my first year sober I often found myself revisiting my early strategies. Distraction, healthy food, exercise, reading, reading, reading, podcasts, positive self-talk, ODAAT (or less), and engagement with BOOM.
The early days can be grim, and so can those further on, but please invest in yourself and respect yourself; you are worth so much more than alcohol can give.
Every single day, I try to really FEEL sober. I just sit sometimes and think “Damn, I feel good”. Not that it’s all puppies and rainbows, and not that I feel GREAT all the time, but I do feel damn good. And I know the difference because for years I remember sitting the same way and thinking “Damn, I just feel like shit!”.
And multiple times per day I am so grateful that I am sober. Some days it’s hard to remember, and some days it’s hard not to remember.
I realized today that drinking at this point would be complete devastation. AND THAT’S EXACTLY what I need – just that thought. Because every now and again, the voice will start up trying to trick me. But then I think about how I’ve built my entire life now around not drinking and everything would blow up in my face. My husband would be devastated, my health would be devastated, my future would look bleak… complete devastation. And I know all too well what that life looks like. I never ever want to go back there again.
The drinking part was actually the good part (the feeling good part, actively drinking). It was what the drinking did to the rest of my life that scares the hell out of me and makes me realize that I can never go back there again. I may not make it out again.
Not getting ahead of myself, still ODAAT over here. But when I examine the fork in the road, one path looks colorful and bright and welcoming. The other path looks dark, colorless. But I’ve been down both paths and know what they hold. It makes the choice easier.
I recently celebrated my first year sober and I want to dedicate this new freedom I’m so thrilled to have achieved to the memory of my uncle. And I have been given the biggest GIFT by experiencing the addiction and by getting out. I have 100% proof that alcohol directly kills. If I’d continued on where I was going, this could EASILY be me in the future… how long is anybody’s guess.
I could go on and on and on. I already have! But it’s just this simple. I am sober. I plan to stay sober.
More posts from the perspective of one year sober :
On Becoming More Human – One Year Sober
One Year Sober – Connecting with Myself
One Year Alcohol Free – Why I Don’t Struggle to Never Drink Again
The image at the begining of this post is taken from this poem by Floss
When does the warm embrace of alcohol feel like a death cape?
When does the need to hide become much stronger than where you wanted to reside?
When do we start to lose the fight?
During the day
Drinking to stop thinking
Or late at night
When no-one can see
Just how much we’ve forgotten how to be?
When does the wine witch hug you so tight
Carefully avoiding your eyes
So you can’t see the fright?
The endless abyss
And all you could miss?
When do you choose her
And her only?
When exactly does it get to this?
But
Sobriety offers a blanket of bliss
Protects you from the elements
Wrap yourself in it
If you’ve nearly drowned
Feel it’s warmth
It won’t let you down
Look around
There’s still hope
H Hold
O On
P Pain
E Ends
If you’re “sober curious” …If you are drinking too much too often and want to stop or take a break… Talk to Us. We are an independent, anonymous and private community who share resources, support and talk it through every day. It helps to have a community behind you in a world where alcohol is the only addictive drug that people will question you for NOT using
