The holidays are here. I guess they began with Halloween. Or was it Labor Day, or July Fourth, or last weekend, or was it thirsty Thursday? You know the drill. What’s your excuse for drinking? Just pick one…they are everywhere. They’re free, but (full disclosure), they do come with strings attached. And everyone will be drinking, because it is fun and we don’t want to miss out on all that fun. But fun comes with strings attached, too, if that fun involves drinking.
I’ve had some wonderful, fun times with family and friends at holidays. And I’ve also seen the ugly side of people drinking themselves into embarrassing situations. And relatives (some very close to home) becoming argumentative and belligerent. Holidays can be stressful and depressing to many people. Drinking may seem like an escape from that, but we all know by now that it may be brief respite, but nothing goes away or gets better if we drink.
We’re not here because we are able to join the social crowd, those people who have a mimosa and/ or a glass of wine with the turkey dinner. We’re the ones who probably fortified ourselves before we arrived, made sure we got the second (or third) mimosa, and cracked a bottle of wine or opened the first of two six-packs before dinner. And continued into the night.
So what are we missing? If we drink, we miss the enjoyment of camaraderie, of reconnecting with people we may not see very often, and the joy in children’s faces. We get to experience the hangover and wonder if we embarrassed ourselves. But if we are sober, we get to see all that, to experience it and to remember it. If there is drama, we’re not part of it.
I do not have a secret way of getting through these events without drinking. My reason is only a commitment to myself that I am not going to drink, and it does not depend on what other people do. There will be drinkers and drunks at most (all???) of these gatherings, and I choose to remain sober. It is what I do every day, and holiday events (or thirsty Thursdays) are no different. If someone asks why I’m not drinking (and they rarely do), I tell them that I’ve drunk my share already, that I’m done with it. How can you argue with that. And I really don’t care if people think I’m an alcoholic or are just envious that I can do what they probably wish they could do. It’s just a choice and a commitment to honor that choice. It is how I made it the first 30 days. It is how I made it 100 days. It is how I made it 6 months. I kept proving to myself that I can do this. And along the way, I realized that I don’t miss alcohol very often, and when I do, I remember my commitment and the reasons why it is a good idea for me to not drink.
If you are one of those who can have a drink or two and stop while others around you keep going, I’m happy for you. But if you are one of us, the ones who lack the “off” switch, join me in a commitment for an alcohol free holiday season (and beyond). Make a commitment to yourself and have holidays to remember for all the right reasons.
Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone. Stay safe and sober.
Join us in our BOOM Rethink the Drink Community where we are talking about the ins and outs of Loving Living Alcohol-Free for the holidays with our NOvemeber and a December you CAN remember monthly themes.
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Join us starting today with an alcohol-free Thanksgiving! We’re finding inspiration, tips and tools in Jean McCarthy’s Unpickled Holiday Survival Guide. You can find those discussion posts in our book club here
And get ready if you’re hosting Thanksgiving today with these thoughts from that discussion
Boom Bookclub Unpickled Holiday Survival Guide Discussion Hosting an Event
I am happy to announce that my hosting duties for November are complete! I had two gatherings this past weekend, and they both went well. I used several pieces of advice from Jean McCarthy. First, let me say that I have a love/hate relationship with hosting. I love the control; I hate the pressure. And, I have realized that the control creates the pressure. So, the first thing I did was that I went back to an earlier post in this discussion. The one where we chose a word. My word is “ALLOW,” so I went into these two events trying to allow more space (for everyone, including me) to be who they are.
The first piece of advice I want to point out is that a few of Jean’s “words of wisdom” from sober friends point out that they wish they would have waited longer to host. I agree. This is my 5th holiday season, and it is my first time hosting. I have had other gatherings, but I had not yet felt comfortable taking on the added pressure of holiday expectations. So, if you are newly sober, and you have the option – maybe wait to host. But, that’s not always possible, and as she also points out, “There may never be a convenient window of time.”
In other words, don’t use the holidays or hosting an event as an excuse to drink. It might be hard, but we can do hard things. If drinking is non-negotiable for you, it’s non-negotiable.
Here are things that helped me:
Assess expectations – For me, this meant hosting the gatherings on the weekend instead of the actual holiday. It also meant dividing up the celebrations so that I was able to spend time interacting with smaller groups. Finally, it meant accepting help and setting boundaries. I am learning that I am better off if I am up front about what I want and need rather than holding it in and feeling resentment later. (This mainly has to do with how I interact with my parents, and my in-laws and spouse when they are together.)
Something’s gotta give – Great advice! I cooked for 12 hours straight on Sunday, but cooking is a form of creativity for me and it actually eases my anxiety. However, I do not set a formal table. I use disposable dishes at times, and I don’t care if I have the proper silverware. I have people serve themselves.
Have plenty of N/A options – I went a little crazy with three types of AF beer, a few sparkling waters, and some other fizzy beverages filled my fridge. And, my tea drawer is always stocked, but I did find some new options (including the Mulled Wine one I saw here!) I love options, and I love being able to try something new.
A Recovery Nest – I love this idea so much! I didn’t actually do it because my events were short (another boundary I set!). However, I do use my bathroom as an escape when the going gets tough. My teenage daughter threw a fit during one of our gatherings, and it just triggered me so much. I didn’t want to argue with her, and I didn’t want to feel angry, so I took a time-out. I went into my bathroom and washed my face. I put on some nice-smelling lotion. I took a few deep breaths. If you are having guests over this holiday season, and you worry about staying sober, I think this Recovery Nest is an excellent idea! Here is how Jean describes it: Choose a place in your home that can serve as your own personal getaway. It should have privacy and a comfortable place to sit or lay down and be away from the area where guests will be gathered. Add items like…a meditation cushion, headphones and a podcast, snacks, and a bottle of water.” Bring your phone with you and check in on Boom! This is what “The Loo Club” is, but if you are able to create a more comfortable temporary refuge, I think it could work wonders. If you try it, let us know! (It took me less than 5 minutes to put together the example below. And it might just stay this way!)
Please share what has helped you stay alcohol-free when you are the host – and please share what fears you have if your hosting duties are coming up! You can answer those questions and see our answers as well in our Boom Rethink the Drink Community on this post here and you can find our Book Club Discussion of Jean McCarthy’s book The Unpickled Holiday Survival Guide here
I’ll be alcohol-free today – will you join me?
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