It is demoralizing to find yourself back on day one after you make a commitment to stop drinking. For many of us, that back-to-day-one scenario happens over and over again. I started my serious effort to stop drinking in July of 2020. I was worn down and ill from associated sleep issues and gastroenteritis. I couldn’t take it anymore. Truly. I was hurting and pretending I was fine – I was pretending that it was normal.
Normal?
The constant feeling of being cruddy. The turning to wine each night. Chasing relaxation and an escape from life. Buried under the hard stuff. The daily grind and pull. Always ending up with a headache, trying to minimize how bad the hangover would be. Gulping glass after glass of water during the night while I wasn’t sleeping. The lack of sleep became debilitating.
But I saw the potential. I saw the potential for a different normal. The potential for Joy in each day one.
It was all too easy for me to accept a dullish sort of mundane misery as my normal. I repress feeling too much happiness. I play it down. I refuse to outright express that things are good. Because they can always go bad quickly, right?
I am conditioned to squelch feelings of pure joy. Happiness. Lightness.
As if I don’t deserve them. As if I could never be good enough to have true joy in my life.
Lower those expectations. Hold in those big feelings. Dull it down. Keep quiet. Be polite.
I think that those of us with alcohol use disorder have a past where we were not encouraged to be joyful? Where we had to carry the burdens. Be responsible. Don’t be unruly. So emotional. Don’t be happy. It might be taken away. Do what is expected. Have the emotion that seems appropriate but don’t go overboard
Alcohol made me think I could be joyful and light. Escape my own serious personality. Be silly. But really it just went zooming past the fun part into the sloppy part and the sometimes mean part where I said and did many unkind things. That’s not joy.
Since that beginning in mid 2020, I’ve had SO many day ones. You would think I’d just throw in the towel. The longest I have been able to go alcohol free is about nine months. Didn’t make a year. So disappointed in myself time and time again.
But I have finally accepted that the potential for joy is in each day one and I am holding on to my quit. I’m not letting myself be disappointed any longer. I’m proud. And I’m alcohol free.
Each day one has made a difference. Each day one has strengthened my desire to live an alcohol free life. Even if I have wandered from the path, each time I come back I know more. More about alcohol. More about me.
And three years in, I know alcohol will NEVER have the same hold on me. Alcohol has not changed. I have. Alcohol is always there. Waiting. Lurking. Calling. But I don’t have to listen. And I have resources. And tools. And support from a community that is there with me. Every day.
This is not a race. There is no prize. You will get no medal. In your day to day life, you may get no acknowledgment at all for staying alcohol-free. Maybe just a token of appreciation for what you are going through and how far you have come. Or worse, you may get criticism and skepticism for choosing not to drink. Some may be angry you won’t be a drinking buddy any longer.
But three years in and numerous day ones under my belt, I don’t care. Nothing about being alcohol free is for anyone else. Ditching alcohol may make things better in your life and may benefit your relationships, but holding on to the joy promised by that last day one is about you.
I have learned to make this life choice all about me. Only me. And to let it be ok that it’s for me. And that has been so hard! I never knew how hard doing something so difficult just for me with little support from those closest to me could be!
Enter in the many day ones. It’s hard. And it’s easy to let alcohol back in. And it can feel so defeating. But all of these day ones have actually made me stronger. And the changes I’ve made are irrevocable. Permanent. Even when I’m thinking I’m moderating, my brain is now more alcohol free than not. So I keep coming back to being alcohol free. I am not ignorant any longer.
Drinking will never feel like it did. I can’t bury the truth. It comes to the surface each time. And I’m so thankful for that! I want nothing to do with my previous drinking career. Willfully poisoning myself on an almost daily basis. Gradually sinking into heavy alcohol use. Almost giving up.
I’m so happy that I am unable to drink with abandon. That thoughts of what will happen after are first and foremost on my mind. That even when I am consuming small amounts of alcohol, all the knowledge I have accumulated, and knowing I will be back on boom the next day, is always right there. And it halts my drinking. And makes me try again.
I don’t care if it’s a slip or a horrid slide. You now know it’s happening. You feel it on every level. The things you have absorbed in your work to be alcohol-free don’t leave you. They may get pushed down, but they will struggle to be heard. We just have to listen. Grab on. Take that tiny spark and try again. Pull ourselves up through the murky waters and reach the surface.
There will be moments we want to drink. Situations that were not planned for and will bring big emotions. Will spark that desire to drink. To celebrate. To mourn. To hide. To dull. To fill the time. To procrastinate.
See the potential for JOY in your last day one and let it in! Let it STAY.
I’m not truly joyful yet. But being alcohol-free is slowly making me believe that the potential for joy is there. And that I might achieve it. In time. As I continue to grow into and explore this alcohol-free life I am building. With all of you. One day at a time.
Come join us today and sharing your struggles. Together we’ll feel the hope and acknowledge the frustrations. All of it! Because these moments get us through. Change our brains. Further our AF life. One day one at a time.
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