Today I am 476 consecutive days sober. Like many others who are trying to stay sober I have had numerous Day 1s. The alcohol-free days lasted anywhere from a few weeks to nine months, off and on since 2015. But this time is different.
How do I know I’ll stay sober? My ambivalence is gone. I was finally able to snip that emotional connection I had to alcohol. That connection was based on false premises of what alcohol was doing for me. Among other things, I thought drinking reduced my anxiety and increased my sense of belonging. It wasn’t true. In order to snip that connection, I had to recognize that my attachment to alcohol was deluded.
Alcohol’s power was so strong, I thought I’d never break free. The one thing that has been constant all of these years, is I never stopped stopping. I examined every failed attempt at staying sober as if it were a specimen in a biology lab. I suspended all judgement and became curious. Instead of ‘what is WRONG with me’ I started asking ‘what’s up with me?’ It made all the difference in the world.
I deeply respect the power of alcohol. I know the hold that it had on me. I no longer fear it, though. Respect replaced my haughty sense of “I can handle it this time.” From repeated experiments, I know that to be false. I am okay with that.
The AA slogan of “one day at a time” is filled with depth & wisdom. Today is all we have, THIS moment in time. Join me? Life will continue to unfold: There will be good days and bad days, happy and sad days; and everything in between. However, these sober days all glow compared to the alcohol-induced-half-alive haze I once lived in.
Alcohol had it’s grip on me so tightly, that I was afraid that I’d never break free. I went from resentful (what can’t I drink?) to awareness (I shouldn’t drink) to wisdom (when I drink, everything fails: body, mind, spirit).
I finally arrived at “I don’t drink” and that tickles me senseless. I actually take pleasure in NOT drinking. It took me numerous attempts to stop to get past the ambivalence of wanting to drink.
Having said that, I don’t take sobriety for granted. I KNOW that I cannot pick up, not even for “just one” or “special occasions.” I tried that, too. If I could have? I wouldn’t be here.
When I ask myself, ‘what is different this time?’ I am able to clearly identify those differences. So what is actually different between the prior attempts and this current one?
1) Me. My decision to stop was not generated by shame or fear or force. As October 2022 was unfolding, I realized that sobriety was within my grasp. It was up to me.
2). All the other attempts taught me something about myself. The biggest, though? I was emotionally and physically attached to alcohol. My mind and body was convinced that I could not do life without this “essential” drug. I was addicted to alcohol and the only way to break that addiction is to stay sober. Period.
3) At first? I didn’t want to stop. I knew, intellectually, that I needed to stop. However, the emotional and psychological attachment was incredibly strong. When people say the thought of quitting is like grieving a loss? That was true for me. I simply was not ready to stop. I couldn’t wrap my mind around “never” again.
4) Along the way, I learned some essential self-care and coping skills. I use them today (HALT, STOP, Deep Breathing) as I continue to learn more and practice more (Yoga, Meditation, Movement (swim & dance).
5) Community, First HSM and now Boom, is an essential component of on going sobriety (for me). Something magical happens among like-minded people, although from vastly different walks of life…we get it. We understand. We support. We hold one another up. We comfort. We learn from one another.
6) For me, breaking the emotional and psychological cord is what has made the difference between now and my previous attempts. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get triggered. I do. It simply means that I don’t yearn for it.
7) I had to also break some hold habits and develop new ones. I always drank in the evening, alone, watching TV. I still like to wind down the day with TV (Netflix), and I still have plenty to drink, just not the alcohol kind.
8) I have always heard that people drink for the alcohol, not the taste. Perhaps that is true to some degree. It wasn’t true, for me, 100%. I didn’t drink anything other than beer. Simply did not like it. In all my other attempts, I didn’t have options for 0.0 that tasted like beer. I do, now. So when I want a “beer”, I reach for one of my 0.0. It does the trick. I rarely drink the entire 12 oz. I am satisfied with around 8 – 10 oz.
9) I no longer agonize or think about “never again?!?” I no longer crave or desire the buzzed or drunk feeling. I actually enjoy being sober. I like how it feels, how much I can accomplish (if I want to), how much I can rest (really rest). It is a way of life that suits me, now.
I am staying sober because drinking does not align with my higher purpose: flourishing in this last chapter of my life. The emotional attachment to alcohol was so strong, I thought I’d never get to this place. I am finding myself through the decision to live an alcohol free life. It’s never too late.
Join me?
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