All she’s ever known.
Because all she’s ever known is poisoning her body and her mind, in some way, for as long as she can remember….
So now calm feels scary,
and peace too unfamiliar,
and happiness too fleeting,
and so….
The self sabotage begins well before the new changes can become habit.
Because the pain feels like home,
the stress and anxiety, comfort to her bones.
It’s all she’s ever known.
But then one day she wakes and realizes just how powerful she is.
She is in control…
Not that scared little girl left to worry on her own.
So peace and happiness and calm can be like meeting new friends.
Welcome them in, take time to get to know.
Maybe it’s excitement mistaken as fear and unfamiliar can become comfort and if happiness is fleeting, so is the sadness that has seeped so deeply into her being.
She realizes she was powerful even for all those years….she did everything she could to live with her fears.
Surviving and making her way through it all.
The chaos served its purpose.
The self sabotage was just a part of the process.
A sad, but necessary piece, in order to weather the storms.
But now it’s time to make a home with peace.
To make a home with calm.
To make a home within herself…
The one place, she didn’t know, she had always belonged.
And she tells all her past selves, that she loves them, forgives them and honors for them for getting her to the place she is now.
Because she has finally made it long enough for the changes to become habit and her new friends feel like old friends she just hasn’t seen, in so long.
She once only knew how to poison her body and her mind, but now, she has gained so much clarity.
Now, she is brave enough to choose, to live a life, she’s not willing to lose.
A long time ago, I gave myself a mask.
I learned that people loved me, just as long as I stayed quite. I stayed happy. I stayed pleasant to be around.
My true feelings had no place.. they just made people upset. That mask hid it all.
I wore that mask every day, even within the places I should have felt the most safe.
The mask was now my safety and it came with me every where.
Wearing that mask was exhausting though.
Heavy.
Hard to breathe.
So I learned to hold my breathe for a very long time.
That first sip of alcohol felt like breathing for the first time.
And the drinks that followed, felt like the freshest air I had ever known.
The alcohol replaced that mask… even just for a little while.
I was safe without the mask now; alcohol became my safety.
But as the alcohol left me, so did my safety.
The mask became more difficult to put back on….
Without the mask, I was left too vulnerable…. Ahh the answer to this of course, was to find more alcohol.
Stuck in a dreadful cycle of holding onto a mask that suffocated me and then finding relief in those drinks.
Was there another way?
Reaching a point where the mask was ripping apart and not hiding me any longer.
The alcohol seeped into every crack and instead of acting like glue, tore the mask apart that much more.
I was left with nothing.
The mask I had worn for as long as I could remember, was gone.
The alcohol that used to comfort & provide me with so much safety, now, just left me raw and torn.
Who the fuck am I, without either to depend on?
Finding myself.
Learning to find safety, often felt impossible….
So I would ask myself;
What do I really need, in order to feel safe?
What do I really need, to help me feel like me?
I would search through memories tucked away deeply, to find the moments throughout time, that REALLY made me feel, like me.
Writing. Singing. Dancing. Hiking. Making tea. Reading. Eating. Swimming. Walking. Long car rides & loud music.
Late nights spent laughing under the stars.
Traveling to new places and listening to stories from strangers.
Sitting by the water and touching the trees.
No mask.
No alcohol.
Just me.
Those things allowed me to breathe, allowed me to be me.
Moments where I once felt free.
I began to do more of those things and the more I did, the more I could breathe…the more safe, I felt.
Today, I continue to breathe.
Even when it feels too hard.
Even when I need support to remind me. Even when it feels like too much.
I breathe and I do those things that bring me back.
The mask was temporary and served it’s purpose….
The alcohol lied for too long…
No more hiding.
No more suffocating.
I AM safe now.
I AM safe now, to be me.
I hope you’re feeling safe too. If not, if you bought into the lie that alcohol is liquid courage and have found your mask has cracked. No longer working. Join us . Come talk it through.
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