Did you study anatomy in high school or college ? I did in so many ways… From books to the gorgeous Sylvia sitting in my English class. The more I saw, the more I wanted to see and there was quite a bit of lovely bits to see too. I never enjoyed English so much and had so much strain in my knickers. What did I learn? I learned I was not a good speller and that Sylvia liked tall brunettes with similar lovely bits as hers…
Now, I need to compare my relapse to Sylvia. Sylvia was sexy and so desirable and made me feel so very good sitting there in the classroom. She even agreed to “hang out” a few times which fueled my desire even further. I eventually saw who she really was behind those magnificent mammalian protuberances. She was a user and never really wanted more from me than a ride. Booze is my new Sylvia (minus the tits) but booze is so much more vicious. I was gently invited for a tiny taste because a friend was buying me dinner and a movie as a birthday gift and I did not want to offend. I figured, one glass of wine, I can do that! The next day, I told myself that I was definitely in control and I can have a little more. So, Sylvia tempted me further and with a little more until Sunday morning. I woke up hungover and could not remember 98.7654% of the movie we had watched the night before. That bitch got me and she lied this time as much as previous times.
Why did I go back, why did I even bother with the one glass. I did not want to offend? Screw that, it is an excuse! This friend of mine would not have been offended. I was tempted and found an excuse ignoring all the signs. I did not look at the big picture. I failed to analyze what was going to happen. I fell in that trap like a teenager hoping for a squeeze that would never come. Did I learn something? Hell YA! Sylvia (The Booze) will not change, no matter how I approach it. She will tempt me with a new blouse and one less button, get what she wants and drop me like a rotten apple. Thinking about it further, reliving that feeling Sunday morning, I am stronger. I am not bullet proof but definitely stronger. This showed me how vicious the lizard brain can be and how sexy the booze can appear just for a fraction of a second. What else did I learned, that I have to be more vigilant about triggers. There was more to Saturday night than the escalation after the glass of wine. Something happened that trigger me to go all out hog wild with a full bottle of wine and ¾ bottle of vodka.
Now, for the last part of the anatomy class. What triggered me Saturday, was it that bad that I had to do what I did? Was the problem bigger than the consequence. It was not and I could have used my energy better and wake up happy. Did I tell you about Lucy? Lucy was no Sylvia. Lucy was cute and a bit of a tomboy. Now that I look back and think about her and see images. Lucy was very pretty and was an awesome person who actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. I ignored Lucy and chased after Sylvia… Woke up hungover and feeling like a damp bagged fart and Lucy had found her way into the heart of another! I need to look more closely at Lucy before I run to Sylvia.
So, I start over again because I did not compare the difference between the trigger and the consequence. We all go through a lot of crap and some of us deal with it better than others. We just have to make sure that before we take that first sip, we are sure that this solution is way better than the problem at hand. Some of us will still fail but maybe a little less if we think about it really hard. The wine witch is powerful but before you fall maybe you should take a peak at the fairy goddess Chai Tea… She is sexy and tasty too…
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