I used to stop drinking for a month and pat myself on the back and drink again and slide back to drinking just as much. I used to go a month without alcohol and count the days until I could drink again. I couldn’t imagine a life without drinking as part of it- in some way. I needed alcohol because I knew no other way to cope with real life, the real me. -My thoughts and feelings. I thought of it as my gift to myself, a wonderful drug that could relax me, make me feel happier, lighten my life.
I knew no other way.
My ‘habit’ was ingrained. My right of passage given to me from 16 years of age onwards. And now I was 50. And I knew no other way.
Because I knew no other way to cope with life. To cope with my thoughts feelings and emotions. Because I had never given myself time to find another way.
I often hear people trying to stay sober say ;
“I MISS MY DRINK”
Don’t think for a second I don’t understand. Don’t think I don’t know exactly what you’re going through. Don’t think for a second I didn’t go through exactly what you’re feeling. I am so sorry you are scared and miss drinking and think you have no choice but to stay as you are.
This is hard. Make no bones about it you are flailing about not knowing what you’re doing, one moment determined and the next in ‘F’ it mode. You want to drink but don’t want to drink because you know deep down it’s harming your body and mind. Can we call it a slow suicide? And round and round you go.
You may say being AF may work for others but you doubt it for yourself. That was me too. I doubted it for me too. But I trusted that I hadn’t found HSM by mistake I had found it for a reason and the reason was that I had looked for it and knew that I had to change. So up to now I told myself that I wanted to change but didn’t know how to.
And then I stopped lying to myself
I DID know how to change – Stop drinking. But did I truly WANT to change?
In wanting to change you have to learn to live again. You have to go back to the start when you first started drinking. You have to find out why you drink, what makes you drink and what it gives you that you think you can’t get from anywhere else.
You have to ask yourself why you are so unhappy or lost that you use a drug to make yourself feel different. You have to get to the core of why you use this drug. Only in living your life without the drug and hitting life head on can you answer these questions. No giving in to the reasons you find and using them as a reason to drink.
If you think I’m talking rubbish here are some examples of why I drank :-
Make me happy. Get me through bad times. As a celebration. Because I was making evening meal. Because I’d had a hard day. Because I’d had a good day.Because I’d gone out for a meal. Because I’d gone to the pub/party. Because it was Christmas/ Easter/ Bank Holiday. Because it was Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday. Because it was the Weekend Friday Saturday Sunday. Because I was on holiday. I drank because my dog had died. I drank because my neighbours dog had died.
I made the last one up – but you get my gist 😉
Yes I had to fight in the early days. I had to sulk, cry and feel lost. I had to fight when the triggers to drink came.
I had to find distractions to move my thoughts elsewhere. I read and read posts on Hello Sunday Morning
Like you I missed my drink sooo bad. Because I knew no other way.
If you want this chance -because that’s what it is -you have to fight.
You do not drink whatever happens, there is no other way. I’m sorry about that but there is no other way.
And slowly, very slowly you find another way to live your life.
Stop drinking for me has been worth every bit of fight. In making the decision that I wanted to not drink more than I wanted to drink I found a new healthier life.
I don’t need to fight anymore I just ‘be.’
Because slowly, very slowly I found another way.
Related Post : Four Posts to Help you Stop Drinking Today
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