My obstetrician suggested a small glass or two of wine a day to help me relax while pregnant. That was back in 1998 when the hype about wine being heart-healthy had just begun to pick up momentum. I had read that alcohol could hinder brain development in utero though so there was no way I would take the chance of getting my developing babies buzzed on alcohol. I managed, however, to talk myself into believing that three cigarettes a day was not dangerous. In the case of nicotine withdrawal, I was more willing to accept at the time that breaking my addiction might cause more stress than good.

I knew that I was one of those people who often drank more than I intended so I decided to give up alcohol completely for the nine months that I was pregnant. While I found it pretty easy to give up my wine time for my developing babies, I refused to let go of the nicotine, and because I felt a bit guilty and unsure about that, I began to lie about my smoking. I went so far as to have my husband provide me with my three or four cigarettes a day so that I wouldn’t have to “out” myself as an irresponsible pregnant lady by buying my own. I was so completely committed to lying about giving in to this addiction and “getting away with it” that I somehow talked myself into believing that if no one saw me buy the cigarettes or smoke the cigarettes I wasn’t actually really a smoker.

Once I started pretending not to be a smoker I became very good at hiding my smoking and continued on that way for 17 years. I became an excellent liar I’m afraid. I could NOT smoke in front of people eventually and the guilt and shame associated with doing something I pretended not to do became all tied up with the addiction. When I finally quit smoking about two years ago my 17-year-old daughter told me that she had not smelled it on me since the last time she’d caught me smoking a few years before. I had gotten so good at hiding my guilty secret that even the people I hugged and kissed every day didn’t know I was smoking on the sly.

The problem with lying about addiction is that your relationship with the drug becomes more exciting and more intimate as you get deeper into the lie.

I remember when Lord of the Rings came out 10 odd years ago, sitting on the couch with my supersize glass of wine, having just come in from the garage where I smoked secretly with the door locked, watching Gollum and his ring …

…. I remember exactly where I was sitting, the wine was red, I was curled up with my feet tucked under my butt and I remember watching Gollum thinking…

Lying to yourself and lying to the people you love about the drink or drugs, keeps you down deep in the hole of addiction. When I was ” pretending” not to smoke, and pretending not to open that second bottle of wine a night, the pretending was almost as addictive to my brain as the alcohol and nicotine. Eventually the dopamine hit from the successful lie, from “getting away with it”, becomes almost as powerful as the dopamine hit from the drug.

Hiding away. Me and my bottle. Me and my smokes. My precious.

Honesty with myself and honesty with my family and friends is something that has been coming back little by little over these past four years of sobriety. Gentle waves of growth. Stepping stones toward self-respect self-love and self-realization. And now when I catch myself in that sort of delicious anticipation of “getting away with something” that I know I shouldn’t be doing, I’m able to reign it in pretty quickly.

I retired from a long and illustrious drinking career. That’s where finally growing up began for me. Like Pinocchio, that growth started with learning not to lie.

Today I will not drink.

Join me?

Read More from this Author:

I Am Winged Victory

I’ve Had Enough of Seeing “Mommy’s Wine Time” Glamourized!

More on Dopamine and alcohol

The Dopamine Dance in your Brain

WHO ARE WE?

Online Community Support to Stop Drinking – BOOM!

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