I realised I had to do something about my heavy drinking about 7 years ago. During this time I’ve had some spells of not drinking but nothing that’s lasted longer than 6 months. Every time I stopped I’ve wanted to stay sober for life but have always been tempted back.
I’ve read everything and tried everything.
Once I take a break from drinking for a while I feel ‘better. I feel healthier. So I feel justified having a drink again and the cycle repeats no matter what promises I’ve made to myself or my family. All the reasons I wanted to stop, I forget. I have lists I ignore and just drink without any thought.
I start to drink and I stop Thinking.
I read a post by Mrs P at the beginning of September that I wasn’t happy about at the time. The general theme was taking responsibility for your own bullshit. I thought I wasn’t ready to face what what she was saying but it really hit home. 6 Years Sober : My Last Post ? by MrsP
“I only have one life and as such, I am duty-bound to live it the best way I can not live either hell or purgatory of my own making when I could be creating my own heaven. Because doing otherwise is bullshit aka a slow and painful death by suicide for yourself and the murder of those who love you most who have to sit there and watch you die”
Thinking about taking responsibilty for my own life made me consider how really selfish I have been. I haven’t given myself a hard time about that but it’s made me determined to live a better life now.
Yes there are times the thoughts of drinking come up but I remember I have chosen not to drink anymore and it will pass. It always does.
I’ve also considered this a lot. Going back to drinking is like going back to an abusive partner. You forget the reasons why you left in the first place and think
“Oh it wasn’t really that bad, it will be better this time”
and you give it another chance. But it never gets better, in fact it gets worse each time until you’re in fear of your life.
I’ve decided I need to be brave.
I feel very proud of myself. I’m in control (whatever that means) and leading my life the way I really want to. I feel peaceful as I’m writing this.
So these are my thoughts on my recent experiences.
I’ve probably had a hundred day 1s in the last 7 years but and it has led me to this point in my life. Life is so much better. Don’t give up. Xxx
Be the change you want in your life.
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