“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” Jack Kornfield
I like this quote.
It makes me chuckle to think of how hard I’ve fought to feel better about my past.
How much I’ve wanted to go back and undo what I’ve done.
It has been a long, uphill battle against myself.
In living this way, time & energy were wasted. I recognize that now, but I couldn’t seem to find a way to forgiveness. Especially in the early days of my journey in sobriety.
When I decided that this time I had to choose life or the bottle, and I chose my children, life & being present, I also knew I had chosen to come face to face with the past. For real this time.
To be clear, I’ve gone through the motions: therapy, confession, atonement. However, I never gave myself forgiveness, never really let go of the pain.
What’s different this time?
First, it is coming to the truth that it is in the past.
Done. Can’t go back. Can’t change what has happened. Nothing I can do will make it a “better past.”
Second, and kind of a light-bulb moment for me, is realizing that it was my alchy-brain, Wolfie, Wine Witch, Booze Bastard that was really holding onto the past. By doing so, it was a perfect trigger to get me back to boozing. Back to boozing to erase the memories. Back to boozing to numb the pain. Back to boozing because who do I think I am to deserve a happy alcohol-free life. Fucker.
So I’m not giving that son-of-a-bitch anymore of my life.
The past is the past! Cutting the pupeteer’s strings…
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