I’ve been thinking a lot about control; what it means in relation to my mental health, my behaviors and my drinking. In the past, whenever life felt “out of control” for me, I chose to drink. The anxiety, frustration and fear that bubbled up inside of me when I didn’t have control over things, made me feel powerless and created a very deep urge to just escape. The “buzz”, the slowed reactions and diminished mental abilities that came with drinking, was my safe place. In this state of being, I didn’t need to control anything… I just slipped away to a place of not caring about anything at all.

But of course, I’d wake up the next day, hungover and miserable. The feelings of powerlessness and lack of control would be exponentially heightened because no matter how hard I tried to control my drinking, I couldn’t. How could I expect to control any aspect of my outward life and being, if I couldn’t even control my own behaviors and thoughts?!

This cycle continued for a long time. I played this tug of war game in my mind of desperately wanting control over absolutely everything while also not wanting to HAVE to control or care about anything.

Sobriety showed me this tug of war would never have a winner. Both sides are missing the whole point. It’s about surrendering! It’s about finding this peculiar place in the middle, where we acknowledge and accept we have little control over things in our lives and also complete control over our thoughts, behaviors and reactions.

Surrender and empower.

We can’t control other people. We can’t control whether or not there are natural disasters or global pandemics or heartbreak, disease, pain, suffering.

We only have control over our behaviors, choices and thoughts and we ONLY have that control when we are completely *present, mindful and alert*.

I have found for myself, that once I began to regain that mindfulness and presence, by not drinking, the need to control my outward experience lessened and my ability to control my thoughts and behaviors became much easier.

My ability to control my thoughts and behaviors grows and strengthens with each day of my sobriety.

I found that sweet spot, of feeling in control while also accepting and knowing that I can’t possibly and don’t NEED to have control over everything.

In the midst of all the chaos, fear, pain and suffering going on around us right now… I’m accepting my lack of control BUT I don’t have to feel powerless. I CAN chose how to respond and react. I can control how I treat my body, my mind and my spirit right now. And you can too.

Stay mindful and present. Be HERE right now. Chose to not drink and don’t let anything convince you otherwise.

My current mantra; I let go of my need to control my life. I am HERE right NOW and right NOW, I chose to NOT drink. This choice brings me all the control and power I need.

136 days alcohol-free ❤️❤️❤️

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