Preface

In The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober there are two lines in the short preface that summarize why I wanted to create a book club in our Boom Rethink the Drink Community. The first is when Gray writes about how, in early sobriety, she wrote out her conflicting desires on drinking on secret sober groups online. She says, “After writing, I felt a lot less like drinking.” That’s what keeps so many of us here, right? The feeling that we finally found a place where we could vent and confess and not feel ashamed? Knowing that we could overpower the triggers if we put them here? Learning that there are people who have done the work and say they would do it again and again and again?

I will paraphrase Gray’s last sentence of the preface as to why I am here – it is these spaces that got me, and keep me, joyfully alcohol-free. When I quit drinking, 1,200 days ago, I came to Boom for everything. In my early sobriety, it was the only place I found refuge. And, as sometimes happens, the desire to drink got less suffocating, and I found myself spending less time on Boom. But, I usually get “itchy” after a few months away. I long for the connection and camaraderie. 

So, as our group’s “Preface,” I would love to know a little more about who you are (whatever you are comfortable sharing!) and why you are here.

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

Introduction

On p. 13 of the Introduction to The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, Gray talks about her epiphany:

“unless I quit drinking, I was not going to get the life I wanted.”

I would imagine that, if we are here, we have had one or two epiphanies of our own. 

I remember mine clearly: I was sitting on the couch of my relatively gross apartment. I was recovering from my life nearly blowing up (within two months I got arrested, lost my job, and divorced my husband – my kids were 8 and 2 at the time). I had a new career, and I was in a relationship with a really good person. But things still sucked. I was drinking more than ever, I was sweating constantly, I was always grumpy with my kids, and I was creating senseless conflict with my boyfriend. As I sat in my drinking corner, for the first time ever, I thought: “What if drinking is actually creating some of my problems instead of helping soothe them?” That is the thought-catalyst or epiphany that started my AF journey. 

What was yours? The one that finally got you here?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

I. The Nightcrawling Netherworld

There is so much here to relate to.. jail (yes); “normal drinking rules” (all broken); journal with ideas on how to drink less (always started then thrown away). The normal drinking rules and journal section really made me laugh out loud. I could picture my early morning scribbling… “I will only drink 3 beers tonight, and I will not start until after 5:00.” Then, I would come home at 4:00, rip it out and drink the night away.

I thought the section on ‘Rock Bottom Convincers’ was good, and I’m sure many have things to add there. 

But the part in this section of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober that stood out to me was on p. 55. Gray talks about the thought in her head on a loop – “I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink. I’m drinking, but I still need more to drink.” This really summarizes my last few months drinking. I had always been a pretty heavy drinker, but it just seemed to keep going. I remember feeling a little sickened and surprised that a 6-pack of beer was no longer enough for my evenings. I remember how quickly I emptied the large bottle of vodka I had expected to last months. I remember wanting to know all my daily drinking details all of the time: when could I start? Where would I drink? How much is available? What are the options for more?

DRINK. DRINK. DRINK. It just kept ramping up and up and up in my brain. I started to realize that there would never be enough alcohol for me. That no matter how little or much I had, the only goal was… more.

I really like how Gray tackles so many topics in a section. If you are reading along, what stood out to you in Part I? If not, were there any other “convincers” as Gray calls them for you along the way — in those final couple months or even years of drinking? We’ve talked about our epiphanies or our “last worst time drinking,” but what about the smaller things that added up?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

III. Nature, Rather than Nightclubs

This section of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober tracks Gray’s transformation from Party Girl to Sober Girl – a journey that many of us are on or have completed. She walks us through her realizations, and I could relate to many of them. 

There is also an excellent description of how she learns she is secretly an introvert. Personally, that was one of my greatest discoveries on this journey. I would NEVER have described myself as an introvert for the majority of my life. I wanted to be out among the people: talking, laughing, being the center of attention. I quickly learned that was the alcohol speaking. 

One part that stood out to me was when she mentioned that now she “look(s) into the nightclub world with horror.” I wasn’t a nightclub drinker; I was a happy hour drinker, but I can relate. When I find myself in a bar now, I feel almost dirty. Walking from the fresh air and sunshine into a dark, sticky, and musty place knocks the wind out of me. Watching people sit with glazed expressions talk over top of each other makes me feel empty inside. My former “happiest place on earth” is now a purgatory of sorts. So, I don’t go. 

I also loved her section on sober holidays (or vacations). We have MANY helpful posts on “surviving” sober vacations here on BOOM, but I want to reflect a bit on how (in retrospect) truly awful my drinking vacations were. 

I remember spending 10 days on the gorgeous central coast of California and spending virtually no time outdoors (unless you count outdoor bars/vineyards – I don’t). I remember spending vast amounts of money on alcohol everywhere it was available (on the airplane, at convenience stores on the way to the hotel, at the hotel, at bars/wineries). I remember having to recline my seat in our car during the spectacular drive down the coast because I was afraid I would throw up.

When I returned to California last year, I had the exact opposite experience. I explored trails and sidewalks instead of bars. I relaxed in our accommodations instead of rushing around inventorying the alcohol supply. I breathed in the ocean air.

Like the author, experiencing nature has been one of sobriety’s greatest gifts to me. What about you? If you are reading along, could you relate to her transformation? If you are newly AF, what fears do you hold about losing your Party Girl or Guy status? If you are not reading, what has been your “nature, rather than nightclubs” thus far in your AF journey?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

IV. Being Nicer

If I’m being honest, this section did not immediately hold an appeal for me. I skimmed it and thought, “being AF has changed me in a ton of ways, but ‘being nicer’ isn’t one of them.” I had intended to write a quick post and hope that others took more meaning from it than I did. 

However, as I was getting ready to write, I took another look at the chapter and discovered some things worth talking about:

– GRATITUDE: This is nothing new, but it bears repeating. Basically everyone agrees that “gratitude is life changing.” I try to practice gratitude in different ways, but I could do better. I remember, early in sobriety, reading something that recommended starting your day by repeating “thank” and “you” with each step (likely on your way to the coffee pot or bathroom). Just for the pure gift of being alive. My first few months AF, I truly felt so happy about making it another day that I loved this practice. I might rekindle it….

I like the author’s quick list of everyday things for which she is grateful.  

What’s yours? I will share mine, too.

– BITCHING: Ugh. THIS is an area where I can still improve. Full vulnerability on display: I know I can be bitchy, and it makes me sad. Some of my deepest hurts are times when, as a kid, I got in trouble for making fun of other kids. In my high school awards ceremony, I was voted “Wicked Witch of XXX High School” (I still want to cry for my humiliated teenage self). For a long time, I felt misunderstood. I felt like I was naturally sarcastic and my judgements/criticisms of people shouldn’t be taken so harshly; it was all in good fun. I honestly don’t think the drunk-me was any bitchier than the sober-me. But one of the “gifts” of this journey is the ability to reflect and feel empathy. I was so busy drinking that I didn’t have any time to consider how I impacted those around me. 

So quitting drinking did not stop my proclivity to be mean. But it did give me a clear enough head to consider why I leaned that way (ingrained feelings of not being ‘enough’) and also how it might make people feel (like they are not ‘enough’). So, as I continue to work on loving myself, I continue to make progress in loving and showing kindness to others. I can be pretty certain that if my brain were still totally focused on drinking, I would not be doing this work today. So, maybe my initial reaction about this chapter was wrong.

– DRINKING ME vs SOBER ME from a friend’s perspective: No way, no chance, no how. If you are brave enough to do this and think it would be helpful, please do. For me, I just can’t. I’m too far away from that person, but I remember her very clearly; I don’t need reminders. Maybe earlier this would have been, as Gray says, “a sober-refueling strategy,” but not now, not for me. I don’t have the capacity to know additional things I did to hurt those around me – I already know of so many.

This is also, for me, a huge reason I never considered AA. The dreaded “make amends” step. I knew myself well enough to know that I just wouldn’t do it. There are many, many people in my life with whom I have made amends, but some of the hurt I have caused just can’t be approached in this manner. I have worked (and am working) on those things with myself and my therapist, but there ARE parts of Drinking Me that will stay buried and forgotten. I don’t think I would have ever made it past this step.

But what I might do is to write a letter to myself with a different focus. I would like to write to myself sharing all of the ways I have grown during this journey. If you would like to write one, share it in our comments.

Curious to hear what others thought of this section, or just thoughts in general about the link between being AF and being nice 🙂

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

VI. The Booze-Free Body and Brain

I loved this section. Learning about how the brain works and seeing/feeling the physical changes in my body has been one of the best parts of my AF life. I liked that Gray used expert opinions here (particularly that of Dr. Marc Lewis – I think this was the final push I needed to finally read “The Biology of Desire”…).

The quote from Lewis and Gray’s analysis of it hit home for me. Lewis says, “Dopamine is the fuel of desire, not fun.” And Lewis further states, “Addicts are not having fun anymore. The fun broke long ago.” I feel like those two sentences sum it all up for me. I also think it’s why it is so hard for some people to conceptualize. For those who can use alcohol responsibly, it IS fun. They are not left with that nagging, paralyzing desire for more.

There is a lot of great information in this short chapter, and I would love to read anyone’s thoughts on any part of it, but my question for everyone is simple and mirrors the end of the section: What are your top “physical wins” of quitting? Gray lists ten, and I will put them here for a reference: cheeks; acne; hair; tanning; face; stomach; energy; nails; sleep. What about you? Do you agree with any of these, or can you add to the list?

Mine are easily face and stomach. I really hate looking back at pictures from my last six months or so as a drinker. My face is so bloated and red. It is very easy to see that something was wrong, but I looked in the mirror every day and didn’t notice. And, my stomach is one of the things that got me to Boom. I think my stomach finally overpowered my brain and said, “If you insist on continuing to do this, I’m going to do something about it!” I knew that my bowels were not right, and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It took that very real and physical evidence of internal impact to get me to finally recognize what I was doing to my one and only physical self.

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

VII. Dating & Sex

This was a short section, and admittedly one I did not take many notes on. When I quit drinking, I was already in a secure relationship, so I have no experience being in the dating world as an AF person. If you are in this situation, PLEASE share with us what that’s like.

However, the “sober sex” thing was a big deal to me, and I agree with Gray about a few things here. During my drinking years, I was promiscuous – both before and after my marriage. Drinking allowed me to slip into another persona. One that was wild, carefree, up for anything. And I was heavily drinking at the beginning of the relationship I am still in. So, I was very afraid that my newfound sobriety would bring with it a chastity that would be concerning to my partner.

I found that it wasn’t quite so black and white. One fear was dispelled early – I worried that I wouldn’t be as sexually attractive sober as I had been drunk. It turned out to be the exact opposite. My boyfriend (now husband) found only positives, so that was a relief. I also felt so damn good about myself, that I think my allure increased.

Another fear was that I wouldn’t be as adventurous. That was true, but also not true. I agree with Gray that sobriety increased my inhibitions. It took me a while to come out of the brain fog of my heavy drinking and separate my partner from past sexual relationships. Once I accepted that I had nothing to prove to him and that our sex life was an extension of the respect and trust we shared everywhere else, some of my inhibitions melted away, and it was MUCH better to be intentionally vulnerable in the bedroom than putting on a show. 

Also, I found out that I love cuddling and making out. I used to push these things to the side. I don’t know why… maybe they took too long (i.e. I would rather have drank that wasted time doing these things), or maybe they felt too exposed. Either way, I think sober kissing is one of my favorite discoveries.

One thing that has been harder, and is something I continue to work on, is that being drunk did quiet my internal monologue, which allowed me to be pretty present during sex. Without the numbing effects of alcohol, I find that sometimes, my mind wanders and I am merely going through the motions. As with every other area of my life, mindfulness is something I still have more room for growth.

I know that we all have different comfort levels when it comes to openly discussing sex, but I also know that this can be quite worrisome in the early days of being sober. Also, even though this section deals with “dating,” feel free to share how quitting drinking has affected your romantic relationships regardless of what stage they are in. I’m sure that those of you in long-term relationships have just as much to say about what you wonder about or how being AF has changed the way you interact.

What’s on your mind about how being AF affects dating, relationships, and sex?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

VIIi Rolling with the Punches without Drinking ( subplot- anxiety!)

We are nearing the end of our first BBC, and I will be moving through these last, short sections pretty quickly.

This one, though, is an important topic, and likely one that leads many of us to question our commitment to an AF life.

I can say, with absolute confidence, that I do have a “Life Beyond My Wildest Dreams.” So much so that I sometimes have “imposter syndrome” or find my mind wondering when everything will blow up. And even in sobriety, things blow up. But the difference is, I actually deal with them now.

By almost every measure, my life is unspeakably privileged. (Again, see “imposter syndrome” above.) However, there are also innumerable challenges. Most of them center around being a divorced parent who is remarried to another divorced parent who also works with her new husband. In all of the self-help books I have read, there is not one that focuses on this unique situation. Together, my spouse and I are trying to run a business in a highly competitive, immensely stressful field. Additionally, we are trying to raise three kids who only live with us half-time and with two other parents with whom we have high-conflict relationships. (And one of those children is a 14-year-old girl.)

I do all of the things that I am supposed to do. I work out, I meditate, I practice gratitude, I work on being mindful, I get enough sleep. But recently, I felt completely and totally stuck. My anxiety was at a 10/10, and I felt like I had no control over what I said or how I felt, and I could tell it was having a negative impact on my marriage, my relationship with the kids, and my work.

 At this point, I wasn’t at risk of using alcohol to numb my pain, but I felt very frustrated. I have so much to be thankful for – why can’t I see that and just “roll with the punches”?

So, I decided to go back to therapy, and along with my new therapist, I have decided to go back on an anti-anxiety medication (not like a fast-acting one, but one to hopefully help me long-term). Together, we identified some things that indicate this might be beneficial to help me manage these feelings. 

One of the things we discovered is my “anxiety timeline.” And, I guess this should have been obvious, but it wasn’t. He asked when I first noticed that I might have a concern with my mental health. I admitted that, although I wouldn’t have identified it at the time, I can now say that it would have been early adolescence – like around 12 or so. He then reflected back to me that I started drinking around 14. Yep. He also pointed out that I had been on these anti-anxiety medications in the past, and I agreed, that I had – shortly after the birth of my first daughter. He asked if I drank during my pregnancy. No. Okay, interesting. Then he pointed out that my really bad drinking slide happened after the birth of my second daughter (again, right after a period of not drinking).

So, I could see the correlation. Feel anxious, drink, feel anxious, drink, feel anxious, drink.

Like so many people here, once I quit drinking, my anxiety got SO much better. I felt like a new person. But, now, three years in, it has again become something I am struggling to manage on my own.

I have mixed emotions. There is a part of me that feels frustrated that I cannot feel more stable on my own. There is another part of me that is hopeful that a low-dose SSRI will help me elevate my other practices to continue to make progress on being more present and less overwhelmed. This is not a “pro” medication post – not even close. This is just a “pro” me post. To me, I am taking a big step by admitting I am struggling to manage this on my own. 

What about you? What has been something in your life that you used to manage with alcohol, and what new method(s) might you try instead?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

X. Boozehounds Debunked

We are nearing the end!
This section is short, but has a couple of powerful messages. The first is dispelling the myths associated with “boozehounds.” My favorite is:

MYTH: Sober people are straight-edge cowards

REALITY: Sober people are rebellious non-conformers

Hell yes! Accepting this reality was one of the major turning points in my AF journey. I spent a lot of time in the first year or so feeling like I had lost my edge. I struggled to figure out who I was if I wasn’t the hard-drinking / up-for-anything / drink-you-under-the-table / sneak-in-drinks-everywhere “party-girl.”

Once I lost the fear of being “boring” and embraced that I was still a “badass,” I felt a renewed joy in choosing to live life without alcohol. I now find myself actively telling people that I don’t drink; I am able to listen to people talk about drinking without feeling jealousy or shame; I have a much different picture of myself in my head – a unicorn instead of an ogre!

I also liked the section on “Sober Heroes” – I love to learn about famous people who are actively AF. But I also tread lightly as it can be triggering to learn that a famous sober hero has returned to drinking. One of my long-term sober heroes is Rob Lowe. I first learned about his sobriety 10 years ago when I read his memoir “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” When I read it, I was FAR from considering any aspect of an AF life. The book was hilarious, and he does wonderful impressions of his famous friends in the 1980s in Hollywood, so it was really fun to listen to as an audiobook. But when I finished, what stayed with me was that Lowe was unabashedly sober. At that point in my life, I was still under the illusion that everyone drank and that certainly everyone “cool” drank. It was incredible to me that this guy seemed happy to not drink. I just couldn’t wrap my head around that.

I would love to hear about what “myths” about non-drinkers you want to dispel! And/or, if you have a sober hero, nominate them here!

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here

XI. Choose Your Own Sober Adventure

Thanks to everyone who has joined the conversation! Our next book will be The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley.

But, to close The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, Gray saved the best for last. This final section was beautiful. I could write for days about the contents (and I might use it for future inspiration). For those of you not reading, Gray fills the pages with small musings on a lot of topics. Things like:

Choose your own way…

Choose your own tribe…

Choose not to drink…

Choose your own label…

Choose your own time frame…

She also reveals some of the realities about going alcohol-free:

Sober is 95% exquisite, 5% savage…

Moderation is a mirage…

And then she closes with the beauty. And my favorite part is this – “The Dread Pit – Hope is by far the biggest gift being sober has given me. An unnamed dread sat in the pit of my stomach…It took a few months of sobriety for the dread to depart, but eventually it was replaced by a tiny spark, then a flame, then a blaze of hope for the future.”

Me, too.

What has being AF given to you?

You can join the conversation in our Boom Community Book Club here