Before going sober I often worried about the consequences of drinking too much. I’m approaching 8 months of sobriety – the longest I’ve lived alcohol-free in a solid 20 years! – and I’ve noticed so many changes! The physical ones, of course – but more than anything, the mental and emotional shifts that have slowly come about.
Initially when I quit, it was primarily because my body began to cry out from the daily abuse. Throat and stomach pain, racing heart, and an increasing neuropathy in my fingers and feet were all enough to finally get me to pause the hell-bent destruction and ask myself if maybe, just maybe, I’d like to live past 50!
My anxiety was also through the roof! So much so that I could barely make it through a shopping trip without having a small panic attack – my heart would race, and I was convinced I was headed for a heart attack.
I had constant anxiety over my health because of excessive drinking.. which would loop into a cycle of fear, then drinking to calm the fear, then back to fear because I drank… and so on. I deeply believed I was just one drink away from dying – I just lived like that!
When I think of it now, it sounds absurd!
So, one of the biggest changes that took me by surprise, and took place rather quickly – in fact in the first few weeks of sobriety – was that my crippling anxiety dropped to almost nothing.
I could shop again without panicking, and gradually, I was able to get comfortable with social activities again! The racing heart? Gone. Neuropathy? Gone. Throat and stomach pain… you guessed it – gone!
Overall, physically, emotionally – just wow. The difference! Night and day!
So lately… I’ve had the thought: what if there had been zero consequences to my drinking? What if I’d never had health problems? And what if I hadn’t been paralyzed by anxiety?
What if all there was was the glorious high, with no consequences whatsoever, and I could stay in that liquid haze where life can’t touch me and people can’t hurt me?
Would I still be drinking?
If you’d ask me months ago – I would have said hell yes!! Who wouldn’t want to stay numbed-out in a world that’s gone absolutely mad?! To no longer feel the sting of it all? Oh yes, please! Pick me!
But ask me now and I’d say, as tempting as that might be on my roughest days…
No.
That’s not the way I want to live anymore.
Deep down, it really isn’t.
Sure, I wouldn’t feel all the bad, but also.. I’d be numb to all that is good. No color or vibrancy in this life – just monotone.
That truly sounds awful to me now.
Awful because when color enters your life after decades of gray, you want to hold on to every rich, glittering strand of it.
It is so welcomed, so refreshing – it’s like throwing open the windows of a stuffy old house to the first cool breeze of Spring! Standing at the threshold and breathing in deeply – filling your lungs with clean air, the scent of rain, the sweetness of flowers and new grass…
Sobriety allows me to breathe in every bit of life and all it’s beauty. For once, I’m not holding it all at bay – I’m embracing it!
Well, what about the horrible days? What about the hurts, or marriage difficulties, or past trauma, or you name it?
It’s all still there.
Simply removing alcohol wasn’t the magic cure for all my woes. In fact, sobriety actually shines quite a light on the many (many!) things I need to work through!
When I was drinking, everything was the end of the world, until the next end of the world! I was constantly whipped about by the smallest inconveniences or what I perceived as slights from other people. My booze brain viewed even the tiniest hiccup during the day as catastrophic.
I was never peaceful.
The difference now.. I can finally deal with it all with a clarity and patience I never had while drinking. I’m handling life as it comes, with a clear head and the ability to place the correct importance upon things – instead of always reacting and lashing out at things as they bombard me.
A life filled with booze truly is a life of reactivity. It’s shadowboxing. Swinging away at whatever moves – expending energy on an illusion.
Sobriety, on the other hand, is proactive. It’s taking the wheel. It’s steering your own ship again – choosing your destination and enjoying your ride on the waves, whatever may come. A clear map, a sound vessel, and the ability to shift course when waters get rough.
I’m now in control of myself – like an actual adult is supposed to be! Believe me, this is a new concept – and as pathetic as that is at 48 years old – it’s where I’m at, and I’m so thankful to have finally learned it! But I never could have learned it had I not worked on sobriety first.
So I guess I’ve answered my own question. If there were no physical or emotional consequences to drinking and I could just stay numb each day – would I do it?
Honestly. No.
I want to be here – I mean, really present. I want brilliant colors to dapple every corner of my world. I want to let fresh air in. I want to let people in. I want to absorb the loveliness around me. Laugh from the very core of me. Feel every touch. Know that I’ve done my best each day.
And yes, even sit with the hurts and learn to work through them.
But maybe, most of all, finally forgive.
Forgive others… but also forgive myself.
Good or bad, I don’t want to miss a moment – because that’s truly living. It’s beautiful humanity.
It’s not just surviving – it’s thriving!
So… if you’re struggling – please know and believe that it can and does get better!
(I used to roll my eyes at statements like that and think, “yeah, you don’t know me or what I’ve been through…”)
Well, that’s true.
Every one of us has a story – and many of those stories are wrought with pain, loss, abuse, disappointments, and horrible decisions.
No, I don’t claim to know you or what you’ve endured – what you are facing right now – or how hurt you may be from how you’ve been treated in this world. I don’t claim to know completely. I just know my own story – and I know that if you give alcohol a rest for awhile, you will start to see a difference. And if you keep on the sober path, you just might rediscover the life you had before booze – or the one you once dreamed of having, but could never quite reach while you had a bottle in hand.
So, if you’ve never tried sober living – don’t wait – begin today! Or if you’ve tried to get sober before but could never get it to stick – try again – and never quit trying to quit!
And to my friends who’ve had months or years of sobriety but who may have recently slipped back into old ways – get up, dust off, and move forward! Your progress is not lost and you can do this!
Soon it will be a new year with a million possibilities. Take that next step and try life without the booze buffer. Allow the light to shine in again. Allow it to warm your shoulders. Your story isn’t finished yet – don’t let a bottle write the remaining chapters!
MORE FROM THIS AUTHOR
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