Long term success with sobriety is something that can be daunting. I’ll be 5 years sober this month and so I have been reflecting a lot lately about my sobriety and why this time, after many previous stops and starts, sober has finally stuck. I can reduce it to the YinYang of power vs powerlessness, and acknowledging rainbows after the storm.

YinYang can mean different things to different people so let’s start with a simple definition of YinYang from Wikipedia :

Powerlesness vs Power

I have no power over the effects that alcohol has over me.

I know that sounds like the dreaded first step of the 12 steps of AA! But let me explain what it means to me to admit I am powerless over alcohol.

In understanding my powerlessness I gain power!

I once was a “one and done” kind of girl

I had to put my ego aside and admit that I wasn’t a one and done kinda girl anymore. Something had changed in my brain chemistry and no matter how I tried to go back to being the one and done girl, she was gone . If I drank “just one” alcohol would take over my brain and “one” became the bottom of the bottle. Then like they say “the shit hit the fan”!

I am powerless if I drink.

I became loud and obnoxious. I would rage at people who hurt me or at perceived hurts. I would not be present for my family and not be on my top game professionally. I would become depressed, anxious, and sad beyond reason. My liver enzymes were also up and my brain power was down. I would get horrendous headaches and have bathroom experiences that are not polite to talk about!

I had to put my pride and ego aside and admit alcohol was destroying me.

NOW HERE IS THE YANG TO THE YIN!

I HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE NOT TO DRINK !

If I don’t drink, then alcohol no longer has power over me.

I AM NOT POWERLESS !!

Alcohol was a dark storm cloud in my life, but learning to live without alcohol was a stormy ride as well. I can truly say the major storms of living in that cloud are in my past. A special alcohol free rainbow just for me shines everyday, as long as I continue to choose not to drink .

Yes, it is a daily choice, power over powerlessness, because still after 5 years sober, the storm clouds can, on occasion, trigger me. But I no longer react to those triggers as long as I remember a few things. I can choose the storm, or I can choose the rainbow.

Five things I’ve learned in five years sober:

1. I learned that I really need to take care of myself. It’s nobody’s responsibility to care for me but me. I alone know what’s best for me and I need to do it. I need to put my needs at the top of the priority list, not the bottom, where they are forgotten about.

I now take care of myself by setting limits on what I will and will not do. I have learned not to take on problems that aren’t mine to fix. It is really difficult sometimes to keep these boundaries and it has cost me in some of my family relationships. More importantly, however, it has kept me from feeling I need to “fix it for everyone,” which in turn was a huge trigger.

Being upset with myself because I can’t “fix it”, then being resented by family for trying to fix it all caused great stress and sadness, which triggered me to escape into the darkness of alcohol.

2. When I am stressed and storm clouds threaten to steal my sober rainbow, I STOP and go through my “HALT” routine. I am getting better at naming my feelings and identifying the cause, which in turn allows me to choose a healthier response than the booze storm.

3. I have accepted that my overactive brain is a huge trigger for me! It never shuts down. I used to party with the wine witch to shut my brain down so I could just rest and not think for a little while! It cost me dearly in blackouts and brain-killing headaches! Worst of all, instead of just being in a relaxed bliss, I would be filled with anger and rage and become very depressed.

I know if I started drinking again, this deep-seated anger and depression would once again explode. I still need to explore this dark side of me, but for now, I know as long as I don’t drink, I can someday figure it out.

I have learned that sometimes it’s best to stop, rest and just walk away from something that is causing stress. It’s actually kinda fun to just say “ NOT MY PROBLEM “ or I WILL WORK ON A SOLUTION WHEN I FEEL MORE RESTED AND IN CONTROL “ so  LET IT GO!    I need to do that more often !

4. I have learned that it helps to get out of my head by helping others in need. It gives me gratitude for what I have and joy for what I gave away .

5. I’m learning to revel in my relationship with my spiritual side. Life gets really difficult at times, and sometimes we need to lean on a greater power than our own. Maybe let that power be a sense of gratitude or generosity. Universal love.

For anyone working hard to hang onto the sober rope remember you are in the middle of a huge storm and your own personal beautiful sober rainbow is waiting just for you! It doesn’t matter how many times you stumble because each stumble is a different lesson on NOT what to do. Learn your triggers and have a plan on how to deal with the trigger without booze.

Never give up trying because we all get the sober rainbow when we stand back up and never give up !!

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More by this author

FALLING INTO DARKNESS TO FIND THE LIGHT – Slipping but Not Sliding in my 3rd Year Sober

Who am I and what is next ? – Embracing Empathy in my Third Sober Year

More Perspective from 5 Years Sober

Musings from Five Years Alcohol-Free – Understanding WHY I Drank

How I Did 5 years Alcohol-Free

5 Years Sober a Journey to Serenity

Empowered to Be Alcohol-Free and Rebranding Sobriety

WHO ARE WE?

Online Community Support to Stop Drinking – BOOM!

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