When I stopped drinking almost 5 years ago with the help of this online community, I hoped that staying sober would be like turning a light switch. One day, I was a problem drinker living in the shadow of shame, and the next day, having accepted that I needed to stop drinking and deciding that it was time, I would simply walk into the light of comfortably living alcohol-free! But acceptance and deciding were just the first steps in the dance.

In this long dance of growth to self-awareness, one thing that I have thought heavily about is the role that both nature and nurture have played in my drinking life. 

Musings were my First Step to Stop Drinking

For me, drinking is in my blood. Every single member of my adult family that I have met has, or does, drink, and a lot of them drink to excess. My maternal grandparents quit drinking before I was born. My paternal grandparents quit drinking late in life due to health conditions. Both of my parents still drink: my mom infrequently and responsibly as she has aged; my dad drinks regularly and often too much. Growing up, drinking was accepted and even encouraged. We didn’t even wait until the legal drinking age – once we were officially “out of the house,” drinking was the norm. We had a running family joke that we didn’t trust people who don’t drink. 

While there isn’t really anything we can do about our genetics, we can explore our past and acknowledge our role in the pull alcohol has over future generations of our friends and families.

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Acceptance is Key to Opening Your Mind to Change

I have to accept the environment in which I grew up and in which I once lived as a drinker. I cannot go back in time and wish I experienced something different or had done something differently. For me, acceptance has been a huge part of my path to sobriety. Blame and shame have not been productive paths for me. “It was what it was” and “what happened is now history” have been mantras I have had to repeat in order to stop my brain from cycling through anger, resentment, embarrassment, and guilt.

There isn’t anything I can do about the lineage of alcohol abuse in my family, but what I can do is reflect on and acknowledge the role my genetics and upbringing had on my decisions to use alcohol, and my eventual dependence on it. There is a lot we cannot control. But once we decide to take a new path – genetics and past be damned! We must breathe through it, and maybe get therapy and take long walks.

We can see what we can control – our current environment.

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Opening your mind to change is the first step but …

How do You Succeed at Not Drinking?

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Nurture Yourself With an Alcohol-Free Environment

For me, nurturing a better life for myself started with not being around alcohol. I had to change the way I lived in the world. I had to not have any in the house; I had to not go anywhere it was.

I lived alone with my daughters and had complete control over what I did and with whom. But not being around alcohol meant cutting some social ties (most of which turned permanent) and stepping away from family for a while (this was temporary).

I had to be totally honest with myself and my partner. I had to be clear that while our relationship was important, my life was going to change. I told him that I didn’t expect his to, but it would be far easier for us to grow together if I at least had his support. I will forever be grateful that he chose to come along on this beautiful journey with me.

I chose grocery stores where the liquor section was physically separated from the food – grocery delivery which is now widely available would have been another option.

If you have roadblocks that prevent you from taking control of your environment, there are still things you can do.

Acknowledge your Boundaries

If you live with someone who drinks, you can ask for support. Whether it is for them to quit completely or for a specific time period, or for them to drink outside the home, or even for them to move the alcohol to less visible space. If they are unwilling to adjust you may find that for a while at least, you simply are not together in the same part of the house when they are drinking.

Remember that Your Boundaries are defined by you

Something as simple as excusing yourself to go read while your partner drinks in the lounge in front of the television, may be all you need to do to make your new alcohol-free routine workable for you.

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more thoughts – How do You Stop Drinking and Stay Sober with a Partner Who Drinks?

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If your job requires you to be around alcohol, you could start looking for another career, explain to the HR personnel, or make adjustments. I had to go on a work trip six weeks into my sobriety. Prior to this, I was the life of the party, and many co-workers commented that they were looking forward to having drinks with me. I told everyone that I was training for a race, and was abstaining so I could be in top physical condition. I white-knuckled it through the required social events, and then retired early to my hotel room to binge on the Boom app and relax.

In our community we are quite good at coming up with excuses for not drinking in your early days, so if you need one – just ask! 

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read more from inside our private community here –

The Loo Club

read more on our public blog here –

How Do You Tell People You Are Not Drinking?

Tackle Business Trips Alcohol-Free

An Open Letter to my Drinking Colleagues, With Love

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Change Your Environment According to Your Triggers

An important step to stop drinking and stay sober is knowing your triggers. For me, those triggers were “happy hour” (right after work) and weekends.

I started making hard plans to do things during these times that did not involve drinking (and that I did not associate with drinking). I went to yoga class, I signed up for a sound bath, I read copious amounts of books, and to keep my hands and mouth busy when I was at home, I treated myself with whatever AF drinks and snacks sounded good.

I only went to restaurants that did not serve alcohol.

If I wanted to see a friend, I suggested breakfast or coffee or a walk. 

Caring for two young kids on my own was also a trigger. And this was one part of my environment that I could not (and did not want to) change.

I had to get creative here and drill down into what my true triggers were. One was whining and complaining. For that, I decided that my ears would not hear whines or complaints. I just ignored them. “I can’t hear whining,” became a phrase they got so tired of hearing that they eventually learned that to get my attention, they would need to change their tone. It wasn’t perfect, of course, but it was a strategy that I could use and be consistent with.

The other was at the end of the night. I was tired, they were tired, there were two of them, and only one of me. They needed baths (separately), and wanted bedtime stories (separately), bedtime songs (separately), and bedtime cuddles (separately); and I just wanted to be alone. It was through a Boom post that I learned a strategy. I started taking my own bath (complete with bubbles and a book and an AF drink) before I started their routine. I used Epsom salts to further my relaxation. I was better able to handle their bedtime routines after I completed one of my own.

Eventually, some of these environmental restrictions loosened or changed, but some of them remain.

What does it feel like to stay sober?

I can now comfortably be somewhere where people are drinking. I no longer need excuses (I proudly announce that “I don’t drink”). I rarely take a bath myself before getting the kids ready for bed. However, I am still uncomfortable with alcohol lingering around my home. I am fine if people drink over here, but I prefer them to take their leftovers with them. I do not like looking at a beer can or bottle of liquor when going about my daily, AF life. (And we put a mini-fridge in the basement so my partner can have a couple of beers around when he wants, and I don’t have to look at them.) I don’t socialize with about 80% of the people I used to. I miss some of them, but I know that our friendships revolved around a similar interest which I no longer share. (I also realized that in most of these, I was always the one making the plans, so when I stopped suggesting we “get together for drinks,” the relationships faded away.)

Stress has always been the worst trigger, and it is now the only time I notice the fluttering “I could drink” thought in my subconscious. For this, I learned a simple, but for me, effective trick.

When I am feeling overwhelmed, and “on the verge,” I stop and ask myself, “What is one thing I could do RIGHT NOW to make myself feel a tiny bit better?” When I am sick and tired of work spreadsheets, but have to make a deadline: could I play some relaxing music while I work? When I am fed up with my teenage daughter’s attitude: could I go for a quick walk around the block to get a break? When I see the piles of laundry and dirty dishes stacking up: could I go downstairs to do 10 minutes of yoga before starting? When the juggling of three kids and co-parents and family expectations makes me want to scream: could I ask my partner for a hug? These quick-relief actions give me a sense of control over my environment and give me an alternative to: could I open a beer?

I encourage you to brainstorm 5-10 things that you could do at any time in any place that might help you clear your head and bring you some relief.

If you are considering quitting, or you have quit but are struggling to fully commit to stop drinking, I challenge you this month to gain awareness from your past to control your present which could change your future. Join me in the dance!

Make a list of what around you is getting in your way and think about how you can modify it. There is a spectrum of extreme to minimal – I chose the extreme, and it worked for me. However, we here at Boom know that there is no “one way” to stop drinking and stay sober. There are members here who refuse to empty their house of alcohol because they need to prove to themselves they can overpower those triggers. There are members who work in the food and beverage industry who make a living off alcohol sales. There are members who found non-alcoholic beers were a way to keep them part of their social circle without compromising their sobriety. 

But I am guessing that all of us who are here have at least one thing you are consciously doing that helps bring awareness to your choice to not drink. If you are joining me in being alcohol-free today, I would love to hear what part of your environment you have worked to control to help you through the day or month or year.

Will you join me?

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