Don't Eat The Marshmallow - Thoughts on Taking Back Your Power

Today I was thinking about how powerless I felt when I was drinking.

I think I have felt powerless for most of my life. As a child, I had no control over anything. We moved constantly, sometimes in the middle of the night because the rent was not paid. I went to bed not knowing if I would live in the same place or go to the same school the next day. Things that were important to me were often left behind or lost. This included a piano that was too heavy to move, pets, friends, and once, my bed.

I married an abusive man at 18 and had children. Nothing was my own. I was property in his mind.

This set me up to believe that I didn’t deserve to be happy, have my own space, do what I wanted to do for a few minutes each day, care for myself, or have things I didn’t have to share.

If I did any of these things, it was selfish. I was taking something away from the people that were important. I was not important.

My drinking wasn’t a problem until later in life. I wasn’t powerless over alcohol. I felt powerless from the start. That feeling of powerlessness is part of why I drank. I thought wine at the end of the day was the only thing I had to look forward to in an otherwise dreary life.

Nobody noticed me unless they were out of clean underwear or dinner wasn’t on time.

One day, I decided that I wanted my life back. Did I have a life in the first place? Who is that bloated old woman in the mirror? How the hell did I let myself get like this?

I quit drinking. Day by day, one day at a time, I got stronger. I wasn’t powerless! Alcohol was keeping me in a powerless state by taking away the energy I needed to be an assertive, autonomous person.

I told my husband to stop bringing me wine. It’s not a substitute for a relationship of equals.

I told my daughter to quit bringing a bottle of wine as payment for a week’s worth of pay. I don’t work that cheap.

That first year was not fun for the family once I decided that the word no was not profanity. ( phrases like ” fuck no” and ‘fuck that noise ‘ are profane but effective)

The second year, once they figured out that I really wasn’t going to give in, the blowback died down.

This past year, I made it clear that they need to take care of themselves. Last week, I told my daughter to clean up after herself. I don’t babysit for adults.

I made food for my granddaughter. If you’re over the age of 10 and can’t make a sandwich or put milk on cereal, you are too stupid to live. Darwin was right. I let natural selection take its course for the adults in the house.

Today I realized that by taking back my power, I am not being selfish. I am empowering those around me to have the pride and satisfaction of doing things for themselves.

When I set boundaries, I am showing others that I respect myself and respect their boundaries. I am showing my granddaughter healthy boundaries. She is learning that her personal space, belongings, and privacy are important because my personal space, belongings, and privacy is important. I am showing my daughter that she can survive and not take abuse from a partner. I am showing my son that a sober life isn’t boring.

Take your power back. Don’t let alcohol take it from you. You are not powerless over alcohol. Alcohol is lying to you. You have power every time you choose yourself over alcohol. You gain power every time you choose your physical and mental health over alcohol or negative people.

What are you going to do today to take your power back?

Everyone’s sober journey is different.

People drink for different reasons. Some drink to self-medicate mental health issues. Some start out as social drinkers and end up in a cycle of gray-area drinking or even full-blown addiction. Others have experienced trauma and abuse. Some never learned different ways to cope with emotions because drinking was the way their parents handled strong emotions.

People quit for different reasons. Some are told to stop drinking or they will die soon by their doctors. Maybe their job and relationships are in jeopardy or they end up in the legal system because of drinking and driving or fighting. Others want a healthier lifestyle or see where continuing to drink will lead in the future.

In the beginning of any sober journey, there is a plethora of advice on how to get sober and stay that way.

The quit lit, ads for rehab facilities, podcasts, testimonials, online support groups, and in-person groups like Alcoholics Anonymous are everywhere.

The bottom line is that there is no one-size-fits-all way to stop drinking. You have to sort through all of the information and decide what works for you.

If you try something and it doesn’t work or it seems like complete bullshit, keep trying until you find what works with your personality, situation, and values.

Do whatever it takes!

For me, AA wasn’t going to work. I am a feminist. I am not powerless. I refuse to label myself as an alcoholic. I am a bit of a rebel.

Some of the podcasts and sober gurus seemed a bit touchy- feely for me. My inner child is a foul-mouthed, scabby- kneed little badass with a chipped front tooth and an attitude. She doesn’t need affirmation and praise.

Yoga? Are you kidding me? I like to feel the wind in my hair. My idea of fun is well, not that.

Meditation? 😆 🤣 😂 You have to sit still for that.

Christianity? Jesus isn’t a babysitter. Then there’s the femininist thing.

I decided to do whatever it takes to stay sober on my own terms. The things I do may not work for anyone else. They might seem quirky to others, but they work for me.

Do whatever it takes for YOU to quit and protect YOUR quit. It doesn’t have to fit a certain philosophy. It doesn’t have to be what works for millions of other people. Your way to an AF life doesn’t have to look cool or please other people. It just has to work for you.

Whatever it takes! Take back YOUR Power

Don’t Eat the Marshmallow !

What?

In 1972, when it was apparently acceptable to do experiments on children, then track them throughout their lives, 600 children, aged 4-6, participated in an experiment wherein a marshmallow was set before before them.

The children were told that if they could wait 5 minutes and not eat the marshmallow, they would be given a second marshmallow.

Allegedly, the children who did not eat the marshmallow during the designated time and waited to receive the second marshmallow had more financial success, higher SAT scores, healthier body mass index, less likelihood of substance abuse, and little likelihood of ending up in prison.

There is even a book called Don’t Eat the Marshmallow Yet. Yes, that’s right, somebody has taken this outdated study and built an entire philosophy out of it.

When I was that age, I would have had lots of questions for the purveyors of this nonsense in the name of science, starting with, ” Why am I sitting next to a kid stuffing a marshmallow up his nose when I could be outside playing?”

Other questions would include, Why the hell would I want two marshmallows when I don’t like marshmallows in the first place?”

About the time I muttered, “This is horse shit.” under my breath and threw a marshmallow at the adult explaining the whole concept of waiting on something I didn’t want to get something else I didn’t want in a condescending monotone, I would have been removed from the room and my mother would have picked me up.

On the way home, she would have demanded to know why the hell I couldn’t be more like my sister, who would have quietly waited for the fucking marshmallow and where I learned to swear like that. She would have made sure to remind me that my hair was always tangled, my manners were terrible, and I would not marry well. (She got the part about not marrying well right. My table manners have improved)

I would have said, ” I didn’t eat the marshmallow. I thought that was the point. “

My mother actually did receive a note from the kindergarten teacher stating that if I didn’t straighten up and fly right, I would be expelled. She framed it and brought it to everyone’s attention that entered our home. First grade didn’t go much better. I figured I had nothing to lose for the next 12 years. The handwriting was on the wall- literally.

I digress. Back to marshmallows.

I refuse to believe that whether or not somebody is able to wait for a marshmallow in preschool or the first grade determined their destiny.

What about the kid that scams all of the other kids out of their marshmallows? What about the child who sees that another child is hungry and gives them their marshmallow? What about the little leader that convinces the others to throw their marshmallows and yell, ” We are not lab rats!”? What if somebody doesn’t eat the marshmallow because they have a suspicious nature?

Of all of the participants in this study, I wonder if there is a 56 y.o. woman in New Jersey with 100 cats and a giant hoard of marshmallows, including the ones from the 1972 study.

I wonder if these researchers visited the guy that ended up in prison and said, ” We knew you would steal cars and sell drugs the minute you swallowed that marshmallow whole in the first 5 seconds. We brought you a bag of marshmallows. Maybe you can sell them for cigarettes. “

What if somebody learns from their mistake and never eats another marshmallow? That’s the big question. Does it really matter what happened in the past as long as that person doesn’t eat the marshmallow now?

Let’s forgive ourselves for the past. It doesn’t determine our future. Please join me marshmallow , I mean, alcohol- free.

By the way, if you were the kid that stuffed their marshmallow up your nose instead of eating it and you’re still stuffing marshmallows up your nose as an adult, you are very special, but you missed the point.