600 Days Sober!

I have spent over 600 days with zero alcohol in my body and mind, and I feel so FREE! It does surprise me, though, that even at 600 days sober, I still have strong euphoric recall. Bouts of grief still pop up and make me rethink everything about living life alcohol-free, but I have come a long way and only see it getting easier from here. I let myself feel the difficult feelings now, and as I let myself feel them, they dissolve a little more each time.

At 600 days sober, it is still hard to watch people I care about get so excited about drinking, as if it’s the most epic thing in the world. That used to be me. Drinking for me was, however, the most epically BAD thing in my life. Eventually, alcohol hurt me and others enough that I had to stop. I always need to remember the reality of who I was when drinking. I need always to remember that alcohol provides a short-lived fake euphoria that only causes mental and physical health issues.

I need to always remember this

About 15 years ago, I was drunk and angry. My friends were walking away from me to take a break. I can’t even remember exactly what happened to get us to that point. Irrational alcohol fueled behavior, I’m sure.

I chased after them. I remember taking a liquor bottle out of one of my friends ‘ hands and smashing it on the road and saying, “Maybe drinking causes all this, maybe none of us should ever drink again!”

Years later, I finally took my own advice. However, I have learned that this is a journey I must take for myself, knowing that they may never follow. This is a quote that I read somewhere and added to my journal. I’m not sure where I read it, but it describes exactly what I feel about my choice to live alcohol-free.

“The personal journey we choose to undertake, is not to prove something to others, but to unleash something latent within us that is crying out to be known. Our resulting discoveries and ultimate transformation is ours to behold. There is great reward in that.”

How does it feel to be 600 days sober?

I used to get excited about drinking, but now I’m excited about LIFE!

Over these past 600 days sober, I have found joy in the simple, natural world. Journaling, reading, walking, spending time solo, spending time with my family, doing daily “boring” chores, and traveling. Not drinking has caused me to reevaluate our financial life as well as my nutritional habits. I have a little budget book for each. I track my food intake, and I keep a record of my expenses. I am much more secure in my financial future and my health. What could be better than THAT!

I buy myself flowers every week with money I’ve saved from not drinking.

I still try to attend concerts and live music, but I’ve realized I don’t love it as much as I thought I did—loud music, very crowded spaces, drunk people, and uncomfortable seats. I’ll still go with my husband occasionally, but I don’t have as much fun or calm as I do when I walk in nature.

How did I make it to 600 days sober?

It’s all about boundaries.

At the beginning, when I first went sober, I asked my husband to help me by not drinking in the house, except for holidays. I was afraid that I was cutting off his freedom, holding him back from being his authentic self, but eventually, after about eight months of this new routine, he reassured me that he was happy with how things were now. That he knew we needed it. He said he loves that he is healing his body by drinking so much less.

He does get excited to go out for a little social life with drinking in the mix. I used to feel anxiety about him going out alone. I know who I am now and realize that it no longer serves me.

I’ve had to set some boundaries, which might be making others unhappy (I’m a people pleaser). I’m standing my ground for who I am and what I need. Drunk family members are annoying, selfish, and harming themselves. It affects me. They affect me for days after they drink. I have instilled a no-drinking rule in my sanctuary, my home. Lots of boundaries and I ain’t scared to lay them down!

Sticking to boundaries is hard sometimes.

Sometimes boundaries make me feel shut out.

I have been triggered emotionally after seeing photos of friends having a “girls’ night out”. I was jealous because it made me realize I probably won’t be involved in this kind of night out anymore. The kind of “girls’ night out” with dinner, drinks, and dancing. I had some challenging emotions for a while, but then I thought of the reality and consequences of evenings like this for me …. forgotten conversations, getting so drunk and tired, and then the night is over, then hangovers.

Plus, honestly, I know myself better now, and spending that much time with people these days would be quite a chore for this introvert.

I’m happy for them to get out. I felt a strong FOMO at first, but then realized that is the old me…new me doesn’t drink all night, doesn’t dance in a bar late at night. That was definitely 20-30-year-old me…but now I’m different and That’s O.K.! I’m all for youthful ways at age of 45, but not the sloppy drunken ones!

It took me almost a year to feel this contentment. It’s not like it magically happened out of nowhere. (Lots of journaling). It’s giving me the momentum to keep going. It’s making me wonder how staying on this journey could be even more beneficial to my life.

I have to struggle with all the thoughts that flood me daily. According to scientists, we have 12,000-60,000 thoughts per day of which 80% are negative. I’m busy trying to wade through all of that. Journaling, meditating, diet, and exercise are my antidotes for that, but it’s not a cure-all for the human condition.

I somehow dug myself out of those negative thoughts by reminding myself I am not a helpless victim of life. I have the freedom and power to change my outlook and the outcome of my current situation.

No one is holding me back but myself.

I can choose to set boundaries and make time for my art by letting my family know that I won’t be available during a specific time period.

I can take breaks away from the house when I’m feeling the need for solitude.

I can make progress by doing a little at a time.

I can be kind to myself by taking unnecessary pressures off of myself. All things will get done in time. I can ask for help. I can rest and wait for the motivation to come.

All of this is more possible by staying sober.

I stay on this path by playing it forward and remembering my WHY.

• I don’t want hangovers.
• I don’t want irrational fights.
• I want to be there to help my family.
• I want to be the best person I can be.

One of the hardest things I’m still dealing with is the loss of some friendships. I know alcohol has played a part in the decisions I’ve made and the mindsets I’ve had. I have actual amends to make, but not until the time is right and I’m ready. I cannot beat myself up every day! I will try damn hard to stop the self defeating chit chat that won’t leave me. I need to have some compassion for myself. We all make mistakes, every last one of us. I think I’m finally getting to the point where I can forgive myself. I can’t go back and change things, but choosing to be alcohol free can be a living amends. I’ve been working so hard at being a better human being that I think I actually am a good human being now!

I have been trying to keep my side of the street clean. Not perfect, but who is? I’m so grateful for going through certain experiences without alcohol in my life. Every experience causes emotions. Relish the good times. Protect yourself in the hard times.I know living this way has made me make positive choices for me and my family.

My relationships are better. My husband has been unbelievably supportive. We are changing and evolving into a new version of us. The kids know that I’m not drinking. I hope to be an inspiration for my teens. I hope to show them what alcohol free holidays, events, and vacations look like.

I’ve gained some emotional sobriety. I’ve learned that I can still get very emotional even without irrational alcohol helping. Now I see through to the real matter, such as being sensitive to why people behave the way they do, and how I can better respond to it.

Finally, what was my most important tool in reaching 600 days sober?

BOOM! The Boom Rethink the Drink Community.

In my first year sober, I calculated that I probably opened Boom over 2,000 times! And in each opening, I probably read at least five posts or more. That’s at least 10,000 posts! Ten thousand posts from everyone pouring their hearts out about not wanting to drink, about how alcohol is/was negatively affecting them, about how their life is better without alcohol. I also read a lot of Boozemusings posts on Boom and books that people suggested. Without all the advice and knowledge, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

I have received so much kind and genuine support from this group! This group is like no other! I am eternally grateful for having somehow stumbled upon it.

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