I never Imagined that Quitting Alcohol Would Bring so Much Light to my Life!
I don’t know exactly when I began to think about my drinking, but it was a long time ago. By thinking about my drinking, I mean thinking it was a problem.
I certainly thought about it when I drove home from a night of partying and knew I was drunk and needed to be careful to not draw attention to my driving…not too fast…not too slow. Stay in my lane (but did I?). How did I make it all those years (we’re talking decades here) without getting pulled over? Was I that good a drunk driver? (of course not…I was very lucky). But it didn’t make me think my drinking was a problem. And the hangovers…headache, nausea, feeling weak and shaky. Yes (I told myself), I had too much to drink, but I never thought it was enough of a problem that I should change my habits (or God forbid, stop drinking).
All my friends and colleagues seemed to drink the same way. This was weekend and holiday drinking through my college, medical school, residency training years, and two years in Army. It wasn’t a daily thing, so of course, it wasn’t a problem (or was it?).
I went through high school without drinking, even though for most of my senior year I was 18 years old and could legally buy beer. My closest friends drank, but I chose not to, mostly because my dad had a drinking problem. But following HS, I had twelve more years of rigorous training (plus those two Army years), before I settled down and had a real job. I had heavy course loads and laboratories while my friends were goofing off. Residency training was basically 36 hours “on” and 12 hours off. So I worked hard and partied hard. Weekend drunks and hangovers.
But I never considered that I had a drinking problem.
Over the years, the hard weekend partying did diminish, the hangovers became fewer and farther between, but somewhere along the way, the drinking eased into more and more of a daily routine. A drink or two a few days a week until, years down the road it was three or four drinks every night. There were almost never hangovers, and I never drank before five o’clock, and I didn’t think I had a drinking problem for a long time.
So when did the light come on?
There was no epiphany, though with a little self examination, there should have been one years before. Just little reminders that (maybe) there was a problem. Like completing my doctor’s questionnaire and answering how much I drank (“social drinker”, of course). Or being more aware of drinking and driving (but not aware enough to never do it). Or realizing I was trying not to slur my words when talking with my adult children. Or realizing I needed to get a head start on drinking when going to dinner at a friend’s home because they might not have an open bar. Or falling asleep most every night after dinner while trying to stay awake for a movie or show.
How do we become so unaware of what alcohol is doing to us? Maybe it is because alcohol is so ingrained in our culture, so accepted and even expected at most functions. Because it is legal and glamorized, we tend to not think of it as a drug. And if we are highly functional, we separate ourselves from the classic drunk or alcoholic, because we go to work every day, we don’t (yet) have alcohol related sickness, our friends and family (mostly) don’t think we have a drinking problem. We do not see the big lie and we are in deep denial that we are being controlled by a highly addictive and toxic drug.
And when we do realize we are in alcohol’s clutches, we find that we cannot just walk away from it, and most of us don’t know how or where to find help.
When I look back on my drinking career, I am appalled that it took me so long to see what was happening. But I am most grateful for finding my help on Boom, where there was exactly the kind of peer support and information that I needed. I consider myself highly motivated, and that made it considerably easier for me to arrive at the conclusion that am far better off being alcohol free than trying to become a moderate drinker. Of course I tried moderation, and every time it quickly became clear that I was headed back to my long time pattern of daily drinking. You do not have to be a genius to see what is happening. But you have to be motivated and committed to stop trying that idea. And I quickly learned that I can participate in anything I want to without a need for a drink. And you certainly don’t need a medical degree to understand that alcohol is a toxic drug.
And we now know that even small amounts of alcohol (as little as one drink per day) reduce life expectancy, and at two drinks we’re considered heavy drinkers (and more years lost). Alcohol related deaths in Americans over 65 have increased dramatically over the past 10-15 years and continue to rise (per CDC data). Just as women are more susceptible to the effects of alcohol, so are older adults. Our bodies are not as efficient in metabolizing alcohol.
The leading cause of alcohol related death in the over 65 age group is chronic, end-stage liver disease (with it’s complications), but also alcohol related dementia, various head and neck cancers and breast cancer. Alcohol increases our risk of falls in the home and auto accidents with attendant morbidity and mortality.
I know that I made the best decision for me when I stopped negotiating with alcohol and committed to an alcohol free lifestyle. As I approach 4 years without a drink, I know I am not missing out on anything. I know there is no trigger worth my taking a drink. I know I am one drink away from being drunk, a place I do not want to go.
I invite you to stop negotiating with alcohol and to make a commitment to yourself to become alcohol free. I do not think you will regret such a decision. But the choice is yours, and yours alone. Do what is best for you. For me it is AF every day.
Take back your power!
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