I want to be healthy, calm, content, and grounded. I want to flow through life with clarity, purpose and integrity. I want to treat my body with respect and kindness. I want to be fully present for myself and my loved ones. I want to be free.
But then I drink.
The alcohol buries all of those real, true desires so deeply within me. It covers them up so that I feel they are completely out of reach.
When I don’t keep my word and I break my own promises, the shame that builds up inside looks like, anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, and resentment. These feelings convince me that I’m not enough and that I’ll never be the person I want to be or have the life I envision.
I tell myself it’s the alcohol lying to me.
If I could just quit drinking!!!
I try….. I slip.
The shame is too heavy to bear.
It pulls me deeper.
I drink again.
As long as this cycle repeats itself, I will always be suffering.
How do I break free from this cycle? How do you break free of the cycle of drink, drunk, regret ?
Surrender.
It’s coming to terms with the fact that whether I keep drinking or I quit drinking, there will be suffering.
There is pain in both directions and it is inevitable.
There is no way around it, but, I accept that the pain through, is more worth it, than the pain to remain.
I welcome the pain that comes with sobriety because each time I feel it, I know I am getting closer to freedom. I know I’m making it through to the other side.
Every craving I acknowledge but don’t act on.
Every huge emotion that takes over.
All of the feelings I’ve suppressed for years that are bubbling up to the surface.
Every tear.
Every scream.
Every moment of exhaustion.
Every time I ask myself, is this really worth it??
Yes!!! THIS pain is worth it. This pain is challenging me to push myself further than I thought possible. It’s challenging me to be who I say I am and to go after everything I want out of life.
I accept this challenge.
I accept this pain.
Because this challenge, and this struggle, will bring purpose to my pain and for that, I am grateful.
I’m feeling less pain each and every day… and Even on the days that still hurt a bit too much, I at least feel strong enough, to keep pushing through.
I have always had pretty negative self talk. I’m my harshest critic…a striving perfectionist that’s just never good enough. Throughout my life this negative self talk and mental state would often just completely crush me. I’d give up on things constantly. I’d talk myself into states of depression, anxiety and self hate.
When I got and stayed sober, the negative self talk didn’t disappear, but my reaction to it changed. I didn’t view the guilt and shame and feelings of inadequacy as an indication of my worth. Instead, I showed myself grace and then kept getting up. I kept pushing forward. I used my negative self talk as fuel and motivation. I didn’t buckle under the weight of it all because I didn’t carry it with me for too long. I was committed to doing and being better and I was not going to stop myself from doing so.
If I made a mistake, I payed attention and wouldn’t make it again. I apologized when I needed to – to others and to myself, and then held myself accountable to make necessary changes. I was honest with myself about everything and looked for solutions instead of being paralyzed by problems.
I promised myself I’d show up every day as the person I wanted to be, no matter what.. and I kept that promise. And if I started slipping or stagnating, I did everything in my power to gain momentum again.
This. This is what sobriety gave to me and this is what I’m striving for. This state of being, is what I intend on getting back to.
Because for the last few years, I’ve allowed alcohol to take all of that from me. I’ve allowed alcohol to put me right back in that state & cycle of desperation, self hatred & betrayal.
But I will not allow myself to stay there.
I will keep getting up. I will keep pushing forward… one day at a time.
I promise myself that I will show up as the person I want to be, and I WILL keep that promise.
More by this author :
Breaking Free of Cravings for Alcohol with Mindfulness
Surrender and Empower – Emotional Sobriety
6 Months Sober – Self Discipline as Self Care
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