I have given myself all kinds of excuses over the last few years to continue to drink. That was an epic failure that ended 16 months ago. I’ve been looking back at my reasons and how my drinking failed to help me with any of it. I realize now that the most ‘handy’ of my excuses was that I had “no choice.” I convinced myself I needed to drink.

It was in 2015 that my sweet mother was left alone to care for herself after the death of my stepfather. She had just had a hip replacement at 85 years old. Due to some blood loss during the surgery, her cognitive abilities were slightly impaired. She insisted on being independent, but it was clear even to her that she needed some help and I worried about her quite a bit.

 Her bedroom was up a flight of stairs and she had already fallen once so we knew it could easily happen again. She was also still driving her car which made all of us nervous. We suggested she go to assisted living, but she fought us. She was adamant about staying put and insistent on keeping her independence as this was her life for 65 years since she first moved to that part of her valley. She also refused to allow us to get her any kind of in-home care, insisting it was too costly.

So, I showed up there on weekends and most weekdays before and/or after work. Sometimes, my siblings helped, but mostly, it was me, spending time with her and helping take care of her. In the evenings we would have dinner together …and sometimes cocktails.

Neither of us had been big drinkers then, but I would usually have a couple drinks when I was there. Occasionally I had three or four, and spent the night. I enjoyed drinking but I felt I had it under control, and I mostly did back then. 

At the same time, in my workplace, the business was growing gangbusters. I was working hard to keep up with all of the added pressure.

In 2019 there was an audit of our accounting processes by one of our government contracts. They called us out on some incorrect accounting procedures, claiming it caused errors in billing.

My boss blamed me. To this day, I do take some responsibility because although I did know better and had told him how it should be done per contract, I didn’t argue with him when he told me to do it his way. He did say later he never blamed me, but denying is worse than saying, “I am sorry I blamed you.” 

I would come home from work or visit my mother and drink a little more than usual on the difficult days, but drinking didn’t help that situation, nor did it make it feel better in the long run.

To add to it, just days before the audit began, my mother had a stroke. 

The day after Thanksgiving, I hadn’t seen or spoken to my mother for 24 hours. I was home after spending the day before with family, so I was enjoying some alone time that day. When my sister texted me that my mother wasn’t answering the phone, I decided to drive 30-minutes away to my mother’s house.  

I found her there, but she was not in good shape. She had suffered a massive ischemic stroke. The details are too difficult to revisit, but I’ll just say she had suffered alone there for many hours.

I called paramedics and she was taken to the hospital.

I take responsibility for her condition because I hadn’t even tried to call her. I knew she had some of her favorite Catholic priests from Uganda coming by that day, so I assumed she was busy with them. Later I found out they came by, but they left when she didn’t answer the door or phone. They had called my sister, who didn’t check her messages.

It was nobody’s fault really. Not that it helps to lay blame, but I can’t help but take it sometimes. 

Needless to say, I searched out more alcohol for myself that evening. I thought I had no choice, that it was the only thing that would get me through the night, waiting at the hospital. 

But, of course, the alcohol didn’t help. 

And yet, I continued to drink every day after that. I still felt terrible and didn’t sleep well for quite a while. I thought the alcohol was the only way I would be able to sleep. It only made my sleep worse. But I kept trying, kept making up reasons. The only real reason was it made me feel better. Eventually it didn’t though. “Better” didn’t last more than a few moments and I needed more.

Two weeks later, my mother went home to hospice care.

And I went to drinking daily, even more excessively. I had to, I had reasoned at the time. I needed it to get by. After all, I had been through so much…

My drinking negatively-affected my home life, my relationships with my siblings, and my work-life. I didn’t see that I had a choice. I didn’t see that I could have sought out professional help at the time. I was preoccupied with caring for my mother and handling things at work, which were going downhill, and eventually just feeling sorry for myself. My drinking wasn’t helping that either. 

Three months after her stroke, while I held her hand in mine, my beautiful mother died. Amazingly, I hadn’t drank yet that day. 

I quickly made up for it. So much so, that I don’t remember anything but waking up on the sofa in her empty house early the next morning. Later my son came to see how I was and convinced me it was time to go home.

That drinking episode certainly did not make it better. Not even temporarily. It knocked me out and then I felt the horror all over again the next day, alone.

I was angry with everyone; with my boss for not giving me a leave of absence to be with my mother when she was in hospice, with my siblings for being self-centered and not helping more, with my mom for not accepting full time care, and particularly with myself for my responsibility in all of it.

I believed the only way to feel less pain, sleep better, and function normally was to drink. I didn’t want to believe that it was actually just making everything worse.

I had made a promise to my mother on her death bed that I would be okay. So, after a few failed attempts, I managed to finally stop drinking just about a year later.

I have since left my workplace of 25 years because I felt a negative change in my boss’ attitude toward me. He knew I was drinking, and he didn’t fire me. Nevertheless, without asking me or discussing it with me, he gave many of my job duties away to my assistant, someone who walked around constantly undermining my authority.

Even though I admit I did it to myself by drinking as I did back then, I still tried to discuss with my boss my future in the organization. He made a lot of promises but nothing changed. He said a lot of things but didn’t follow through with any of it.  

Drinking had helped cause that. I chose to not drink because I learned that drinking wasn’t going to make it better. Nothing was going to do that.

So, I quit my job. Now, after 25 years of being excellent at my job, I am starting over with a new job. It’s not easy but it’s a nice place with nice people. It’s better compensation and I am treated with more respect. I managed to snag this opportunity by choosing to not drink. It’s still hard sometimes. My brain isn’t as geared to learning new things, as I would have hoped, but drinking certainly won’t make that better.

I have continued to be alcohol free for 16 months now. I still need to work on a lot of issues surrounding all of this, but what I know for certain is that alcohol will not fix my problems. It will in fact, make them worse.

I learned I do have a choice. I quit drinking because I made a choice to do so. There are many reasons to quit drinking but there is one choice to be made, and that choice is to not drink.   

These are the reasons for my choice:

1. Alcohol exacerbates problems. Drinking will not make the problems go away. It will make the problems worse and create new ones, because that is its nature.

2. I see how easily drinking can get out of control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won’t be able to stop at one drink.

3. I see alcohol as the poison that it is. I am unable to see it any other way because it’s a fact.

4. I see alcohol as extremely unhealthy now because it is. It contributes to brain damage, cardiovascular damage, liver failure, and breast cancer.

5. I would probably try to convince myself I could drive if I drank alcohol. 

6. Alcohol inhibits my REM sleep, which causes me stress, and it’s extremely unhealthy. Sleep is necessary for good health. 

7. I tend to have some anxiety. If I were to drink to calm myself, I would feel even more anxiety as it would begin to wear off. 

I now understand that any ‘reasons’ I come up with to drink, are no longer going to make any difference now that I have made my choice. 

My choice is to not drink and that will not change as long as I am in charge of my life.  

Today I choose to be Alcohol Free. I hope you will join me by choosing to be Alcohol Free as well!

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