This realization came to me on one of my last sober stretches. I was doing great, hopped in the shower, and BAM, my brain started unleashing every hurt followed by the fear of facing them sober. It almost knocked the wind out of me. I have kept some painful truths tucked away in there and felt attacked. My sobriety is a threat to my addiction.
“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
I got out of the shower and made deep meaningful eye contact with the mirror. That was when I realized that my sobriety must be really threatening my addiction for it to be so awful.
I am a whole and complete person and yet this fight for sobriety feels like it is between me and me. One me is this beautiful, creative, kind, thoughtful and loving person that wants so much to fully embrace the life she was meant to live and the other me is someone that wants to destroy that me and knows all her secrets, hurts, fears, weaknesses as is willing to fight dirty to win.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”
Looking back I can’t tell when drinking went from just something fun to also a way of escaping the darkness. Using the darkness against me to keep me drinking feels like a very horrible thing to do. I’m so angry that I have given space for that me to constantly attack the me desperately trying to be free and aligned with her true self.
It is scary to face the stuff I have buried down there but I think the only way to take the power away from the darkness is to start shining light on it and courageously keep putting one step in front of the other.
One of my fears of sobriety is that I may not actually be happy and content in my life. On paper, my life looks good but somewhere buried in one of the chapters is a feeling that I have just been going through some of the motions. It scares me to think that my path to happiness might blow up my life and hurt anyone close enough to love me.
“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”
So I question that fear.
Do I know that I won’t be happy and content?
Do I know that I’ll have to decide between an unsatisfied existence or hurting the people I love?
The only way to find out is to walk the sober path long enough to discover the truth for myself. And, I can walk it for a long time with no pressure to make any life adjustments if and until I am ready.
I married a guy that has known his purpose and passion as far back as he can remember and he has made a career of it. There are pictures of him in diapers doing his job. It was like he came to earth knowing his assignment. His love and passion for his purpose can be all-consuming and leave me feeling left out. I have tried to love it too but I just can’t seem to find my way into his world. Over the years I have used weed or alcohol to draw him out of his world and into mine. So my fear is without that crutch how will I get his attention? Will I forever be lonely on the sidelines of his great story?
So I question that fear.
Do I know that I won’t be able to find a healthy alternative to get his attention?
Do I know that I will never find my own earth assignment?
Do I know that if I do, that my earth assignment will be something that won’t be able to be done next to his?
Again, I’m just going to have to be brave enough to walk the sober path long enough to find out, knowing I can take all the time I want and need. Focusing on finding my own purpose and passion while he disappears into his would be good for me, but will he and I lose our connection? I don’t know. I’ve shared this fear with him and he insists that we love each other and share enough similar stuff to always find our way together. To find out I guess I’m going to have to put on my sober shoes and start walking.
Questioning the validity of my fears feels good even if it doesn’t make the scary feelings all go away. One thing I know for certain is that the most vibrant, authentic, healthiest, happiest version of me is a sober me, and fighting through the darkness to find and protect my sobriety is a fight worth fighting!
My sobriety IS a threat to my addiction and my addiction should be scared! I will keep questioning, keep getting back up, keep feeling, keep learning and keep battling until I win. ⚔️
The only way to take the power away from the darkness is to start shining light on it and courageously keep putting one step in front of the other.
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