Welcome to Week Two: Chapter One of No Bad Parts

The way this works is that each weekend, I will post a summary of the chapter (with some of my own analysis) as well as a reflection about the exercises. I am no expert. I have no background with IFS or mental health therapy (except for my own personal experiences with counselors); I am a fellow reader and traveler on this AF journey. Please feel free to engage however suits you. If you are reading along and you disagree with my interpretations, share it in the comments below or write your own post with your own thoughts. If you are not reading, but have something to say, please do! And if you are participating in the exercises, please share whatever you feel comfortable with.

I will try to give you a warning before I share my personal experiences with the exercises. I do not want to put my thoughts in your head if you want to try these with a clear mind! I hope that all makes sense!

Okay, on to the fun stuff…

If you are not reading along, I will give you some of the background and history of Dr. Schwartz’ concept of the “multiplicity” of the mind. Basically, he believes that what most of us consider “thinking” – the never-ending running commentary happening in our minds; the lists of things to do; the best course of action; the conflicted thoughts – are actually “parts” of us with distinct personalities and roles that have developed over the course of our lives.

He goes on to give some historical context to the “mono-mind perspective” (which is that we have one mind, and we must work to silence these other thoughts that are often considered “bad”). Unsurprisingly, religion comes up. But also philosophers, politicians, and American culture in general. Do any of these cartoons look familiar?

 I watched every one of these cartoons as a kid. I grew up thinking that it was my job to distinguish between the angel on my shoulder and the devil. I needed to listen to the angel and do whatever it took to get the devil to quiet down.

Schwartz agrees! “We learn at an early age to shame and manhandle our unruly parts. We simply wrestle them into submission…We often find that the harder we try to get rid of emotions and thoughts, the stronger they become.” So we might develop this “inner drill sergeant” (which becomes our inner critic). And that drill sergeant is trying to protect us by shaming us into behaving (which doesn’t work long-term). Schwartz makes his claim, which is what actually works is getting curious about our parts, listen to them, and love them. 

Exercise for No Bad Parts Chapter 1 – Getting to Know a Protector

As I read through Schwartz’ description about how to do this exercise, I first felt anxious. “How do I know who my ‘protector’ is?” But then I remembered the quote from Jonathan Van Ness on p. 9.

Would you still be so excited to meet me if you really knew who I was? If you knew all the things I have done? 

That is the voice that is constantly in my head; the voice of my inner critic. Is my inner critic actually a “protector”? Maybe… So I decided to try the exercise focusing on that part. WARNING – spoilers ahead. If you don’t want to be swayed by my experience, quit reading here and try it yourself. I found this nice clip of Dr. Schwartz doing the guided exercise. It worked for me. (This is a 9-minute clip which is only the guided meditation; I have not watched the entire 2 hour episode, and I don’t think I will until after I finish the book!)

Guided IFS Therapy Session / Exercise for Inner Healing | Dr. Richard Schwartz & Dr. Andrew Huberman

I focused on the voice inside my head that puts me down. Earlier in the day, as I was hugging my husband, my inner critic said, “You know he’s too good for you, right? Too young, too handsome, too wealthy. One of these days he is going to figure you out and he’ll be gone.” W.T.F.?  I have gotten better at recognize this voice and ignoring it, but I wanted to explore it through this meditation. Here is how it went for me (I really tried to follow all of Dr. Schwartz’ instructions!):

Where is this part located? Behind my left eye

How do I feel toward it? The word “frenemy” came to mind. I don’t like it, but I depend on it.

(At this point, I did feel a “block” like Schwartz describes, so I asked the other parts to step aside so it would be just me and my inner critic.)

What do you want me to know? What are you afraid will happen? Clearly, a voice said, “You’ll screw up! You’ll fail! People will laugh at you!” The voice seemed frantic.

So, I said thank you, and I heard the voice say, “finally.”

I asked what it would do if it didn’t have to protect me from failing. “Play or sing” was the instant answer. Now, I know this seems ironic since that what Schwartz said the part may say – play – but, trust me, when I read that, I thought it was the goofiest thing I had ever read. I felt certain that there was no part inside of me that wants to “play.” I guess I was wrong…

When I asked the critic how old it thought I was, it answered, “10.” When I corrected it and said that I am 46, it seemed confused and sad. 

I asked what it needed from me, and it asked for a hug.

This was a wild experience for me! It felt very real. Since I was feeling a good flow, I went right on to the next exercise – the parts mapping. I made the mistake of googling “IFS Parts Mapping,” and I came across a bunch of PDFs that I don’t think are for where we are in the book yet. Schwartz’ instructions are pretty clear, but I am a guided meditation person. I did find something on youtube that worked for me, but I’m hesitant to share it here since it isn’t Schwartz himself; I don’t want to mislead. Just know that if you want some guidance through this exercise, there are some videos available. I’m also happy to share my link if anyone wants it – I would just prefer to do it in the comments or through a message!

I did two “trailheads” – one around the relationship I have with my 16-year-old daughter. These “garlic cloves” spoke to me in words more than images, but in keeping with the exercise’s instructions, I portrayed them as images. Emojis as the case may be.

😤🛑⚡️👩‍🍳🍎👩‍🍼👯

I am not going to analyze all of the parts of me that came up in this exercise (this post is already getting long), but I will continue to work with them as we move along.

The next one I did involves some of the conflict between me and my spouse as we navigate our very complicated blended family. Again, my first encounters with these parts took the form of emotions, but I found some images that give a visual about how my parts revealed themselves.

 I have found myself wanting to take time to do these exercises whenever I am feeling “off,” which for me is often synonymous with “irritated.” I have this nagging attachment to the idea that everything and everyone should be exactly as I want it, and when it’s not, I get annoyed as hell. Instead of trying to shut down that part, I am trying to get curious about it – what is it trying to protect me from, and how can I (my true self) help relieve that burden? (I am ready to learn more about the “drill sergeant” part!)

I’m excited to hear about your experiences! Please share in the comments or feel free to create your own post.

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More from our Boom Rethink the Drink Community on – No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz – Chapter 1

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