Internal Family Systems – Week Three: Why Parts Blend

Welcome to Week Three (chapter two) of our Internal Family Systems book study. Wow – this is exciting and exhausting and scary stuff. I have more sentences underlined than not in this chapter, but I’ll try to summarize and also share how I have been personally working on myself this week. 

I’ll start by saying that I listened to the recent 10% Happier podcast w/ Dr. Schwartz, and I really liked it. There is, however, a trigger warning, or at least there was for me. The last five minutes or so discuss integrating ketamine therapy with IFS therapy. My inner addict who will jump at any sanctioned “buzz” immediately started googling “IFS ketamine therapy near me.” I was able to recognize that I was more interested in the “recreational” than therapeutic use, and I moved on. I can understand the connection between psychedelics and therapy, but as I had two main purposes for intoxication – numbing and enhancing, I am hesitant to consider any mood or mind altering substances. I think I could find a way to make a habit out of any of them. But, if you aren’t worried about that, it’s worth a listen. (And, if you are, you could easily turn off the podcast when it comes up; you don’t lose any of the substance of the conversation at all.)

So, back to the book. I am glad we are taking this slowly. Every paragraph seems to open up a new understanding of myself and my life is really busy right now, so a chapter/week seems to be the right pace for me. At times I feel like I want to binge-read the whole book because I feel a little frustrated that I’m not totally “getting” it, but I did have a couple cool breakthroughs this week. I think that’s a “part” of me – the “not good enough” part. I’m not sure what it is protecting, but it’s the part that tells me to hurry up, slow down, do it better, etc. Actually, even as I type this I am learning something… nothing was ever “good enough” for my dad. That’s the cool thing about this concept: doors keep opening for me.

This chapter is all about why our parts blend, or merge with our Self. To me, this is why I so often feel like the hypervigilant child or petulant teenager and why I so often “overreact angrily to perceived slights.” Schwartz believes these parts are frozen in time from some earlier trauma, but believe they still need to manage our lives. He talks about two types of blending – one where we are “so used to it that we don’t even think the beliefs…are extreme.” He mentions a “background sense that we are a fraud” with this type of blending. (See above paragraph for evidence of my “not good enough” inner monologue.) 

The other type of blending is when we are triggered. “We know that they’re overreactions, but we have no real idea as to why we get so upset.” Like this morning. I had made little individual egg cups for my family. Trying to be loving, I made each with specific preferences – extra bacon for my step-son; no tomatoes for my daughter; no bacon for me. Not knowing this, my husband grabbed a couple that “weren’t his.” I was furious. I snapped at him, and everyone at the table looked pretty uncomfortable. Even though I was trying to make them all happy, my need for things to be perfect made it awkward. Luckily, I’m sober (because at one point in my life, I would have started drinking as soon as they all left), and luckily I’m reading this book. I was able to recognize that it was a part of me that got annoyed, and I allowed my Self to take over. I was able to joke about it, look inside of myself, and our morning ended nicely. Yay!

In this chapter, Schwartz includes an “Unblending and Embodying” meditation. I was able to find a guided version on InsightTimer which worked well for me. I felt some of the physical sensations he describes, and I learned that some of my protectors hang out behind my eyes and others take up residence in my jaw. 

I like how Schwartz calls it our “inner orphanage.” It definitely helps me have empathy for these “little inner beings.” 

I also really enjoyed reading the transcript from the session with Sam. Wow! I want to have an IFS session with Dr. Schwartz. I can see how having a therapist guide you through this work could be really beneficial. This session made me think about that prickly teenager inside of me. There’s a certain event that I’m pretty sure made her go inside and made my protectors keep her there. I want to do more work on her. I’m glad we still have 9 weeks to go! The session also frustrated me a little bit because it felt more “advanced” than where I am right now. But… again, I think that is the “not good enough” part. So, I am going to take the good and tell that part of me that she can let it go. My Self is doing the work, and we will get there.

I want to share my other breakthrough that IFS helped bring about this week. It was evening, after dinner, and my husband and I were both overwhelmed and exhausted. It’s our week with the kids, they are all in sports, and our jobs are very busy this month. I was finishing up helping with math homework, and he was standing over the sink full of dirty dishes. He looked at the dishwasher and asked, “Are these clean or dirty?” It was a simple question, but what I heard was, “Are these dishes seriously still clean? You’ve been working from home all day and you weren’t able to do a simple thing like unload the dishwasher?” 

It was one of my protectors who responded, “They are clean! Trust me, I know it’s frustrating! I’ve been trying to get them put away for 14 hours now, but I haven’t had the time.”

He responded by saying, “That wasn’t very nice.” But my inner critic interpreted it as, “Not only aren’t you good enough, but you’re a bitch, too.”

You can imagine how I responded. 

But, my Self spoke up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa… this isn’t helpful. How about you both take a step back and let me handle this.”

I explained to him about this book and these parts. I told him that I was working on those parts, but if he sees that it doesn’t feel like me who is responding to him, maybe he could try that soothing technique we learned in counseling. I told him that these parts heard his truly benign question and got it all skewed in my mind. I explained that my childhood and my long history of numbing my emotions play into this. I told him that he, too, has parts and that sometimes those parts are speaking instead of him, and if we can both try to see those “inner children” as parts of ourselves that need love, not more criticism, maybe we can feel more peaceful more often.

He didn’t totally get the “parts” part, and he looked at me like he might think I’m edging closer to the deep end, but he gave me a hug and we unloaded the dishwasher together.

If you are reading along and trying the exercises, what do you think? Are you having any luck? If you have done IFS therapy, is it like the session in this chapter and in the 10% Happier podcast? Has anyone else had moments of recognizing their parts speaking on their behalf this week? Was your Self able to speak up and take over?

Feel free to share any thoughts in the comments, or create your own post in our Boom Rethink the Drink Community Book Club!

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