When I was Drinking I was Afraid

When I was Drinking I was Afraid

I was afraid that I was destroying my health.

I was afraid that the whites of my eyes were turning yellow

I was afraid that I was an alcoholic

I was afraid that I couldn’t stop drinking

I was afraid of Sobriety

Afraid I’d be dull

Afraid I’d lose my friends

Afraid I couldn’t do it

Afraid that if I stopped drinking , every one would know my secret.

But when I stopped

One day at a time I began to lose that fear.

I began to KNOW that I could hold on.

I began to trust myself.

I began to think for myself and write what I was thinking and read it and LEARN from myself.

I stopped Buying a lifestyle that was Killing my soul.

I stopped making excuses for behavior I despised.

I worked hard to hold onto my freedom and now I revel in that Freedom every day because Sober I OWN MYSELF!

I remember feeling that my bottle of wine was like a friend.

A calm harbor at the end of the day.

A lover who understood me and would sooth me.

I remember the feeling of loss when I left my friend behind.

The mourning for my lover.

I remember it being so hard to imagine NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

I remember that very clearly even after two and a half years happily sober and I KNOW if I drink again I’ll be back to that place in a flash.

That is the addiction speaking.

The addiction will always be there.

But as long as I work my program a bit every day ; write, read, listen, respond, feel, think, grow…

As long as I continue to feed my soul with pride and dignity I will never give in to the desire to drown my spirit again.

It took me six long years to discover that the answer was inside of me but the day I started blogging in a community was the last day I drank.

If you’re drinking a too much a too often talk to us.


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3 responses to “When I was Drinking I was Afraid”

  1. […] shame, and fear. Doubt in my ability to ever rein it in. Shame that I’d gotten drunk again. Fear that I’d really done it this time, that I’d set the ball rolling and was facing cancer […]

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