Denial vs Peace of Mind

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When I was punctuating every night with a bottle or two of wine and 10 or 12 cigarettes I would often appease my own sense of doom with one of those standard rationalizations

I’ll die in a car crash before the booze and smokes take me out… might as well enjoy life now !

or

I’m as likely to get cancer from the plastic water bottle and my under arm deodorant, might as well enjoy life now

I would wake up at 3 in the morning full of doubt, and shame, and fear. Doubt in my ability to ever rein it in. Shame that I’d gotten drunk again. Fear that I’d really done it this time, that I’d set the ball rolling and was facing cancer of the liver/pancreases/throat/lungs/breasts …

Being a pro-active sort of person I’d get busy on my daily detox … exercise, water, green tea, papaya, avocado, grapefruit, red onions, beet root, garlic, etc etc

And then at around 2 or 3 pm that voice would chime in …

you’re not so bad…

you can handle it…

you deserve/need/want a nice grown up treat …

one glass won’t hurt …..

That routine is commonly called denial because I had been proving to myself for many years that I couldn’t control how much I drank or smoked, and while one cigarette and 5 oz of wine each day would most likely have no more adverse health effect then the plastic in my water bottle, the underarm deodorant, or the air I breath, a bottle or two of wine a night, and a half pack of cigarettes was killing me body and soul.

It’s the soul part that is important here.

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in over four years and haven’t smoked in over two but that doesn’t mean I won’t get cancer.

What it means is that I wake up every morning with peace of mind, with hope, and with the possibility of genuine joy.

That is priceless.

Find your truth and hold onto it.

My truth is that I cannot drink and accepting that, set me free.



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