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I am Free !
2018 was my first full year of sobriety. Do I need perfect? What is perfect? My life is far from perfect but that’s ok.
I’ve learnt to feel and not numb.
I used to numb and not feel.
That wasn’t perfect either.
I’ve gained confidence, I know that much. I’ve chosen my battles. My response to all the annoying stuff, tragic stuff, all that everyday stuff that life throws at us. I’ve responded in my way. In an appropriate way. No dramas. No crazy nonsense.
I’ve used alot of 4-7-8 breathing and contemplating. Booze doesn’t allow that. There is no calm or rest.
I was restless. I was always seeking for something else. Usually my next drink.
So many questions: would there be enough?
Would they sell it?
Did I need extra stashed in my bag?
Can’t you see my fu##ing glass is empty?
Where’s mine. ?
Will he notice if I slurp his ?
Can I get away with a sneaky trip to the bar ?
Can I top up this bottle with water ?
Why can’t I remember?
When did those blackouts start ?
Will they know ?
Why are you drinking so slowly ?
Why can’t I have another ?
Why do we have to leave so early ?
Why are you so annoying ?
When did I say that ?
Why can’t I remember ?
Where did I leave my stuff ?
Why are my clothes wet !?
Why can’t I remember ?
I don’t know how I’ve spent so much !
Why can’t I remember?
Why are you looking at me like that ?
No I don’t remember what I said !
Why all this tension ?
Why do I feel sick with anxiety?
How am I so anxious ?
Why am I eating so much garbage ?
Why can’t I smile ?
Why did it take me so long to get here ?
Stopping drinking? It certainly was a journey of stopping & starting a lot . Figuring it out day after day . Realising finally that I couldn’t do one drink ! What’s the point in one f###ing drink ? The million-dollar question that I never thought I’d be answering. The realisation that I couldn’t stop at 2 or 3 drinks or 6 or 7 drinks. I couldn’t stop the mayhem. I couldn’t stop the destruction until I finally understood that it literally was destroying me .
Dear alcohol terrorist,
You took away my freedom and promised a good time only to drop me like a hot potato to pick up the chaotic pieces . Turning people away from me . They didn’t like me & you together . You lied . You took my dignity & respect . You didn’t care . I’m so over it . Thank God my tribe here screamed & tore their hair out pulling me away from you .
Nothing will take me back .
Some of you are struggling . It’s heartbreaking to read . But boy do I get it .
It’s the freedom and quiet clear conscience that is the best bit . No drama .
Not perfection by any means but a calm me .
I remember stuff . I smile at stuff . I shake the anxiety off easier.
I’m showing up today and what you see is what you get .
No drama . No lies . Just me.
Imagine xxxxxxx
Alcohol Free in 2019 ! Year two I’m ready for you!
“When you quit drinking you stop waiting.”
― Caroline Knapp, Drinking: A Love Story
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