Getting back to sober after a long relapse has not been easy for me. I’m an instant gratification person. When I finally stopped drinking 105 days ago my health had gone so downhill that I was seriously scared. I was at the point where I was forcing those 12-16 beers down- to numb the physical pain of drinking. I was having trouble drinking a beer and having trouble eating because the bloat got so bad. I remember a friend saying to try the gluten free beer- then I’d still be able to drink.

I thought, “ now I’m moving to gluten-free just to get it down?” Scary. I even considered wine and other alcohol because I hoped it would go down easier and make it possible to drink alcohol and maybe eat again.

I missed my healthy sober self of 10+years ago. I prayed to find the strength to get alcohol-free again all throughout those years and couldn’t put in a day. I drank daily after my relapse for almost 11years believe it or not. So it is no surprise that I gained so much weight everywhere, but also that every organ in my torso was so bloated I looked 8 months pregnant.

I wasn’t a good fit for Alcoholics Anonymous. Since the first time around when I stopped drinking in AA, and then after slipping, feeling I’d lost 4 years of sobriety, and never being able to get it together. I started to notice I was being judged. The words people would say to me in meetings got harsher, the support became quieter and I eventually left the program due to feeling completely disconnected and ashamed. I didn’t even bother to try and stop again once I left there. In fact, I retreated into isolation more and more, I was so ashamed.

Every day in the isolation of the pandemic has been rough. Hiding always leads to drinking. I am LITERALLY physically alone and have been since March, but honestly, long before that too. My coworkers and one good friend were all I ever saw anyway. The past 11 years have brought me to this point of isolation, and the only way out of it is to stop drinking. Funny, because even as I write this, my isolation turned out to be the thing that provided the opportunity to get back to sober after that relapse so long ago.

In the isolation brought by the pandemic, I found an online community and the support I needed to stop drinking.

This online community is vastly different than any other community I have ever been a part of in terms of sobriety. I really appreciate that I’m not being judged on here, and I think that may be the first time I’ve felt such significant support, that it may be the reason I will be able to stay sober this time. I’m starting to believe that again for the first time since my relapse.

What truly inspires me to keep going is the others who are struggling alongside me fearless of posting yet another day one. When I woke up to day one again and saw so many people being supported through their restarts, I decided to take a risk and post instead of being quiet until I got some days behind me again.

To all those on day one again, I believe in you, I appreciate your honesty and I believe in us that we will achieve our goals.

Oh and by the way, I feel blessed to be talking to people on the other side of the world that are just waking up as I am trying to sleep. Once I make it through that drink time of day, sober, I love how my phone lights up with all the people waking up to a brand new day. It oddly inspires me and makes me thankful to go to bed sober.

Sobriety amazes me. 💙
15 weeks in. 100 days sober and counting .

I have spent most of the past 4ish years fairly alone. The odd meet up with an acquaintance, the odd trip to see family, so being alone on holidays is really not something new or depressing to me. It’s Thanksgiving here in Canada and one of my new “friends” who is in my bubble, invited me to dinner tonight with their partner and another new “friend” also in the bubble.

I got myself all the stuff to make dinner for myself too because that’s been my jam for so long and going to someone’s for dinner is unheard of- especially on a holiday. I didn’t even want to go to be honest.

But…and this is HUGE, I had so much fun! We were there for 6 hours, we ate, drank (carbonated water and apple juice in wine glass for me), and beed (haha) merry!

It was an amazing time and I sat back at one point and wondered, what have I been missing? Has this kinda thing been going on all around me without me ever even knowing???
It was such a blessing to be able to do this. Now I don’t want to do the dinner up for myself that I had planned but I have to- I have a 10-pound turkey in my fridge

But what a gift. I wouldn’t even know these people if I hadn’t decided to stop drinking. I honestly don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t stop. Actually yes I do. Right where I was during that 11 tear relapse before I got back to sober. Holed up in my home, lonely angry and drunk every night? Not talking to family, reaching out to no one.

I feel like I’m running toward something now, and not away. 

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Related reading:

No More Day 1’s – Finally Sober – BOOM Rethink the Drink !

How do you go Sober? ( more reading in blue titles)

B Be accountable Talk to Us We Understand
A Avoid alcohol like the plague  Ideas Here
L Let yourself enjoy regular sober treats  Ideas Here
A Allow yourself to cry when needed  Ideas Here
N Nourish your body with good food  Ideas Here
C Create happy & fun memories  Ideas Here
E Enjoy the precious moments in your day Ideas Here

W Work hard to get what you want Ideas Here
O Organise things for less stress  Ideas Here
R Realise you can’t control it all Ideas Here
K Keep going & prepare for success Ideas Here
S Sleep enough for body & mind rest Sleep Solutions