I’m so proud of myself for being sober this Christmas season because last year I was a mess. A hiding my bottles in my shoes mess. I sunk into a Mommy’s Wine Time routine as an accepted adult comfort, but drinking became the problem, not the solution. My husband is in the military so he lives in another state and some days I’m overwhelmed with parenting alone. My parents have also passed and some days I miss them so bad it hurts. But now that I’m sober, I let myself cry rather than trying to drink the loneliness away. I cry, and sometimes I cry some more! But I know that I can’t give up. And I certainly can’t return to using alcohol as my crutch! It’s ok to feel! It’s ok to cry! The sorrow will pass through the tears, and once it passes, you can get back to living ❤️
Note to Self :
There have been days this past month that the alcoholic in me would’ve definitely been drunk by noon! I have had high anxiety at the stress of Christmas season activity. Leading up to the day my husband (who is stationed in FL) was coming home for Christmas there was the stress of feeling that my house was a disaster. Mostly because my son is 5 😂 Shopping and Christmas prep can really cause me anxiety! I don’t like being around a lot of people! But I’m learning how to fix these issues when they arise ❤️ Take a quick nap. Have a cup of tea. Send my son to his room so that I can clean and organize. Sober I’m a mom who sets the boundaries that I need to get things done. Sober I’m a mom who understands the genuine self-care that will help me function rather than break me down. I work a bit every day on respecting that I need to do things differently to stay sober. I really got tired of being “sick and tired of being sick and tired” and am happy to do the work it takes to stay sober.
I’m a work in progress and will be until I take my last breath. But it excites me to know that change is possible! And sometimes we can’t even see or believe change will come. What I mean is, last year I couldn’t imagine myself being sober this year. BUT I AM and that’s Exciting!! Staying sober makes me look so forward to the future! That Mommy’s Wine Time routine that is supposed to ease the stress? Drinking to calm the loneliness of raising my son with my husband away in service? That was not the solution. It created the problem.
Alcohol was not my balm or my rocket fuel as it is often sold to be. When I think of drinking, my mind and body immediately get tired. I associate drinking with tiredness because that’s what it makes me. Towards the end of my drinking, I was literally saturated. The slightest bit of alcohol would give me a banging headache, make me tired, and make my heart beat out of my chest! I DO NOT miss that! And I don’t think of drinking really now but if I happen to, remembering those symptoms stops me! 🤮 Today I will not be tired, I will not have a headache, and I will not abuse my precious heart that keeps me alive ❤️
I was skimming an old diary and I wanted to share what I wrote. I’m sharing to give hope to anyone that feels they can never change, or they just don’t think they can stop drinking. This was written in Sep ’18 a year ago –
“Last night you drank too much vodka, went to lay down at 7 pm, and threw up 3 times. Was absolutely awful. When you forget how bad you feel, let this be a reminder to you of what happens when you drink poison.”
Then I wrote this which just made me cry!
“Dear me, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to my amazing body for not loving you and pouring poison down my throat. You are an amazing machine and I keep making you malfunction. I’m sorry to myself for treating myself poorly. You don’t need this. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I actually didn’t quit drinking then. I was stuck in the cycle. My point is if you’re trying to stop drinking keep trying!! If you fall, get back up! I am so thankful to be out of that vicious cycle but I remember what it’s like and know one sip would send me right back. It’s not worth it!
A picture is worth a thousand words!!! This is so powerful to me!
I’ve thought every quote in that bottle. I accepted every quote in that bottle as truth. I bought into the need for mommy’s wine time and became bound to the routine. And one day I quit.
The wine commercials at this time of year make me crazy. And New Year’s alcohol commercials make me even crazier!
Today I still scour wine at the store. I literally make a nasty face at it and shake my head. The other night my son and I picked up a pizza. The pizza place is right beside the Liquor store. I used to go in there a lot! I watched people go in and out with their dark blue bags. I felt sorry for them because they are gonna go home and pour poison down their throats like I did 1 million times. My son is always amazed at how many different bottles there are. I imagine they look really enticing!! The marketing really works in making these bottles so beautiful on the outside yet so vile and destructive on the inside! I always tell him it’s disgusting and don’t be fooled by the appearance!
Please don’t take this wrong. It used to be me! I never saw or wanted to see the truth. But once you see the truth, you can’t unsee it! Just last year during this time, my bedroom closet was stocked full of wine. I’d go in there and guzzle it. After all, no one can tell when you’re drunk right? Wrong!! 🤦🏼♀️ I’m sure now that my family knew. They never said anything. I am sooo happy that I don’t have to worry about making a fool of myself over the holiday season this year!
Once I started teaching my son about alcohol, that really helped me stop drinking and stay stopped. Because then he was aware of what alcohol is and what it does! And I refuse to be a hypocrite to him! I can no longer justify my drinking as something that I need or deserve when I’ve been honest with him about what alcohol is and does. I hope someday he will remember my words but also my actions and not take that drink offered to him. I hope he won’t fall into the trap of alcoholism that exists in our family!
No mommy does not need wine! It’s quite the opposite! Mommy needs to be present, give hugs and love, needs to teach, etc. Alcohol turns mommy into a sitting corpse that pays no attention to her beautiful child and when she does, she yells. No not today!! Not tomorrow!! Frankly, I don’t care if “everyone else” drinks, because I no longer do. Once you know that it’s toxic and poison, that’s hard to ignore. It is for me.
Sending hope and love to you all today!! ❤️
More from the Boozemusings Blog on Cutting the tie to Mommy’s Wine Time :
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