I think it’s important to look back- from 5 months sober – to that place I was before.
You know that place we go, that one that leaves us so scared and lonely and cut off.
Those days /nights where you’ve drunk so much and you’re getting louder and slurring your words, and you’re repeating everything, cause you’ve forgotten that you said that half an hour ago. People are laughing ’cause you’re so drunk.
You can’t walk in a straight line and keep nocking into things and people, you’re getting argumentative cause you know you’re always right.
You have to be helped home. You can’t even get your key in the lock. You sleep in the clothes you went out in.
You wake thirsty, head pumping, feeling sick. And you can’t remember nothing , just snippets, you feel panic and shame that yet again you’ve not been able to control the drink. You promise it won’t ever happen again.
You will stay home and drink. And it’s so much cheaper and you won’t have to worry about people seeing you. You will be able to control it. You don’t measure your drinks you just pour them. You’ve only had 4 drinks. But half a bottle of vodka is gone. You find your drinking is getting faster and what used to get you to that place isn’t getting you there quick enough. You need more.
Then the hiding starts. You hide a bottle or 2. Cause you can never not have enough. Sometimes you top up the bottle from the hidden one so it don’t look like you’ve drunk so much .
And before you know it you’re doing this every single day. Hating it. Hating that you can’t get past a day or two without it. Shit thoughts. Shit hangovers, shit life.
Scared, lonely. In that place.
So when I get my cravings and thoughts this is what I’m really craving for. That shit above. Cause that’s all it’s ever given me for years.
I don’t want that again and to think that I have some magic power to make it different is just an illusion.
Today I’m 5 months free. I say 5 months free rather than 5 months sober, because free is how I truly feel .
Free from obsessive thoughts
Free from the lies I was telling myself
Free from the worry that I was slowly killing myself
Free from the drink drunk and recovery
For the first 3-4 months alcohol-free, I have been solely putting all my energy and thoughts into staying sober.
At 5 months sober I very rarely have any thoughts of wanting to drink.
I did sniff the whisky bottle the other day and it scared me that I’d even done that
In England, we’ve just opened up, and the family get-togethers are being arranged, and the talk everywhere is how everyone is really going to go to town and celebrate big time.
I’ve been trying in my mind to play out different scenarios, what I will say if questioned, what I will do if I get overwhelmed, I’ve had gotten some great tips and read some great blogs .
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit scared, I felt quite protected in my Covid bubble. But I can’t stay here forever.
And not a day has gone by yet where I’m not glad to be on my alcohol-free journey, with all the fantastic people on Boom to accompany me along the road.
Today I’m 5 months sober – 5 months free – And I thank you all muchly.
If you’re “sober curious” … If you are drinking too much too often and want to stop or take a break… Talk to Us.
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