I had a long day yesterday, ended up working longer than usual. I got Irritated, Restless, Tired and Hungry, then the strike of an urge surfaced. URGH!!! HALT gained 2 letters and turned into HARLIT!! I reached for water (gulp!, gulp!, gulp!) and a green apple (crunch!, crunch!, crunch!). It seemed to pass… Closed our store, headed to the house [knowing there was chilled white wine in the shop]… Had another snack, started supper, then took a nice bubble bath and read a book. “Ok, I’m good” I whispered to myself.
Hubby came in pretty intoxicated from hanging out with the boys all day. For one thing, I don’t think I’ll ever, ever get used to ‘alcohol breath’. Like ever. We chatted a bit, his eyes were small, and his words slurped. Then when his ‘repeat mode’ turned on, I just felt my chest close-in on itself and my focus turn elsewhere. I got such a bad feeling inside. I felt bad for him; my sharpened presence actually felt rather painful.
I woke-up well-rested but tired, a feeling of disconnection. It got me thinking, then writing…
I feel a bit heavy and some melancholy inside. A bit lost, and alone in this big field. I can hear the bird’s sign; I can see the sun is shining behind some clouds. My field has some green, and a few lovely flowers, and it goes on for miles and miles in front of me. There is a mild warm wind caressing my cheeks. I know I am in the correct field, yet I still feel lost.
What do I identify with HERE? It’s beautiful here, I do feel safe, but my heart is so heavy. I know I am okay being AF ( alcohol-free) – those shoes are pretty comfortable now. The odd pebble comes and disrupts that comfort, yet I now know how to remove it rather than let it interrupt my direction.
But what do I identify with? In parallel to being a full-time business owner, I used to be part of 2 Board of Directors (provincial and national) and very involved. Oh, and I used to drink wine. Everyday. Yes. I was a pretty good “wine connoisseur”. I knew which wines were “healthier”, which contained less sugar and less carbs. Yes. I really identified with that. Everywhere in my everyday life. It had its own space and took a lot of dedication. My mantra was “ah, that’s nothing wine can’t fix!” Family members, customers, and close friends knew that I “enjoyed” my wine! But in a good way, you know? Because I was a smart, dedicated, well-accomplished, and responsible person. Plus, I was one of those “Happy Drinkers”!
When I dumped my remaining white wine down the kitchen sink on Day 1, it is as though a lot went down with it, sucked right in. GONE was happiness, future, calmness, comfort, crutch, safety, social, numbness, and some crap of course… I initially gave up drinking wine ‘cold turkey’, then eventually resigned from being a Board Member (both boards) to put my everything into my abstinence.
My choices left me alone, in this field. This desolate field where I eventually found books, BOOM, teas and coffees, snacks and nuts, bath time and restful sleep, and this astounding feeling of being present. This field used to be so, so dark, but has gained some light over these past almost 18 months alcohol-free.
Yes, I am here. My physical is still the same whether I drink alcohol or not: my hair is still brown, my eyes are still green, I have a petite physique and have the voice of a 4-year-old! People STILL see the ‘outside’ me. The one they’ve always known. They are blind to the inside me; to whom I have become. (But maybe they always have been?) This, for me, feels somewhat unsettling. My perception says they are kind of like ‘back there’, they know the “old me”, will they catch up to see “the new me”? Or is this simply, in my head, an illusion, my own scared perception. A fear that they only know the happy/energetic me which stemmed from drinking; the one not so genuine… the one I left behind?
The changes that have taken place within me are almost as if somebody moved out and someone else is slowly inhabiting my physical body. There have been so many shifts, it’s even hard to keep track. Some feel almost unidentifiable, mysterious at times… and it’s in my own self. Not being able to “get” ones’ self at times, makes it hard to “be” ones’ self around others… and I think that this is where being alone in my big field, cherishing the little things like listening to the birds sing and enjoying the lovely flowers, is where all the growth takes place…
Although I feel so much fear and resistance it hurts, I do trust that that joyful enthusiastic girl will wake-up and rise from within, all fresh, full of energy, without the need for wine to keep being happy, fully living and keep moving forward.
Many of us give our “drinking demon” a name, like “Vodka Vixen” or “Wine Witch”.
I called mine “Wine Witch”- I seen this written somewhere, and it sparked a light, it was very fitting. But my “drinking demon” wore another identification: “It”. “It” was also the title I gave to my “anorexic demon voice” way back when I was a teenager… the “Wine Witch” has very similar traits to “It” … like they are related, like sisters or something. Regardless, they are both on identical paths, they are hand in hand with the same goals, headed in the same dark downwards spiral direction of nowhere positive.
I was sitting in my office one day, just typing out my thoughts, and I suddenly decided to give my “sobriety” a name: I chose to call her “Serenity”. I tried to find another more unique name, but this name feels so full of flow, peaceful- of complete liberation.
It’s like “Serenity” has taken the place of “It” over time. “Serenity” is growing stronger and stronger as each day passes by. The fight was real in the beginning, one against the other. It got alarming when the battle was 50/50… especially when I didn’t know which side the scale would tip. There were many arguments between the two, sometimes new ones, wearing a different mask than the previous time… pure disguise! But as time passed, they thankfully got further and further apart. I can now attest that it was worth holding on through the many various battles! So far, “Serenity” is gaining power, rising up, and watching “It” become weaker and weaker. “Serenity” held my hand, through thick and thin.
“Serenity” has become my safe place. My safe place not only out in the world, but deep in my core as well. I’ve learned that it’s okay for me to be AF, yes, it’s alright. I am safe here. I turn to “Serenity” when I feel happy, but also when I need extra TLC, and when I feel sad inside. She is always there for me- she shows up; I can count on her, and she has yet to let me down. “Serenity” wants the best for me, she is a real, genuine best friend. I am beyond grateful I was given the chance to meet her. She is light, gentle, patient and understanding.
The best part of this whole story is that “Serenity” is also “AF Me”
Join me AFZeroNegotiation today, and lets write a beautiful piece of our story
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