I’m 4 years sober but even now, the thought of living without alcohol for forever is daunting.
“Wait, I can’t drink anymore?”
Face it, there are lots of things I can’t do anymore.
I can’t carry my baby anymore – he’s 26, 180 lbs, and taller than me.
I used to race him…. when he was little, I would let him win and at about 13, he started winning for real. I can’t win those races anymore.
I can’t do the splits anymore.
I can’t fit into my wedding dress anymore.
“I sit there and think how it isn’t fair that I can’t drink at all, even a little. I realize I have crammed an entire lifetime of moderate drinking into a decade of hard-core drinking and that is why. I blew my wad.”
Like Augusten Burroughs said in “Dry”, I blew my wad.
Coming to terms with what I can’t do anymore – to include drinking – took time. At 4 years sober, I’m still learning to accept that being alcohol-free is a healthy decision. I sometimes feel the FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out. I did have friends that have said I was “no fun” , but I ignored them.
It is only now – with 4 years between me and that last glass of wine – that I feel and embrace the JOMO: the Joy of Missing Out.
I can do most things now.
I can drive after dark.
I can exercise again.
I can remember the night before.
I can be there when my adult children need me after 8 pm.
I can make early morning work meetings, with clarity and focus.
I can feel the Joy of being sober.
I don’t miss the excess weight.
I don’t miss the stumbling and incoherent ramblings.
I don’t miss the half-hearted apologies for something that I don’t remember saying.
I don’t miss the broken promises to others.
I don’t miss the silent broken promise to myself to use “self-discipline ” to moderate.
Fact: I have a life-threatening condition. If I drink, I risk losing so much.
I risk losing the trust I’ve created between my children and me… this is why I fiercely protect my Quit.
I risk losing new friendships that I’ve developed over the last 4 years sober.
I risk losing my self-confidence.
Yes, whether I like it or not, I can’t wish away my drinking addiction. It lurks in the back of my brain, hibernating, waiting to whisper, “just one”. Even at 4 years sober, that addiction wakes up and knocks on the door:
“Let me out!
You overreacted!
I promise that you can moderate again!
And if it doesn’t work out, you can always Quit again!”
Despite his insistence, I leave that door locked. I know the truth and part of the truth is…. I don’t want to live through another Quit. I can survive another “Day 1” because l’ve done that a hundred times…. and even Day 2…. still feeling the impacts of alcohol in my body… but on Day 3 forward, I would have to face the damage I did to those around me.
“Mom, you broke my trust”… which would lead to proving I was fit (again) to watch my grandchildren overnight (again). It would strain those relationships and the trust that has been built upon day by day by day.
So sometimes I feel like I want to cry because I miss my red wine. But at the end of the day, it comes down to this: I have a life-threatening condition that once had me.
Protect your Quit. You are worth it!
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