IFS – Week 4: This Changes Everything
I like the title of this week’s No Bad Parts chapter – this changes everything. Maybe it is because I know what it’s like to experience something in life that truly does change everything – for better or for worse. Or maybe it is because after I spent the week pondering Schwartz’s ideas in this chapter, I can see how this truly could change everything.
There are two more exercises in this chapter, and I learned that in the audio version of NBP, Schwartz himself does a guided meditation through all of the exercises. I was super lucky that there was not a wait on my library app for the audio version, so I have enjoyed listening to him talk through the Dilemma Meditation and Working with a Challenging Protector. I found some success with both, but that cynical part of me keeps wondering, “Are you really?” Maybe I should have a talk with that part.
As I worked through the Dilemma Meditation, I was pretty easily able to picture the two parts of me who battle inside my brain every time I feel slighted by someone. In this case, it is my teenage daughter. She is a beautiful young woman who is smart and funny and innocent and wise, but she has a rage inside her that keeps me at arm’s distance. She keeps me humble.
When she comes home, my parts immediately argue:
“She should be grounded! She speaks disrespectfully and thinks she owns the place!,” my Bully part says.
“Be nice! You don’t want her to yell and scream!” my Peacemaker part says.
“She doesn’t appreciate you! There have to be consequences for treating people like that.” (Bully)
“But we could still have a peaceful evening and no conflict if you just ignore her.” (PM)
“You can’t just allow her to walk all over you and then give her whatever she wants.” (Bully)
And when Bully wins, shame usually follows, and when Peacemaker wins, doubt follows. Some version of this has been going on in my head for decades. For a long time, drinking drowned it out and let that part of me (Firefighter? We haven’t learned that term, but I can see how the urge to drown this fire in alcohol seems like the only solution.) I don’t hear from my Firefighter very much anymore, so I’m left watching these two battle it out nearly every day about some nitpicky (or not) reaction – whether from my daughter, my husband, my ex-husband, work colleagues or clients.
So when I went through this exercise and tried to separate these parts and learn about them, I again found out how much they both care for me and my family. They just don’t know how to handle threats. Bully is always on the offense. Stereotypically, that part of me is so scared of being seen as inferior, that it prepares an argument against everyone I meet. I am always ready to turn the tables to prevent someone from hurting me. (Notice how I switched from writing about this part as separate as me and into writing about me as though I am this part? I think that’s the “blending” part.)
Peacemaker desperately wants no fighting. PM hears yelling and still thinks I’m the little girl who desperately wanted her parents to stop fighting. Stop yelling. Stop crying. She will do anything to keep everyone calm. It can be a difficult sight for my husband (not her biological dad) to watch me caress my daughter’s hair after she has just dressed me down in front of the whole family. He wishes she would show me love in a different way than emotionally vomiting all over me, and he has a Holding-Grudge part. With Peacemaker, I can definitely get that “how old do you think I am” thing Schwartz comes back to in every interaction. I’ll be honest, that’s the one part of this that feels corny to me. I don’t know why, but something about thinking of these parts not knowing I’m an adult seems “far out” to me. But I ask, and I usually get the same answer – TEN. Not sure if that is because my younger daughter is ten or because ten is a crazy age for little girls or because something happened at ten or because the thinking part of me is just filling in. But, this Peacemaker feels younger than that. Like there is a real “little girl” sense with her.
Schwartz didn’t really tell us the “end” of the story, and I think that’s intentional. He just said “notice what happens to your conflict,” which didn’t feel helpful for me right away. Because an hour later, my daughter stormed into the house, slammed doors, blasted TikTok, and raided the refrigerator before walking out again. The parts started immediately.
But, before they really got into their flow, my Self stepped in and asked if they could wait and give me a chance to handle it. Instead of looking at the situation through a series of random occurrences, I decided to take the role of the observer and be curious about how I wanted this interaction to go. Instead of seeing her through Bully’s eyes or Peacemaker’s eyes, I could be Mom. So I set a couple boundaries for when she next came home. And she butted right up against the boundaries and tried to push past. But I stayed calm and I stayed in my Self. I didn’t let Bully step in to protect me from feeling afraid. Afraid that she’ll hate me forever; afraid she’ll screw up; afraid it’s all my fault. But I felt those things, and I realized that she doesn’t hate me, she will screw up, and it’s only partially my fault. And because I stuck to my boundaries, she ended up telling me that she was in a fight with a friend, so she was feeling sad. And I loosened up on a couple things, too. She’s making so many right decisions, and sometimes my rules are more about control than anything. She’s almost seventeen, so I need to be flexible. It wasn’t perfect, but I felt like I, the real me, was consciously making choices throughout the interaction to lead me to a good outcome. And I think that’s what Schwartz means. I think most of our conflicts are with ourselves, or our Parts.
I could see how this meditation would work with drinking as a dilemma, too. I spent years letting these two parts (or versions of them) battle it out. I would let the part of me that didn’t want to drink make rules and promises and plans to not drink, and then the part of me that wanted to drink would rip up the rules and convince me I deserved to drink. I never had the chance to try this type of self-discovery when I was still drinking, but I have done enough inner-work that I can imagine what that drinking part would say if I asked, “What are you afraid will happen if I don’t drink?” I’m afraid you will feel; I’m afraid you will suffer; I’m afraid you will lose friends; I’m afraid you will lose yourself.
Basically, this could change everything.
When I finally decided to quit, it was my Self who spoke up in the middle of this ongoing conflict. I was so wrapped up in the back and forth between these two that I didn’t even realize how rarely (if ever) the real me spoke up. But as they were battling about whether to get more alcohol and how I would handle the next day’s drinking, that little voice (who I now view as my Inner “Self”) spoke up. It was enough to disarm the Bully or Firefighter or whichever part was leading my life fully at that point. I didn’t take the same steps Schwartz describes in his exercises, but it was a similar concept. It was enough leadership that the other parts were able to quiet down just for a minute that the thought of stopping could actually unfold in a way that gave me a teeny tiny bit of hope.
So it’s interesting for me to go through these meditations. I know some of you are struggling to notice any effect from the exercises. I get it. I’ve been meditating daily for over a year. I sometimes meditate several times a day. I have read about Inner Child and Attachment Styles, so the “parts” part of this makes sense to me. I also read Schwartz’ Introduction book. I read that a year ago, and I started NBP, but I couldn’t do it. The meditations didn’t stick, and I could tell that this concept intrigued me, but it just wasn’t the right time. I encourage you to keep participating, though, and share your experiences. It’s never “failure,” as I think it all helps us keep building our lives.
I think what is my favorite part of this concept is the compassion . For a long time, I have hated those parts of me – the drinking part, Bully, even Peacemaker. I felt shame that I had these loud and destructive voices. I have shed many tears wishing they would go away. But the IFS model allows me to truly learn self-love. I have a lot of self-confidence, but that doesn’t equal self-love. Listening to these parts and learning where they came from and how they think is allowing me to have more patience with myself.
If you are reading along, did you try this week’s exercises? Did you have any insights? If you are not reading, but made it this far, what dilemma do you have in your life that has parts of you battling? Can you separate those parts briefly to try to get to know each one better?
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