I struggled for years with the question, “Am I an alcoholic?”. During those years, I tried and tried again to control my drinking, but would find myself reaching for the “reward” of a glass or two of wine night after night. Those two glasses led to a bottle, a bottle and a half, or more, and I couldn’t stop the cycle. I’d wake up at 3 in the morning, full of anxiety, sweating off the alcohol, and once again bewildered that I hadn’t stopped drinking after that second glass.

I knew that I COULD stop drinking. When I was pregnant with my daughter and again, 5 years later while pregnant with my son I HAD stopped drinking. I would often stop drinking for a week of detox here and there, just to prove to myself that I could. But those week-long detoxes usually lasted no more than 5 days. I would decide that I had proven I could control my drinking and the hamster wheel started turning once again.

Night after night after the first glass or two of wine, when the alcohol hit my brain, it was like a monster woke up and that monster craved oblivion. I had poured the first glass simply wanting to feel a bit less and quickly found myself wanting to feel NOTHING. And the small part of me that WASN’T afraid and ashamed of my binge drinking, actually looked forward to my upcoming retirement when I could start drinking earlier in the day and feel NOTHING more often.

I finally hit a series of Last Rock Bottoms that were as deep as I was willing to sink. I didn’t total my car, show up late to work, or embarrass myself in public, but I simply could not stop getting drunk. After years of trying to get the drinking under control, and months of trying to get the blackout drinking under control, I accepted that I was at a crisis point. I had always seen sobriety as a punishment and couldn’t imagine life without drinking, but being blackout drunk is a dangerous place to be, and I was terrified to find myself there several times a week.

I’d been reading stories on Stephanie Wilder Taylor’s Booze Free Brigade for years thinking

I’d read Alan Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Drinking and started to think a bit differently about booze but still …still I couldn’t stop.

And then at my absolute lowest point, depressed, hopeless, feeling ashamed and overwhelmed,

I stumbled over the Documentary Paul Williams Still Alive.

I was inspired knowing that this man was not ashamed of being an alcoholic.

He wasn’t controlled by his addiction!

He was empowered by his recovery!

He was strong and free and generous and open and LIVING with vitality and purpose and joy. WITHOUT ALCOHOL.

Knowing Paul William’s story did not cure me but it got the ball rolling toward my last day one. I started reading and found Lucy Rocha, Ann Dowsett Johnston, Sacha Scoblic, Tammy Roth, Sarah Hepola, and Caroline Knapp. I found women who told my story with a happy ending. Women who were NOT ashamed of their drinking days but empowered by their sobriety.

And then I found sobriety blogs where I learned that while reading other people’s stories helped me to understand that I could stop drinking, writing my own story was the key to staying alcohol-free.

My last day one was March 6, 2015 . That was the day that I published my first blog post on a web platform called Hello Sunday Morning and a lovely woman from England who was already over a year alcohol-free, my age, and a mother and professional just like me as well, popped into my comment stream and said

When I joined HSM in early March of 2015 I had no idea how powerful the experience would be.

Blogging anonymously in a community of supportive people working toward a similar goal can be the ultimate journey to self-discovery.

If you are hoping to get your drinking habits under control or stop altogether I hope that my experience will help you see that it is not only possible but worth it.

Taking a break from alcohol is the best gift you can give yourself.

Although I was never one to spend much time on social media networks before I started blogging my way sober, my Hello Sunday Morning avatar, @wingedvictory, has become as much a part of my identity as my own name.

I saw this powerful beauty in Paris during my third alcohol-free week and “Winged Victory of Samothrace” became my sober identity.

I do not call myself an alcoholic.

I call myself free!

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Listen to more of my sober story, the story of the Boozemusings Blog and BOOM Rethink the Drink Community, on my Bubble Hour interview here and on the Sobertown Podcast here

More by this Author on Boozemusings

The Simplicity of How This Mom Finally Stopped Drinking

How Sober Life Became Jubilant for Me

Why Women Are Dying for a Drink and What We Can Do About It

9 years sober today!

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More Sober Stories from Our Community:

Sober Milestones – Reflecting on Living Life Free