I’m my early days of sobriety I was struggling. Single parenting sober, trying desperately to meet all the demands of two small children while going through some real Huge emotions, working at a country club and being surrounded by alcohol on a daily basis…I just needed to not be needed. I was feeling overwhelmingly vulnerable and fragile while trying desperately to keep it together as best as possible.
Days where all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry away the pain and frustration while my little ones begged for my attention and needed my care. I would work super late nights where I felt like I was completely losing my mind and then struggle during the day to get everything done while my kids were whining and crying and NEEDING. Couldn’t they see how hard handling everything and staying sober was for me? POOR ME!!!!
I just needed quiet. I just needed space. I just needed to not be needed for five seconds so I wouldn’t drown in it all… I mean seriously, I didn’t have the booze to numb me, how the hell was I going to deal with all of this single parenting sober? How was I going to get through this?
Today I am 80 days sober. Wow. 80 days. And I DID deal with everything and I DID get through it all. And reflecting on my sobriety thus far I have realized….
my children are my REASON for staying sober, they are NOT my EXCUSE to drink.
As I’m sipping my sparkling water, cooking up some dinner and my kids are asking me for things every two minutes and I feel like I haven’t slept in days and my house is a disaster and there are bills that need to be paid that I’m not quite sure how I’m going to pay and I think my cat has fleas andddddd…..whoa! I can feel the anxiety crawling up my skin.. the voice in my head saying a drink will help, just one drink to escape just a little bit….. but you know what? Absolutely NOT! Deep breathe and everything is just fine and everything is okay, because I am SOBER!
Sober I’m no longer trapped in self-pity. I’m no longer needing to escape reality or hide from my responsibilities. I’m no longer believing that voice in my telling me that alcohol is a solution to the stress of single parenting. I feel powerful, calm, and capable. I feel a strength I don’t think I’ve ever known. I am sober and I can do ANYTHING.
We all have things that we make into our excuses to drink but if you stick to sobriety, you will come to see that nothing is a worthy excuse to drink and EVERYTHING is a reason to stay sober.
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