Breaking Free: Sobriety and the Restaurant Industry
Have you ever talked to an individual who has made a career out of restaurant work? I’m sure they all say the same thing; once you’re IN the industry, there’s no way out. It drags you in and keeps you wrapped tightly within its grip. The lows are so low but the highs… those are highs worth chasing after. It feels to me like such a metaphor; illustrating the life of someone addicted to alcohol. The grip is just so tight. The ones IN it, feel as if it’s impossible to escape. It’s just the way the industry is.
My alcohol addiction wasn’t caused by my job in the restaurant industry. The industry was fuel to the fire of my addiction without doubt, but it was unresolved trauma, habits and coping mechanisms that I formed in childhood, that made me vulnerable to becoming addicted to numb.
Each of us who struggles with alcohol addiction has a unique story. This is where mine began.
As a child, when my mom would walk through the door of our apartment I would tense up. I would scan her face and watch her body so very carefully; searching for clues to how she was feeling. Her tone would pierce through my body and the smirk on her face would make me feel so unbelievably small and confused. Was she angry with me? Did I do something wrong? I wish I could just hug her and tell her I’m sorry. Sorry for what, I’m not sure.
A Walking Punching Bag
I grew up always guessing, always quieting myself so as not to upset her anymore.
I learned I could do this with everyone. Watch their face, their body language, hear their tone. I could pick up on all the of subtleties of human emotions if I observed close enough. Hyper awareness.
My hyper awareness would show me how people felt. If I knew how they were feeling, I would know how I needed to respond. How I needed to act. Who I needed to mold myself in to, in order to please them. I thought it provided me protection. It made people like me. Trust me.
This Hyper awareness and sensitivity, served me well in my work in restaurants.
Chaos and stress at the restaurant felt normal. I stayed calm and navigated through it like magic. Loud packed bar and food and drink everywhere. POS system crashes and WiFi problems and customer issues and a kitchen falling so far behind that you can literally feel the panic radiating off of every single employee on the line… every one wondering if this would be the moment that the stress would finally catch up to them in the form of a stroke or a heart attack…. no big deal. Just part of the job. I can handle anything. Sometimes it even felt…fun.
I’ve been in hospitality for so long because I love to take care of people. I want them to be able to relax, have a great time and even if only for an hour and a half, forget about their problems and just enjoy being alive, surrounded by good company.
My whole life people have joked that I am a natural born therapist, the person who listens so well and is always there, for everyone, all the time. People always felt safe and comfortable around me. I accepted it and even embraced it because I wanted to be others’ safety… the safety I never felt myself.
This was my super power and my kriptonite in the restaurant business.
I’m still that little girl desperately trying to protect everyone else around me. I’m still that girl crying and screaming inside but staying so so quiet in order to provide comfort and safety for everyone else around me. I’m still that girl, convinced, that if I keep doing so, some day, someone will see my worthiness and provide that same comfort and safety for me.
Imagine a 10 hour shift of restaurant work. It is not unusual for stress to boil over. Managers crying, arguing. Employees complaining. My reflex is to pick up the weight of the work others just wouldn’t do, while I naturally stepped into my therapist roll to deal with everyone’s problems and hardships. Listen. Empathize. Push Through.
Drink to relieve the stress.
A walking punching bag.
It was 2019 when my coworker started to notice my behavior changing. She asked what was going on with me and I lied as well as I could.
It was 2019 when she caught me stealing gin from the liquor room, to fill my thermos during my shift. She didn’t ask any questions, just pulled me aside and said… “Either you come to an AA meeting with me in the morning, or I report you to the general manager.”
I went home. Filled my thermos with the last of the bottle of gin I had in my cabinet. I cried. I let go.
I Asked for Help
The next morning, I pulled up to a church, a place I hadn’t been to in years, and she walked me in.
As I sat at the longest table with the big book in front of me, I admitted to myself and to the other 20 people in the room…. “I am an alcoholic”.
A moment that will forever be etched so deeply in my memory. Tears streamed down my face and I fully and completely surrendered.
I didn’t go to any other meetings and I didn’t follow the steps, but I did find BOOM and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.
It was now two years later. I was two years sober and I felt so free that I convinced myself I was “healed”. I started with a champagne toast on New Year’s Eve. I started with one glass of wine, one night a week. One night turned into every night. One glass turned into one bottle. I was losing myself again- happening so slowly I thought I could stay in control- happening so quickly that I knew I had no control at all.
Sober off and on…
In 2022 and I started a new job. I declared my sobriety once again.. sober off and on and off and on. Suddenly more days drinking than not and pouring the G&T earlier and earlier. This time I wasn’t a server sneaking into the liquor room…this time I was the manager and the bartender was happy to fill my thermos for me, right at the end of the bar.
An ebb and flow for the next two years. Nights of carefully and slowly drinking two drinks and going home, followed by nights I couldn’t remember how I got home. Sometimes feeling like I could control it all and most times, knowing for certain, I had no control at all.
I have so many stories. Sad stories.
One bartender comes into the office this morning and tells me she needs to quit drinking… she is so hungover and feels awful. I sympathize. Later on in the night, she seems drunk behind the bar. She is smiling but I can see the overwhelming sadness in her eyes.
No one in the industry is actually happy when they are drinking on shift….. they feel just as trapped as I did/do… it’s just the way the industry is.
Drinking Culture for bartenders can be especially challenging.
I hear a story about a bartender’s wife. They have two small children together but she has “episodes” as they call them. She goes out binge drinking and disappears for days on end.
He’s tired of her drinking… so he drinks to numb the exhaustion away. He takes a shot with all of us during the night and cracks all of the jokes.
He’s smiling but I see the pain in his eyes. It’s just the way the industry is.
The grip of alcohol is just so tight
A server’s brother died a year ago. Drunk and high. He overdosed. She swore off drinking forever… made it the whole year.
I see her asking for a scotch neat at the end of a busy night. She tells me she used to be “such a bad alcoholic” but it’s different now. She sips her scotch and makes a joke that maybe she will get wasted tonight like she used to.
She’s smiling but I can see the desperation in her eyes. It’s just the way the industry is.
The sous chef vents about his 4th DUI and the class he has to take in order to get his license back… videos of moms talking about their children that died because of drunk drivers.
“The stories are so sad but I don’t want to hear them”, he says.
He grabs a beer at the bar, tells me he can’t drink like he used to, but he wishes he could.
He’s smiling but I can see the grief in his eyes. It’s just the way the industry is.
I am NOT the industry
The people I worked with knew I was alcohol-free for a while. Getting sober in the restaurant industry is something I have experience with. Staying sober did not happen for me the first time. But it will!
I ask the bartender to fill my glass with gin & tonic and sip it as I walk back up to the host stand to greet the line of people eagerly waiting at the door. The guilt of remembering that thermos I had once filled up with gin every morning. I got sober for two whole years and threw it all away and here I am…still sipping on gin.
I tell myself I just need to get out of this restaurant and my desire for a buzz will disappear, but while I’m still here, I need to do what I need to do, in order to survive.
I come on BOOM and read all of my old posts and cry while remembering how beautiful my life was while sober and tell myself I can have it all again, if I just stop drinking…..
But…. the bartenders line up at the end of the bar with shot glasses in hand…. It’s just the way the industry is.
Surrender
One night, after close, after losing count of how many drinks I already had, I sat outside, crying. I’ve lost myself completely now. I told the bartender I needed to get sober again.. he shrugged and didn’t seem to understand… “You’re not that bad”, he said. I laughed. Oh, if only he knew how hard all of this has been for me. I made it home.. I don’t know how.
I woke up the next morning…..
I won’t drink anymore. I can’t drink anymore. I let go.
Since that day, I haven’t had any alcohol. I have had to fire two employees for intoxication while working. I’ve had to watch as many employees are losing themselves to the poison. It’s hard not drinking in the restaurant industry, but it’s also plentiful in examples of why I need to stay sober.
I’m going to keep going to the meetings and I’m going to keep writing and I’m going to keep remembering why all of this matters so much and I’m going to keep remembering why this has all been so hard for me and I am going to keep remembering why I must do, whatever it takes, to stay sober.
When the bartenders line up, it’s easy to join them. It’s easy to say, it’s just the way the industry is. It’s easy to believe that all these people are just doing what they have to do in order to survive… but, I’ve quit drinking before!!!!
Sobriety allowed me to provide myself safety.
Sobriety allowed me to provide myself comfort.
Sobriety allowed me to see the power and necessity of setting boundaries and upholding them for myself and for others.
Sobriety allowed me to protect myself from becoming a walking a punching bag because it showed me I have always, and will always be, worthy and I don’t need any one else to decide my worthiness for me.
Sobriety allowed me to become everything for myself that I had spent my whole life searching for in everyone else.
I have a plan to get out of this toxic environment. I’m so close to being out. It’s been a long time coming. I will not allow alcohol to keep me in this place and in this toxic cycle.
I am not a walking punching bag.
Getting sober and staying sober in the restaurant industry is something that CAN be done.
Today I am almost 2 years sober again and still working in the restaurant industry. Getting sober this time felt different for me. I was ready to be miserable and fighting myself again, but I’m not.
The urge to drink is barely there – just a passing thought. I think it’s because I just keep thinking about what long term sobriety offered me before.
Since writing this over 600 days ago, I’ve made a ton of changes at my restaurant with the help of the owners. No employees are allowed to drink here, we’ve gotten new staff in that want to clean up quick at the end of the night and get home.. and I’ve been working mostly mornings so home for dinner and early bed with the kids. The whole culture has shifted here and I’m SO thankful.
Now that I’m not drinking my soul is craving peace. Quiet. Stillness. A long pause and a long breath.
Peace doesn’t come from knowing all of the solutions to every problem.. it comes from surrendering to what is right now, and just taking the next best step. Stepping with faith, that it will all work out in the end, somehow. Purpose and meaning don’t need to be tied to struggle and pain. I really am worthy of peace and I don’t need to kill myself to prove it.
A few months ago, an employee showed up drunk. An employee who has struggled for years with alcohol. I was told by ownership to let him go. As I sat in the office, final check in hand, my stomach in my throat, I looked in his eyes and all my own years of struggle washed over me.
“This can be your final check to serve as your termination or…. you can ask for help”.
“If you are ready, willing and able, to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober, I will be here every step of the way”. “I will consider this a leave of absence and if you prove to me that you have completed a rehabilitation program, I will hold your job, for you to come back to”.
He asked for help.
It was 2025 when he sat in the passenger seat of my car, as we pulled up to a church, a place I hadn’t been to in so long.
He smoked his cigarette and then I walked him in.
“I am an alcoholic”.
The meeting closed with a woman holding a box of chips. She called out a year, 11 months, 10 months, 9 months, 8 months,
I stood up and walked over. 18 months, “Congratulations my dear!” Her arms outstretched for a hug. A moment of pride & relief & understanding & joy… a moment that I will hold onto forever.
As I drove home, I realized… I think I needed this meeting just as much as he did.
Join me! www.BoomRethinktheDrink.com
Doing What I Have to do to Survive
I often hear that the universe likes to provide contrast. Experiences, people and situations that bump up against your true desires in order to illuminate, so very clearly, the things you don’t want, in order to make the things you do want, even more clear. Perhaps every time those shot glasses are filled, I am simply being reminded that I am NOT this industry. Perhaps every time I hear someone’s story, I am being reminded that we are NOT this addiction. While we may find ourselves IN it right now, this reminder serves to point us in a new direction.
I chose to remember that every obstacle, every mistake, every slip or slide, provides me contrast and asks me to stay focused on what I really want. What I really need. All of these experiences, are pushing me to act with more urgency. All of these people sharing their stories with me, are showing me, so clearly, what I already know to be true about this industry and about alcohol… the truth I seem to keep forgetting.
When the bartenders line up at the end of the bar, shot glasses in hand, I will remember to focus; focus on getting out of this addiction.
Those shot glasses are not my invitation to join. They are not my excuse to join. Those glasses are my reminder that it is time, to show them, and myself, that it IS possible to escape…and I will.
No matter where you are today is a new day. Remember, to focus on where you want to be headed; not, where you have been and not, where so many are still trapped.
Will you join me in remembering to focus?
There have been several excellent books written on the subject of childhood trauma and addiction. Gabor Maté’s book In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts and Richard C. Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts are both important reads if you think that your addictive behavior stems from childhood trauma.
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