Two years of sobriety allowed me to become everything for myself that I had spent my whole life searching for in everyone else. And yet I slipped and slid away from that precious sobriety.

The first time I got very serious and declared my sobriety, I dove head first into quit lit. I scoured the internet for voices – any advice, guidance and personal experience I could get my eyes and ears on.

A common theme I began to find, was how many stories involved relapse. It was so “normal”, almost expected, almost assumed, that relapse would be part of most people’s sobriety journey at some point.So many wise voices told me that “relapse was part of recovery”.

Imagine the confusion; newly sober, struggling moment by moment to not give in to every soul crushing craving, desperately trying to convince myself I was strong enough to not slip, while also trying to accept that a slip was not only very possible, but somewhat normal and I should almost, just, expect it..?

The thoughts of relapse ran through my mind, while waves of cravings crashed and pulled away. Almost as if, whispering a promise to me, that if I couldn’t hold on any longer, and gave in, I would somehow be ok anyways. Relapse is a part of recovery.

Too tempting. Too seductive. I had to silence it all!! I will not drink. Non negotiable. No sip, no slip. I refused to believe a slip would do anything but throw me back into the depths of the darkest places my addiction could take me. A relapse could end my life, and that was not an exaggeration. I completely surrendered to the fact that I was fully addicted and the only way out, was through.

I made it a little over 2 years, and then the thoughts crept in…. Or rather, I allowed them in.

I could have just one. No one would blame me. They would just expect and accept it… I have a drinking problem, but maybe I’m healed now…but even if it doesn’t end well, I can just quit again…

I had gotten “so far away” from my past, away from the heartbreak and trauma of when I was drinking and worse, away from the struggle of quitting. Amnesia. The thoughts I allowed in, about drinking once again, was my addiction rearing its head. That one drink cascaded into a full blown relapse, a slip that stole years away from me.

Well meaning advice; Relapse is common, just decide to quit again no matter how many times you slip. And so, I did just that. Quit for a few days, drank for a couple weeks, quit again, drank again.  A cycle I felt powerless to stop. I kept saying I would stop, but I had unwillingly and unconsciously welcomed relapse in, as part of my journey.

Suddenly it hit me. THIS was not recovery. I was not recovering from anything – I was hopelessly addicted once again. I was hopelessly addicted the moment I chose to have that one drink. I was hopelessly addicted the moment I gave myself “permission” to slip. No matter how conniving or convincing our cravings feel, it ultimately is still a choice we make. The only way to stop the relapse was to stop the thoughts and beliefs, that preceded the drinking. The thoughts of drinking were just as much a symptom of my addiction, as the glass of wine that I had sipped.

I cried that night outside, after I don’t know how many glasses of wine. I can’t do this anymore, I thought. I surrendered.

I woke up the next day and made it non negotiable. I will not drink. No sip, no slip. Black and white – no space for alcohol in my mind or my body.

The shame and guilt and regret I felt while declaring my day one again, knocked me to my knees, but I held space for it all. I couldn’t think, talk or drink my way out of those feelings… they had to be there and so, I surrendered to them. I welcomed them. I got to know them. No judgement about the feelings, just allowed myself to feel them all.

I could feel guilt and still stay sober.

I could feel shame and still stay sober.

I could be filled to the brim with regret and still stay sober.

That 2 years of sobriety prior, of growing and learning and challenging myself, of setting and holding boundaries, of finding so much joy and contentment, of discovering who I really was, of never allowing alcohol even the slightest of chances to sneak back in because I truly cherished the life I had created for myself in sobriety, that…..that was recovery.

Sometimes the shame and guilt and regret can keep people stuck, keep them slipping and keep them addicted. These feelings and experiences can weigh so unbelievably heavy. But I found for me, I HAD to learn how to hold those intense feelings and emotions and still chose not to drink.  I would not be here today at almost two years sober again, if I didn’t find the strength to face all of these, to carry them, and to extend myself insane amounts of grace and self compassion, without reaching for a bottle.

The weight of all these feelings has lessened somewhat over time, but mostly, I’ve just gotten a hell of a lot stronger and less afraid to face them.

Relapse is an unfortunate symptom of addiction. To prevent relapse, we must fully surrender, and do every single thing in our power to not let alcohol into our minds or our bodies. True recovery requires our sobriety to be completely non negotiable.

We must call out and become so deeply aware of our triggers. Become so completely aware of the addicted thoughts as soon as they begin to form and shut them down immediately. We must choose recovery each and every single moment, each and every single day.

For any one who has slipped, and is struggling to find their way back, or struggling to stay on the path of sobriety, I extend my hand to you. This hand outstretched, is here to reassure you that you are indeed capable of surrendering- capable of making your sobriety non negotiable. My hand, outstretched in your direction, is here for you to hold whenever you are ready to step away from your addiction and step fully into recovery. My hand will remain steadily outstretched, just like those, whose hands remained outstretched for me, when I needed a hand the most. Let’s stay AF together

Peace doesn’t come from knowing all of the solutions to every problem.. it comes from surrendering to what is right now, and just taking the next best step.

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