About 3 years ago, I sat on a beach and envisioned my sober self, walking up to my, at the time current self, and giving her a hug. I imagined what my sober self would look like and would be wearing. I imagined what my sober self would feel like. I imaged what my sober self would say. I imagined how the hug would feel. I imagined my sober self walking away.
What I could not do at the time was apply the action I needed to make the imagining my reality. I hadn’t found my keys yet to stop drinking.
There were years and years that Sundays meant water, aspirin, slow rolls, greasy breakfast and couch time. What a waste…. I don’t miss that feeling. The days started to compound. Yes. The few hours in my 20’s and 30’s turned to 2 to 3 days to dig out of the hole in my 40’s and early 50’s. It was Labor Day weekend last year when I drank to exhaustion. Meaning, I went hard. It was all the things. A heavy hitting weekend. I used to clean up all the bottles and evidence before everyone else in the house got up. New day, new start. No one counts the bottles but me. Like it never happened. Wipe down the counters and move on. Denial!
I was, at the end of it, bloated, achy, tired, cranky, heavy, yuckiness. From afar, you would have thought it was just me having fun. But deep down, I was ready to be done with drinking. I was flat out miserable. I knew all the scary parts of telling the world who I’d become were in front of me. I didn’t want to hide anymore.
This labor day weekend I celebrated the beginning of the final weeks of my first full year sober. I planned time with dear friends who also don’t drink, or drink very little. They are in total support of my decisions. I love them and they love me.
When I think back on this year of sobriety, I had no idea what I would encounter. Perfection was never my goal. Progress not perfection. Maybe 1% better each day. My alcohol abstaining intentions were to wake up without cursing the night before, to smooth out some anxiety, to spend less money, to gain control of my hormones and to get better rest.
It’s hard to describe what 1% better everyday looks or feels like. It’s such a small amount. How could that make any difference in the long run? There were so many days, it would have been so easy to say “what’s the point?” But sticking with it, I now can look back and see the small amount each day, has really added up. I have, with every part of my soul, just looked at today.
The best thing I have learned from living sober is to breathe. There are so many hard moments in life. But if you sit in them, breathe through them, know that the feelings don’t last forever, you can over come the toughest of times. I’m breathing a bit more free today.
Today I am one full year sober. Today, like most days on this journey, I’m starting it with a cup of coffee, ugly PJ’s, hair a mess, phone in hand and sitting on the couch. I am hangover free.
Today, like most days I will take a shower and head into the work day. Today, like most days, will be hard and long- there will be laughs and frustrations. Today, like most days I will fight an urge to ______ (insert word like:: relax, soothe, chill out, unwind, take the edge off, retreat, celebrate) with a glass of wine or a cocktail. I know better.
Today, like most days, I will eat early with colleagues and enjoy a rehearsed NA refreshment. Tonight, like most nights, I will exit early after the company dinner. I know there is nothing interesting at the hotel bar. I have been down this lonesome road.
Tonight, like most nights, I will take off my makeup, make myself a cup of tea and brush my teeth. Tonight like most nights, I’ll put on my ugly pJ’s and crawl into a clean king bed. Tonight, like most nights, I will relish the sleep ahead. Tonight, like most nights, I know I have dodged another bullet. I have a bag full of tools.
5 things that helped me find success in Year One Sober
BOOM!
It goes without saying that my number one tool in my toolbox has been BOOM!
This platform just suits me. I’m not religious. I don’t really love AA. Online I can come and go as I please. I love to write. I love that Boom is about donations over profits! The tools and resources are all here when needed. The people here are genuinely sweet. What is not to love? I can’t think of a better scenario for me and how I process and learn.
Its been incredible to have a bunch of bloggers and posters cheering me on. Your support and words of encouragement are amazing. I want to thank everyone
There were many days that making myself accountable was the ONLY thing I held on to. Without this space, I don’t know how I would have made it through. I’m am so lucky to have found BOOM in April of 2020.
2020? But my last day one was September 11 2023. What made the difference after 3 years in BOOM?
COUNTING AND POSTING
Counting and posting daily changed the game for me. Why? Accountability.
I joined Boom in April of 2020 and man-o-man I fought the idea of counting for a very long time. It was, however, through counting, this time, I started to understand the deeper meaning of “one day at a time”. The adding up, the accumulation of days. The desire to not reset the clock. Instead of fighting it, I decided to embrace it and celebrate each day. Psychologically, I made counting my friend. Around day 90, those days really started to matter to me. I was not going to break my streak, and it’s what propelled me through some seriously tempting situations. I had fought so hard for each day. Each day really meant something to me. Through counting I started to build confidence -one day at a time.
Posting daily, goes hand in hand with counting. For me, the discipline of posting -even if was about walking farts (ha, see yesterday’s post) helped me a great deal. Somedays it felt more like a chore. But most days, it helped me set the tone. I could feel my brain waves changing as I dove into the discipline of writing something out each day. On day 150, i had decided I was done posting. But it was on day 152, I started to have some breakthrough “work” moments. So, I kept going. I’m glad I have. It’s an accomplishment I am very proud of. (I think I have only missed 3 days this year)
I highly suggest counting the days and posting often. Use a counter and celebrate the adding up of days. Keep reading, keep posting – even if there is nothing really to say. Post anyways. Read the other posts and comment.
The best part about BOOM is a space where I can write it out. Writing it out, helps. Counting helps. Seeing the days accumulate help.
For those who are new here—just write. Write and write some more. It’s the release and flow that is helpful to letting it all go.
Call it my Sagitarian nature. Call it my inner child. Call it my upbringing. Whatever you choose, — when I stopped learning, I stopped living. In my sobriety, I’m coming back to the things I once knew as a child. Exploring, fascination, intrigue, questioning, education.
Preperation
It’s hard to pick the single most important piece of my success but I DAMN sure know preparation has been paramount.
One of our Boom community members has this Latin phrase tattooed on her arm.
‘Amat Victoria Curam’ —victory loves preparation
In her Boom posting about going to work events and social gatherings, I gained a lot of insights on how to handle these situations. Be prepared! Have a plan. Think it though. Divide your time. Her post might be the most important Boom post for me. I still use it and think about this post a lot.
Through the use of HALT, I recognized the warning signs. These were so many days I felt the heavy burden of being hungry, angry, lonely or tired. But I was prepared!
Often I practiced my drink order before heading off to dinner. Or I’d look at the restaurant menu before leaving the house. All with the purpose of being prepared. I avoided booking hotels with a lobby bar. I steered clear of certain restaurants with amber, back lit bottles. I tried hard to remove the old familiar pitfalls.
I stocked my old “beer fridge” full of the following: tonic, cranberry juice, kombucha, energy drinks, pomegranate juice, fizzy drinks in every flavor, and NA beers in every variety. I also have a huge assortment of tea and coffees. When traveling, I take a small cooler with me where ever I go.
I have chocolate and loads of chewing gum ready at all times. I don’t shy away from ice cream if I need it.
I left little to chance and was sick of excuses. I am prepared for most occasions. It has been through careful preparation, I have set myself up for success.
One of the hardest lessons I’m learning is to stop asking or expecting others to show up for me. Only I can do show up for me. It’s all about being my own best advocate.
EATING!!
I really had no idea how much changing my eating patterns would eventually affect my alcohol cravings. All of this was counter intuitive – in my mind.
Ok, so a year ago I was 45 pounds over weight. I wanted to quit drinking and was hoping the pounds would just fall off. Like, the day I stopped drinking, I would just see the scales start to move. —-spoiler alert —That didn’t happen.
I was bloated and swollen from the alcohol. My body ached and I could no longer work off the hangovers in the gym. So, I pulled the trigger on sobriety because I was at a fork in the road. Keep doing what I was doing or make a healthier choice. I was really tired of feeling heavy and the Groundhog Day routine was exhausting.
In the first few weeks of sobriety, the 5 o’clock Pavlov’s dog reaction to wine was real. Clock struck 5 and that was the beginning of my cravings. Ding! Wine time. Uggg.
On the suggestion of someone on Boom, I decided to start eating earlier. My husband always cooked dinner and it was usually served around 6:30-7pm. But what I found is that if I ate something around 3:30 or 4, my cravings were much, much less intense. Ok! This changes the game for me. What if I eat a fairly substantial meal around 4 and then just nibble on dinner? It worked!!!! I was making it through the witching hour with flying colors.
Food. The thing I was avoiding, ended up being to tool to get me through. And! With alcohol gone from my diet, the weight eventually came off. It took time, but I no longer think of food as an enemy. Rather, it played a GREAT part in my success.
Over the course of 3 years, from time to time, I’ve worn a CGM. (Continuous Glucose Monitor) I have learned a lot about how alcohol affects my glucose levels. I swore I was healthy and fit. Once, however, I really decided to look at all the factors, my diet and glucose were a mess. I couldn’t unsee how alcohol was affecting my glucose. Nourishing my body has been a big priority this past year. It’s been part of the healing process.
I highly suggest taking a look at how and most importantly WHEN you eat. Before you walk into a tempting situation – EAT! Pack a snack bar and EAT! Get some protein and EAT!
I have a hole in my heart and soul that seeks acceptance from others. It’s open wide and raw right now. I have in the past, filled this great divide with alcohol. Now the super hard work starts. How do I fill this hole now that alcohol has been removed?
Painting
Painting! Never, ever in a million years would I be a painter. Let alone, fall head over heels in-love with it.
I dream about it all the time.
You see, in my mind, I never had a chance. My best friend growing up was and still is, a very accomplished artist. It’s the only real job she has ever known. She’s pretty famous in certain circles. My sister is also a very a talented artist and still works in the world of design and merchandising. Her daughter, my niece, is also wildly gifted.
I’ve never taken an art class. I could barely draw a stick man growing up. In my mind, THEY were the artists – not me.
But then—I needed something to do at nights other than drinking. I had some old oil paints, a few dusty brushes and an easel in a closet —all left over from a failed attempted at oil painting years and years ago. One weekend, I found an artist swap-meet and took all my old oils and traded them in for acrylics.
In the early days of this year of sobriety, I was having one hell of a time with sleep. Most days, I woke up at 3:30 or 4am. Instead of starring at the ceiling, I’d get up, make coffee, post and then head to my easel. I could literally feel my brain getting better. At night, I’d go back to my make shift studio and paint some more. It soothed my brain. My mind was working in a space I had not been for years…maybe since childhood.
I started to paint in every free moment. And yes, I started to replace the wine cravings with a craving to get back to my paints. I didn’t give a rats ass what anyone thought of my art. It made me extremely happy and gave me something to do other than sitting around in the self-torture of thoughts.
My painting has evolved. I’m starting to develop my own “technique”. It has also been a confidence booster but not through other’s acceptance or adoration—but through knowing I can create my own happiness. Just for me.
I thought long and hard about what I wanted to gift myself for making it a year (gifts being another huge piece of the sobriety puzzle) I decided on a workshop in New Orleans this coming weekend. Yeah, I could have gotten a tat, or some jewelry. But really thinking about it, the only thing that made total sense to me was more art.
I think finding a positive escape with plenty of brain rewards is very high on my list of sober victories. I highly encourage breaking out that those knitting needles, or the jewelry kit, or the oil paints in the closet. Art is brain food. Art is healing.
I call this one “Fern”. My nickname as inside joke amongst family. The flowers represent the states in which I’ve lived. Sunflowers for Kansas, Poppies for California, Violets for Illinois, Blue Bonnets for Texas. All the states, all the travels, all the journeys – they are all imprinted in me.
The bottle, is important. It represents what I’m currently letting go.
I’m finding my way through the thick of some deep emotional baggage. It’s hard. I cry a little almost every day. But! I can feel there are brighter days ahead. Not drinking has taught me how the rough spots are just temporary. Better days ahead.
If nothing changes,
Nothing changes!
Almost everyone around me has accepted that I’m not drinking. Yet! I still get a few, “so, don’t you think you’ll probably have a ‘glass of wine’ with dinner? eventually?” My reply is always, “No, I’m done”.
This is not easy. Just today. Just this one day. And each day I said “not today, today I will not drink”. I am not focused on the future but I feel certain this strategy will lead to many more sober days ahead.
On this journey, I wake up and try to reflect on the past day and what the present moment has to offer. It’s a strange practice to sit in the moment and then write it out. Being present. Understanding and appreciating. Sitting in it. Finding the positive and accepting and embracing the now.
While everything is not always rainbows and butterflies, I have no desire to go back. I’ve buried all that was my addictive, overly busy, good times gal, persona. I’ve to put her to rest. I’m going through an awakening I never thought possible.
It’s about becoming who and what I want to be. To the core, I know who and what I want. I want to be happy, healthy and sober – not just in the drinking sense. I want to live a life free of all addiction. Free of lies. Free of doubt. Free of fear. Free to be me
More Perspectives on what it means to be One Year Year Sober from our Community
On Becoming More Human – One Year Sober
One Year Alcohol Free – Why I Don’t Struggle to Never Drink Again
Learning to Let Life Happen – Celebrating One Year Sober
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