IFS – “Belated” Week 6: Mapping
It’s been a couple weeks since I posted on “No Bad Parts,” a book about Internal Family Systems. I am going to play catch-up here with an update and Chapter 5 summary with another couple posts in the next week or so on Chapters 6 & 7. When you last heard from me, I was riding high. I had been on a little sabbatical: five days alone in the high Sonoran desert in Arizona. There is something really special for me about that landscape. And five days alone with no kids, no spouse, no work allowed me to dig really deeply into some of this IFS stuff, and I felt really excited to move forward.
Then, I came back home to Iowa and life smacked me in the face. It felt a little scary as maybe what Schwartz said about not going too deeply without a therapist might be true. I felt like I had been working with all these “parts” and even some exiles, and as life got super hectic and busy again, they were all just right there on the surface. And as I didn’t make time to meditate or do the exercises, everything just became chaotic.
I could feel and hear all of my parts taking over and arguing with my husband, alienating my daughter, complaining about work, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew what was happening, but I was unconscious. I felt frustrated and abandoned my IFS reading
And then I realized something, and it was thanks to a comment from Constant L It was about offering lovingkindess to my parts. I instantly realized that I was doing it all wrong. I was hating my parts instead of loving them.
From Chapter 5: “Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us.” I was ashamed of my exiles. I was angry at my managers. I was disgusted by my firefighters. And thus the cycle repeats.
So, back to square one. Love.
A quick recap of Chapter 5: Mapping Our Inner Systems –
Here is our first formal exposure to the terms for how to categorize our parts. If you have watched any preliminary videos or have any prior exposure to IFS, these are familiar. But, if you are new to Schwartz’ work, here are the labels for our map:
EXILES: these are our wounded inner children who are frozen in the past. “We try our best to lock these parts away, thinking we are simply moving on from bad memories, sensations, and emotions – not realizing that we are disconnecting from our most precious resources just because they got hurt.” I have identified some of my own exiles with whom I have blended and created my own paradigm of “I am worthless” and “No one loves me.”
MANAGERS: these parts are in charge of trying to “preempt the triggering of our exiles by controlling, pleasing, or disconnecting us.” I have a small army of vigilant managers. My critic, my drill sergeant, my saboteur to match their names to their roles.
FIREFIGHTERS: these parts are protectors, but they operate differently from managers. When something gets through our managers and triggers us, these firefighters will “desperately (and often impulsively) try to douse the flames of emotion, get us higher than the flames with some substance, or find a way to distract us until the fire burns itself out.” These are my rage part, my addict part, and my fixation part.
This chapter is especially helpful if you feel like you have been finding parts, but don’t really understand how they fit in. I did several online searches about “IFS parts” to help me see how my different parts fit into the categories. I can see how the roles all work together and it helps me feel a little less overwhelmed by all of it. And when I see these parts through the lens of their “role” it helps me get back to that basic concept…love.
I’m looking forward to Part Two – Self-Leadership. Stay tuned!
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